


Last night's dreams are tomorrow's disappointments

by no_tengo_porque



Series: Days Fall Apart [1]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Dreams and Nightmares, Eremika - Freeform, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Mild Gore, Non-Graphic Violence, Possible Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-10
Updated: 2015-06-16
Packaged: 2018-03-29 22:26:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 44,910
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3912949
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/no_tengo_porque/pseuds/no_tengo_porque
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Eren Jaeger is having a tough week. And it's mostly due to the mixed signals his childhood friend, Mikasa Ackerman, is sending him. He used to think they could speak the same language, but know he isn't so sure anymore.<br/>The nightmares that keep plaguing his dreams aren't exactly helping either...</p><p>Or: In which everyone knows Eren is in love with Mikasa, except Eren himself.</p><p>"The thing is, Eren knows he's like a spark. He knows that he jumps and twirls and burns violently at the smallest of altercations.<br/>But right now, enveloped by the dark sky and the quietness, walking side by side with Mikasa. Right now, both of them in their football uniforms, with their knees scratched and the smell of grass and spring venturing between the cracks of winter.<br/>Right now he feels like a goddamn pyre, burning high and steady.<br/>He feels like this is a moment. And that he will remember this, as simple as it is."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. To burn the sky with the smallest of sparks (Monday)

**Author's Note:**

> For Asuka and Asuka only

"Black clouds are behind me, I now can see ahead  
Often I wonder why I try hoping for an end  
Sorrow weighs my shoulders down  
And trouble haunts my mind  
But I know the present will not last  
And tomorrow will be kinder"  
-Tomorrow will be kinder by Secret Sisters

 

The morning starts as hectic as it usually does.  
Sasha is chanting the word 'FREEDOM' repeatedly at the top of her lungs while fist-pumping the air. Connie follows behind, visibly more concerned than her, but still echoing the same chant.  
Eren just stares as their History teacher, Mr. Bossard, attempts to persecute them.  
Avid smoker and known hater of anything-that-involves-physical-activity that he is, chances are he won't reach them.  
Coach Levi, on the other hand, will.  
The disastrous duo is unable to see the Coach's extended right leg, aiming for their ankles.  
Eren sees it all in slow motion. Sasha and Connie tripping on Coach Levi's leg. Sasha turning mid-air to look at Connie. Both looking at each other with a sense of desperation. Sasha's backpack soaring above them, potatoes pouring from it.  
And one millisecond later, both on the floor and potatoes everywhere.  
"What the fuck..."  
"You can't curse in front of us, Coach Levi. That's just plain rude," Sasha complains from below.  
"Shut up. What is it with you two and potatoes?"  
"It's a metaphor."  
"For what?"  
"We're not sure yet," Connie intercedes.  
Bossard is finally able to reach them by then.  
"They stole my potatoes..."  
Eren is, at that point, truly intrigued about the potatoes. But he feels the familiar pressure of someone's hand on his shoulder. He turns to see Mikasa, who is also staring intently at the scene.  
"We should go. We're late for Math," she says. Her voice is quiet, but crisp and clear. Eren thinks she has one of those voices that are distinguishable over the roar of thousands of screams. She doesn't need to speak louder in order to be heard.  
He has always liked that about her.  
"I'm curious about the potatoes, though," Eren says, eyes trained on Sasha who is seemingly having a potato fight with Bossard while Connie hides behind a locker. Levi seems to be admiring her throws.  
"I'll tell you later," Eren feels Mikasa whisper in his ear. He suppresses a shiver.  
"Fair enough."  
They walk together to their class. Eren tells Mikasa about how Jean got so drunk at a party that he threw up inside Marco's car trunk when they were driving back home and how the creepy Russian exchange girl spent the whole night staring at Armin.  
Mikasa listens and smiles faintly but honestly at Eren's joke.  
"So, anyway," Eren says as he opens the classroom door for Mikasa, "I have the theory that Annie is either in love with Armin or she wants to murder him."  
"Perhaps both," Mikasa answers.  
If Eren didn't know her any better, he'd think she's being serious.  
"That's dark, Mikasa," he tells her, smiling. When he turns to look at her, she's smiling too.  
*  
*  
*  
Classes pass much too slowly for Eren's taste. He just wants to finish the school day and get to football practice. The idea of playing is so alluring at that moment that he stands up and starts running circles around the Tree.  
"Eren, why art thou so intense?" Armin asks dramatically, clutching "Hamlet" in one hand while pointing at him.  
"Intense how?" he asks while he continues to run around.  
"Maybe you should eat," Mikasa says while she takes another bite off her sandwich.  
She's the only one of the three of them who's actually using lunch time to have lunch. Armin is intently reading the Shakespeare play that class 'B' is supposed to read for the test, even when he's from class 'A'.  
Eren is still running around their Tree spot, where they always sit down for lunch.  
Eren knows that he should eat something, or else he'll be hungry by fourth period. However, he tells Mikasa, if he eats now, he won't be able to keep running because he'll have to wait for digestion to take place.  
Mikasa does not bother to point out the flaws in Eren's way of thinking. She just tells him to sit down and eat.  
Armin just says that he'll have a cereal bar in English class but changes his mind when Mikasa gives him The Ackerman Glare.  
Eren, almost immune to the glare, simply continues to run around.  
"For fuck's sake, will you ever calm down Jaeger?"  
There are only three people who call Eren by his last name. The Coach. Weird Russian chick.  
And Kirschstein.  
"What's up, Vomit-stein?" Eren turns just in time to see Jean frown at the nickname, then grin again.  
"Can't come up with anything better?"  
"He's not the smart one, you see," Armin says while he takes a mouthful of Mikasa's salad. Jean laughs and Eren glares at Armin.  
"Traitor," he mentally conveys to his friend.  
Armin shrugs. Eren's glare isn't as terrifying as Mikasa's, unfortunately.  
"Anyway, I was wondering about the Potato Incident, as some have come to call it, from this morning. I heard you had some info, Mikasa," Jean says. He kneels next to Mikasa as he says so. He's trying to look and act cool but he's blushing like crazy.  
Eren thinks he looks pathetic.  
"You're invading the Tree," Eren tells Jean, "outsiders are not welcomed."  
"The tree?" Jean asks with one quirked eyebrow.  
"The Tree. We named it like that. It's where we always have lunch," Mikasa clarifies.  
Jean nods feigning interest and leans nearer to Mikasa as he does so.  
Bastard.  
"We're busy, Kirschstein. Why don't you just go?" Eren tells him.  
Jean is about to complain when Mikasa leans towards Jean and whispers 'I'll tell you later' in his ear.  
Jean smiles and blushes even harder.  
Eren feels something cold and awful in his gut.  
"Alright, tell Sasha that next time she makes a prank to tell me. I want to see what she comes up with," Jean says, and leaves without saying goodbye to Eren or Armin.  
Asshole.  
"What's up with that?" Eren says.  
"What's up with what? Why are you mad?" Mikasa asks, eyeing him strangely.  
"I'm not mad. Just, since when are you so close to Sasha?" Eren asks her.  
"Is that really what you want to ask?" Armin mumbles but hides behind his book when both Eren and Mikasa glare at him.  
"I don't have to hang out only with you two. I can have some girl friends as well, Eren."  
"Jean is not a girl. Mostly,"  
"Was that meant as an insult to Jean or as an insult to girls?"  
"I mean... It doesn't matter. I don't really care. If you want to befriend horse-face, that's your choice."  
"Yes. It is."  
"Woah, maybe you should both calm down a little. Well, Eren should calm down a lot actually" Armin intercedes.  
"What's that supposed to mean?" Eren asks, and yes, maybe he isn't exactly calmed but it's not like he's less calm that he usually is.  
"Whatever," Mikasa whispers and stands up to leave.  
Eren wants to stop her but Armin's hand grabbing his arm warns him not to.  
Mikasa leaves without another word.  
Eren spends the rest of lunch half-listening to Armin speaking about symbolism in "Romeo and Juliet" while tearing grass blades from the ground furiously.  
He wishes for school day to end even more ardently.  
*  
*  
*  
"All right. Listen up, brats. Today we're going to focus on something called " teamwork". Maybe you've heard about it. Now, if you ask for my honest opinion, I think teamwork is nothing more than something school's invented to keep children occupied while teachers have a smoke break. But, kind of mandatory when, for example, you're playing freaking football," Coach Levi informs them as he starts the training session.  
"Of course," he continues, "the school doesn't want me to say that. So I need you all to think of teamwork as something totally great and not stupid at all. Can you do that?"  
A resonant "yes" is echoed by the 12 teenagers in front of him.  
"Fan-freaking-tastic," Coach Levi proclaims unenthusiastically, "Any questions before we start? Oh, God, what do you need Brauss?"  
"Sir," Sasha says while still waving her hand up in the air, "could it be that you've started cursing less than usual?"  
"No."  
"Sir, could it be that you've started cursing less than usual because Principal Erwin is helping you coach the team today?"  
As if on cue, Mr. Smith smiles and places a hand on Levi's shoulder.  
"Maybe. More questions?"  
Eren has like, at least, a hundred and thirty questions to ask. Like why is Mr. Smith helping Levi to coach them? Or why isn't Coach more pissed about it? Or why has Mikasa been avoiding him since lunch break? Or why does Jean look so horse-like?  
But he figures that Coach Levi wouldn't appreciate any of these questions, so he stays quiet.  
"Great," Levi says, "now, let's divide the teams."  
Eren looks at Mikasa, but she avoids his eyes, staring intently at a bench.  
Regardless, Eren is about to walk towards her when he realizes that the Coach is spitting out names and dividing them in two himself.  
"Ackerman, Sprauss, Bodt, Reiss, Braun and Leonheart you're Team Red. Kirschstein, Jaeger, Springer, Hoover, Artlet and Ymir you're Team Blue"  
A murmur of disagreement builds up as soon as Coach Levi finishes building up the teams.  
Eren is glad that he's with Armin. But Ymir and Bertoldt in the same team? He and Jean? Connie and Sasha playing against each other?  
And Mikasa? He has always played alongside Mikasa.  
"Coach, isn't this a weird way to divide us? I mean, I always play with Marco on the field. And Mikasa is usually with Jaeger," Jean says, attempting to sound as respectful as humanly possible.  
Eren is actually surprised that Jean is trying to help him here.  
"That's the point, Jean," Erwin intercedes, "I thought it would be good for all the team players to be able to play with each other. So we put together those who... Don't usually get along."  
Understatement of the year. Mikasa hates Annie, the Russian exchange student, ever since she got in a fistfight with Eren at a party. And won.  
Eren can't stand Jean and vice versa.  
Bertolt is pretty much terrified of Ymir (and he's not the only one.)  
Eren does not see how this will work at all.  
"I can see that you lack trust in this method. Which is understandable. But trust us, we know what we're doing," Erwin says, and then Levi is shouting at them to get in their position, so there's no time to discuss the issue.  
"This is fucked," Eren whispers to Armin.  
"I think it's a good strategy, actually," Armin whispers back.  
Eren rolls his eyes.  
"Just cause you have a dude crush on Mr. Smith doesn't mean that all he says it right."  
"It's not a dude crush, Eren. I just respect him and his work immensely. A dude crush is what you have for Coach Levi."  
Eren punches his friend on the shoulder, half in jest, and half seriously.  
"Bro, you're just jealous cause my dude crush is much cooler than yours."  
"How can a football Coach be cooler than a school principal?"  
"Bro..."  
"And if Artlet and Jaeger are done gossiping I would very much like for the match to start," Coach Levi shouts from the other corner of the field. Both Eren and Armin choose wisely to shut up.  
Coach Levi blows the whistle and the game starts.  
*  
*  
*  
"You should just shave off your head, you stupid mandavoshka," Annie spits off. By the look of Erwin Smith's face, Eren can tell two things:  
1\. Principal Smith can speak Russian.  
2\. Annie's cursing game is hella strong.  
"Leonheart, Ackerman, off the field," Levi calls out.  
There is an outburst of protest from the Red Team. They don't want to lose two of the best players in the team.  
Eren joins the protests because he doesn't think it's fair either.  
"Why should Mikasa leave? Annie was the one who started it," he tells Coach Levi.  
Levi glares at him and Eren know it's best to shut up but he really thinks it's unfair.  
"She pulled on Mikasa's hair because 'it got in her eyes while playing'. I mean, that's bullshit," Eren insists. He can imagine the concerned look that Armin is probably giving him without even having to look.  
"Jaeger..." Levi growls. It's a warning, Eren knows.  
He's not stupid. He knows. He just doesn't pay attention.  
"You're always blaming Mikasa for this shit, that isn't fair!"  
"Eren Jaeger!"  
That shuts him up. Because he has never heard level-headed, unmovable Erwin Smith shouting at someone.  
He looks angry now, jaw clenched and eyebrows furrowed. Even Levi at his side looks surprised.  
It's admittedly terrifying.  
"Eren Jaeger," Erwin continues, calmer yet his tone still hard, "your behavior right now is unacceptable. You don't get to make the rules of the game here. You don't get to disrespect your Coach or any other member of the alumni like that. Understood?"  
Eren bites his tongue, hard. But he nods. Erwin nods too.  
"Mikasa, Annie and Eren. Get out of the field."  
It's Team Blue's time to complain then. Eren can see Armin attempting to make the Coach reconsider, but he shuts him down with a shake of the head.  
The three dishonored players walk away. Mikasa and Eren walk towards each other almost involuntarily. Annie, on the other hand, walks far away.  
"What an asshole," Eren says once he's sure Mr. Smith and Levi won't hear.  
"Mmm," Mikasa hums.  
"I mean, maybe you shouldn't have punched her. But she scratched all you face up! And she pulled your hair!"  
"Mmm."  
"Actually, I think it's fair that you punched her."  
"Mmm."  
"And it's not like you punched her that hard anyways, I mean..."  
"Eren... Thank you."  
Eren stops walking. Looking sideways, he can see Mikasa's small smile hidden underneath her long black hair.  
"Okay," Eren says, because he can't really say anything else.  
"When they told us to get away from the field, how far did they expected us to go?" Eren asks, changing the subject.  
"Let's sit down here," Mikasa says. She sits down on the grass, next to a small flower bed. Eren sits behind her.  
"Want me to fix it?" He asks while holding a long strand of hair. Mikasa shrugs and Eren watches her shoulders rise and fall.  
"Okay," she says. So Eren does.  
Truthfully, he hasn't done this in a while. He used to do it for her mum when he was little. She taught him how. And he did it for Mikasa in primary.  
It's like riding a bike maybe, he thinks, you don't forget how to do it regardless of how much time has passed.  
Dividing all her hair into two, he starts splitting smaller strands and intertwining them. Her hair is very long, so he knows it's going to be a while. But he likes taking his time in this sorts of things. They ease him up.  
"Was Mr. Smith's idea a disaster or was it a disaster?"  
Mikasa laughs softly. Very softly.  
"A bloodbath," she says.  
"Yeah, I don't think Ymir kicked Bertolt's crotch accidentally."  
"It was as accidental as my punch to Annie's face," she says smiling shyly and Eren laughs.  
"Connie and Sasha passing the ball to each other, even when they played for different team was the best thing I've ever seen."  
"You passed me the ball too."  
"That was only once. And it was a knee-jerk reaction. I'm always playing with you."  
"You did it twice," she counters.  
"It was an accident."  
"As accidental as Ymir's kick to Bertolt's crotch."  
They spend the rest of football practice chatting aimlessly and laughing. By the time Eren is done with Mikasa's braid, everyone seems to have left.  
"You're good at this."  
"Yeah. And, you know, I could do this for you before every practice, cause I know you don't like ponytails and playing with your hair untied seems to be more dangerous than expected."  
Eren looks at Mikasa, but she doesn't answer back. Even though it's a slight change in her features, Eren can tell that she isn't very happy with that idea.  
He wants to add something, correct his proposition, but then he spots Armin. And then he spots Annie Leonheart.  
They are both together, sitting underneath the stands surrounding the field. They seem to be sharing a set of ear buds, listening to music and laughing.  
Annie is laughing.  
Eren is very confused.  
"What the heck?"  
Armin looks up then and his smile disappears.  
"Ehm, hi guys? Let's get going, right?" He says, looking visibly uncomfortable.  
"Nah, I think you're busy right now, man. We can meet later at my house. Unless you two are busy later?"  
Annie smirks and Eren finds that slightly terrifying. But that won't stop him from teasing Armin as much as is humanly possible.  
"We should get going, though? Annie is busy anyways. Ehm, bye Annie," he says and walks away from her.  
Annie stares at them, one eyebrow raised. She grabs her backpack and stands up.  
"Bye Armin," she says.  
Then she kisses Armin right on the lips. And walks away.  
"Holy sh..."  
"SHUT UP EREN! Mouth-kissing is common in Russia!"  
"Sure, champ."  
Eren laughs and Mikasa starts laughing too. Armin is blushing so much that Eren is afraid he might pop a vein.  
"I can't believe you got frisky with the enemy," Eren says as they walk towards their bikes.  
"She's not the enemy. She's funny and smart. And I don't dislike her. Sorry, Mikasa. But I want to be her friend," Armin says.  
"Friends, is that how they call it this days, huh?"  
"It's fine," Mikasa says, “you can befriend, Annie even if I don't like her. And I can befriend Jean. Even if Eren doesn't like it."  
That kills the mood in Eren's opinion.  
"I don't remember consenting to that," he states firmly.  
Mikasa and Armin laugh, even when Eren can't see what's so funny.  
They ride towards a Dunkin' Donuts near school to pick up some snack.  
Then they head towards Eren's house and spend a couple of hours messing around.  
Armin leaves early because he has homework to do that is due for next week. Eren is appalled.  
Mikasa stays for a while longer. Eren suggests that she stays to sleep, because his parents aren't home and it's not like his mum would mind, anyways.  
She objects.  
"My father doesn't really like it when I stay to sleep here and your parents aren't home," she says.  
"Why? Like, it's not like anything is going to happen. We're just friends."  
But even as he says that, he feels a rush of excitement for some reason.  
Mikasa shakes her head and stands up to leave.  
"Let me walk you home, at least," he says.  
She agrees and they walk silently four blocks towards Mikasa's house.  
The sun has already set by then and everything is illuminated by the lamplights and the light escaping from the windows of the houses.  
It all feels very calm.  
The thing is, Eren knows he's like a spark. He knows that he jumps and twirls and burns violently at the smallest of altercations.  
But right now, enveloped by the dark sky and the quietness, walking side by side with Mikasa. Right now, both of them in their football uniforms, with their knees scratched and the smell of grass and spring venturing between the cracks of winter.  
Right now he feels like a goddamn pyre, burning high and steady.  
He feels like this is a moment. And that he will remember this, as simple as it is.  
"Goodnight, Mikasa," Eren says when they reach her porch. Mikasa looks at him, intently. Searching for something that she knows she will find there if she looks hard enough.  
He thinks. He doesn't know. He hasn't been knowing much of anything lately.  
She leans over then, and kisses his cheek.  
"Sweet dreams, Eren," she says. And she goes inside.  
Eren walks back home and he still feels like a pyre.  
*  
*  
*  
This is the night Eren dreams. This is the first nightmare he has.  
It all starts here. It all started before.  
It all ends here. It all ended before.  
*  
*  
_*_  
_Where are you? What is this?_  
_There is blood on your shirt. Yours?_  
_No._  
_The rustle of the trees. They are so tall. Had they always been this way?_  
_There is the imprint of a face drawn in the blood. Someone must have... The face is not yours._  
_You are alive._  
_This isn't your blood._  
_You try to stand up. It hurts. Something's not right. Your leg._  
_It's your right leg._  
_But it hurts all over._  
_Everything hurts. You sway._  
_You sit down again._  
_There's blood on your shirt._  
_It isn't yours._  
_Someone is dead._  
_You are alive._  
_There is darkness at the edges of your vision._  
_You are alive and someone is dead._  
_And then you pass out._


	2. These fragile feelings will make you falter (Tuesday)

 

“I think I’ll go home and mull this over

Before I cram it down my throat

At long last it's crashed, it's colossal mass

Has broken up into bits in my moat”

-Caring Is Creepy by The Shins

 

Eren wakes up with a headache and the taste of blood in his mouth. The alarm clock tells him that he doesn't have to get up for two hours in red, glaring digits. But he gets out of bed, because staying still is one of his least favorite things to do. He grabs an aspirin from his parent's bathroom and he swallows it dry.

In the kitchen, he puts bread in the toaster and pours a glass of milk for himself, to wash out the taste of oxidized metal. But it doesn't go away. Eren thinks about last night dream as he eats his toast. He can only remember the bloody imprint of a face and a lingering pain in his right leg. The details have been washed away by the morning light; much like the tide erases words written on the shore. 

He knows it was a nightmare. He knows that it was awful.

But that doesn't explain why he woke up crying.

*

*

*

When Eren is done with breakfast, he rides his bike towards school. He is one and a half hour early and the doors are closed, so he walks towards the spot where he and Mikasa spent football practice. He lies down there, and uses his backpack as an impromptu pillow. It's a good thing that he always forgets to bring his textbooks, his backpack is basically just filled with his sweater and his football uniform. Really, all Eren wants is to look at the clouds as dawn breaks and paints the sky in streaks of baby blue. But he only gets a couple of minutes of relaxation before a not-very-tall figure obstructs his view.

"Jaeger, please tell me you haven't stayed here since yesterday."

Eren sits up to stare at his football coach. Levi isn't a tall man, that's for certain. But when he was younger he had an extremely promising career as a football player.

That was before he broke his leg in a car accident. Or before he was in assassination attempt gone bad. Or before he fell from Mt. Everest. Or maybe, before the Russian mafia broke it after he double-crossed them.

Rumors of what exactly occurred are various and varied. But they all come to the same conclusion.

After he broke his leg, Levi lost his amazing agility, his strength and his chances of entering a professional team.

He hasn't lost, though, his cunning. Or his pride. And that is why Eren respects him (he does not have a dude-crush as Armin so vehemently insists).

"I haven't stayed here since yesterday."

"Brilliant. Then what the fuck are you doing here?"

"Back to cursing like a sailor, Coach?"

"Erwin isn't here to stop me from murdering you, kiddo. So don't get so cheeky."

"Sorry," Eren says and goes back to looking at the sky. He's always nervous and excited when he speaks to Levi. Because yeah, the guy is awesome. Eren has seen old videos of Levi playing for his high school in national tournaments and he is beyond belief, almost elegant in the way he moves.

But right now? Now he is in the mood for introspection and silence.

In the mood to be alone.

"Alright, what's up Jaeger?"

"Coach?"

Levi sighs and sits down next to Eren.

"Don't play dumb, brat. I've known you since you were a thirteen year old nuisance. What in other people is perceived as hyper as fuck is basically your standard mode. So when you seem 'calm' I can't help but worry."

"Awww, coach, you care about me."

"I swear to God, I know exactly how and where to hide a corpse."

Eren does not doubt this.

"I don't know, I'm just tired, I guess," Eren says and shrugs. Tries to act nonchalantly.

"Well, you did arrive a bit early today. Why are you even here, brat?"

"What about you? Why are you here so early if you don't train anyone until after midday?"

Levi raises and eyebrow at this.

"You know my schedule?"

"No."

"Right, well, not that is any of your business. But Erwin gets here early to open the school doors. And I hitch a ride from him."

Eren frowns and tears a grass blade from the ground.

"But Mr. Smith lives ten blocks from school, and he always walks here."

Levi raises his eyebrow again.

"You know where Erwin lives?"

"That's Armin's fault. He told me that."

"You kids are weird."

"Yeah. So, why are you here early then?"

Levi sighs and stretches his arms above his head. Something in his movements reminds Eren of a panther. All feline grace and a predatory gaze.

"Would you believe me if I told you that I'm Erwin's bodyguard?"

"Not really, no."

"I don't care then. Weren't we talking about you a second ago?"

"No."

"Jaeger..."

Eren shakes his head and makes a move to stand up but Coach Levi grabs his arm with a gentleness that he does not expect.

"Eren, you can talk to me. Or not. But talk to someone. I know I'm not 'sensitive' or 'nice' even, but I'm not stupid and I know when someone is feeling like shit."

Eren stands up anyways and starts walking away, only to turn back around and walk towards Levi who is still sitting on the ground with his knees to his chest.

"I had a bad dream. That's all," he says, and hates the fact that his voice quivers.

Levi doesn't laugh at him, or makes some crass joke. He just nods.

"I know about nightmares. I have them too. You know what makes me feel better after having a nightmare?"

"Talking about it to someone?"

Levi makes a strange strangled sound which Eren takes a second to realize is laughter.

"Fuck no. I get drunk and destroy mailboxes with a baseball bat. That is, when I'm alone. But when I have someone who, let's say, I consider an ally..."

"You mean a friend?"

"I meant what I said. Well, when it's someone I trust I may not talk to them about it. But it helps to be around them. Just being near people who I don't hate makes me feel better. Sometimes. Not always."

"So you're saying I should get drunk and break mailboxes using a baseball bat along with my allies?"

Levi seems to consider this for a second.

"I guess what I'm trying to say is, go find Blond Coconut Head and Ackerman and do something with them. Brake stuff. Or watch a movie. Or look at the sky and see what shape the clouds are. Like that one. That looks like a turd. Just don't isolate yourself. Because it's when you're alone that it really gets to you. You understand what I'm saying?"

Eren shrugs.

"Yeah, I think I do."

Levi nods and stands up.

"You know, Coach. I think you're actually really nice. Even if you don't think so yourself,"

Levi starts walking away, but he turns around a few meters away.

"If you ever say that to anyone, I will very much murder you, Jaeger."

Eren nods again and watches Levi walk away.

His left leg is stiff; it makes his walk seem strangely unbalanced.

And yet, Eren thinks, his movements are as strangely fluid and as graceful as they were before the accident.

Eren walks towards the school's doors feeling just a bit lighter, but not much.

*

*

*

Eren tries to follow Coach Levi's advice, hang out with his friends and all that. He really does. But Mikasa seems to have missed school. And he has very few classes with Armin, who prefers to take all the high level ones because he is a nerd, obviously.

He tries to catch Armin at lunch and waits for him to exit his Literature class. However, he sees Armin walking alongside Annie, both very close to each other. Armin is probably explaining something nerdy because he is waving his arms too much and his eyes are brighter than they usually are.

Eren is about to intercede, knowing that talking about fruit flies' reproduction or the history of how the Weimar Republic was formed aren't exactly very flirty or fun topics of conversation.

But then he sees Annie looking at Armin almost... tenderly? Her mouth is slightly pulled back, indicating the hint of a smile. And her eyes are trained on every gesture that Armin makes. At one point she even laughs (a weirdly childish giggle which Eren never thought would come out of her) and Armin blushes.

Eren decides to go have lunch on his own.

*

*

*

Eren is unable to have lunch on his own. As soon as he sits down near the Tree, Sasha and Connie run towards him with their food trays.

"Eren!" Sasha exclaims with her mouth full of bread.

"Eren!" Connie repeats, in a much calmer tone.

"We were looking for you, bro," he says.

"Why?" Eren asks.

Because, yeah, he likes Sasha and Connie but it's not like they are friends or whatever.

"Cause, you're our fellow teammate and we appreciate your existence," Sasha says. With her mouth full. Again.

"Also, we wanted to know if you knew why Mikasa isn't in school today," Connie adds.

"I texted her but she hasn't answered me yet." Eren was actually a tad concerned about that.

"Yoh, she hasn't answered me either," Sasha says.

Eren is surprised that Sasha has Mikasa's phone. Perhaps they really are friends. Perhaps all his friends have other friends.

Perhaps he should be getting other friends too.

"I'm sure she's fine, though," Connie adds, as if trying to reassure him.

Eren nods and waits for them to stand up and leave now that they got what they wanted. But, for some reason, they both start a conversation about which one of Buddy's cakes in Cake Boss was the most awesome.

"What do you think, Eren? Was it the Shrek cake with a life-size Shrek or was it the one of the shark biting off someone's leg that sprayed blood when it was cut?"

Eren shrugs.

"I don't really watch that show but the shark one sounds amazing. Also, Shrek cake? Seriously Connie?"

"Shrek is love, bro. Shrek is life," Connie states, staring intently at Eren.

"I understood that reference," Sasha exclaims.

"And I understood that reference," Connie counters back at her.

"I didn’t understand either of those references," Eren says.

Connie and Sasha look at each other and grin. It's the same grin that Eren saw on their faces right before and after the school's pool was mysteriously filled with red dye and detergent. He finds that unnerving.

"Don't worry bro, will get you in the loop. This Saturday we'll marathon every Marvel movie in the history of ever, alright?" Connie says, still grinning.

Sasha nods while chewing.

"Bring Mikasa and Armin. It'll be awesome," she says, still chewing.

Eren is really surprised by her ability to eat and speak so clearly.

"Sure," he says, even though he is taking the offer slightly warily.

"Cool. You gonna eat that?" Sasha asks, pointing at his slightly-charred mystery meat that he bought from the cafeteria. Eren shakes his head and gives her the plate.

Both her and Connie nod approvingly and for some reason Eren has the feeling that he just joined a gang or something.

They spend the rest of lunch break chatting and making silly jokes.

It's kind of neat.

*

*

*

During Math class Eren gets a text.

 

**Mikasa:**

Sorry I didn't answer before. I'll be there for football practice.

 

Eren lets out a sigh of relief and continues to not pay attention for the rest of the class.

*

*

*

Erwin Smith is back with a vengeance. He insists on making the same groups as before. Everyone does what he says begrudgingly.

Eren doesn't complain this time, mostly because he is feeling kind of anxious. Mikasa hasn't showed up yet.

Erwin says that if Mikasa doesn't get here on time that Levi could play with them so that they are equally divided.

Coach Levi's face goes hard at that comment and he looks at Mr. Smith strangely. They stare at each other in the eye for a very awkward amount of seconds, while the students watch silently.

Finally Erwin just smiles, still looking sad for some reason, and looks away with a resigned sigh.

Eren is slightly disappointed since he too wanted to see Levi play. If he was even half as capable as he used to be, he would still be able to smoke them all out.

But just then, Ymir lets out a wolf-whistle.

"Nice make-over, Ackerman."

Eren turns to see what all the fuzz is about.

And then he sees Mikasa.

Her hair is now short, barely reaching her shoulders. The long, luscious black hair is gone.

Everyone is quiet. Everyone, Eren figures, is thinking the same thing.

He turns to look at Annie, who seems taken aback by Mikasa's new hair-do.

"Ackerman..." Coach Levi says as a way of greeting.

Mikasa nods towards him and then looks around at everyone's baffled faces. Finally, she shrugs.

"It's only hair," she says quietly. And that's the end of it.

"You look very stylish, Mikasa. Short hair is kind of a trend in Paris right now. Trés chic," Historia says and winks at Eren. 

Eren is even more baffled.

"Yeah, it's, it's very pretty, Mikasa," Bertolt adds and Reiner nods in agreement.

Mikasa looks at Eren then. Expectantly.

He doesn't know what she wants.

"I guess you didn't like the braid I did as much as I thought," he says. He tries to make it sound like a joke, but it sounds strangely bitter.

Why should he care about Mikasa's hair? She does look very pretty. It makes her cheekbones stand out more, makes her eyes seem brighter and more alluring.

Just because she cut it right after Eren offered to braid it for her, it doesn't mean anything at all. Right?

Mikasa sighs and shakes her head at his answer.

"You don't get it," she says.

He wants to add something else. Make things right. He has been saying all the wrong things lately and it’s making him so confused. Never knowing what to do when he's around her.

And it used to be so easy once.

"You look really nice, Mikasa," Jean says and he's blushing like such an asshole.

Eren's blood boils.

"That's enough. Let's get back to what matters. The freaking match," Coach Levi shouts.

Eren sighs in relief.

At least this is something that he can understand.

As long and he's moving he doesn't have to think.

Reckless, you're so reckless, Eren thinks. But then he's running. And he no longer thinks

*

*

*

"Connie said we could get together on Saturday. Watch some movies," Eren tells her. The match is finally over and, Eren has to admit, the game has really improved. No one tried to intentionally harm nobody. Sasha and Connie only passed the ball to each other twenty times. No one bled. And Eren even scored a goal with Jean's assistance.

He's starting to think that Erwin was on to something.

"We're on speaking terms?" Mikasa asks him, and even if her tone seems calmed and monotonous, Eren knows she's pissed. It's in her face. In the ways her eyebrows and turned and her nose is slightly scrunched up.

Eren sighs. The match has helped him to release some tension. The words may come easier to him now that he's more at peace.

"I had a nightmare," he says, and automatically wonders just why the hell he said that.

Mikasa scrutinizes him for a second with her eyes.

"I'm sorry," he adds.

 She nods then.

"I get it," she says quietly.

"I don't," he says. And wonders whether they are even speaking about the same thing. They used to speak the same language when they were kids. He isn't so sure about that now.

"Don't worry, then. I promise I'll explain it to you later," she says.

Eren isn't sure that he understands that either. But she smiles softly at him and he smiles back.

Because things seem alright when Mikasa smiles.

He touches her short hair, and combs his fingers through it. He doesn't know why he does that but she doesn't stop him. Her eyes always seem so dark when they're close like this.

Mikasa's skin turns slightly pink but she doesn't look embarrassed.

She looks like she understands.

Heat builds in Eren's face and he thinks he too can understand. That he is so close to the answer.

"Guys are we heading home or... Oh."

Eren turns to see Armin and Annie standing next to them.

They are holding hands.

What the hell.

Eren let's go of Mikasa's hair and backs away.

"Yeah, let's go home," he says. He feels like he was grasping something but let go too soon. Like he almost connected the pieces.

He turns to see Mikasa, but she's looking at something else. Something in the distance.

"I like it. You hair, I mean. You look very pretty," Annie says.

Eren is about to shut her up, but he realizes she looks honest. Like she really meant to compliment Mikasa.

Like she was saying 'sorry'.

"Thank you," Mikasa says quietly. And it too sounds like 'sorry'.

"Bye, Annie," Armin says. And he kisses her on the lips.

Annie blushes, she looks surprised. Then her face softens.

"Yes. Bye," she says. And then turns to leave the other way.

"Goddamn, Armin," Mikasa says, and it sounds so strangely out of place that Eren can't help but laugh. Mikasa laughs too and soon Armin is joining them, his face still flushed.

"Goddamn indeed," he says in between bouts of laughter, "Goddamn indeed."

*

*

*

That night Eren goes to bed feeling very tired. And yet he doesn't feel like sleeping. His parents won't be home for a while. They are both on a business trip, his father doing research for a new substitute for plastic in a chemical plant in Tokyo and his mother is in Berkeley negotiating a deal with a small electronics factory.

As usual, his dad is farther away, more untraceable and distant that his mom.

As usual, both are busy and not there.

As usual.

Eren sighs. He is already used to being alone in the house. But right now he wishes someone was there. The house feels far too big.

He suddenly hears the unmistakable sound of 'All Star,' by Smashmouth playing in the distance. He goes to the kitchen where he left his phone.

The thing is vibrating to the rhythm of that ungodly song.

Eren has no doubt in his mind that this is Connie's fault because this is most definitely not his usual ringtone.

Caller ID tells him that 'Mikasa' is calling him. He picks up.

"Hey," he says.

"Were you sleeping?” she asks.

"No, not really," he tells her.

"Ah. You sound tired. You should be sleeping."

Eren rolls his eyes.

"Okay, mom," he says.

"Don't do that. I just wanted to say goodnight to you."

"And sweet dreams?"

Mikasa makes a disapproving sound.

"Last time I said that and you had nightmares," she says.

"I doubt that it had anything to do with you, though."

"You never know," she says and then they are both silent.

They spend a minute on the phone without talking, but without hanging up either. It’s strangely comforting.

"Goodnight, Eren," she says after a while.

Eren wants to tell her to wait. Eren wants to ask her to stay on the line until he falls asleep. Until he feels like he is safe, somehow.

"Goodnight, Mikasa," he says instead. And then they both hang up.

Eren goes back to bed.

After a couple of hours being unable to fall asleep, he sends Mikasa a message.

"I liked your new haircut," he writes. He waits for her reply, but he realizes that she's probably asleep.

Half an hour later, so is he.

*

*

*

_Mikasa is there._

_You know this._

_You recognize her hair. Black as the sky and raven wings and stormy clouds. Black like death and death and death._

_You can feel her hair between your fingers._

_The birds screech above your heads._

_"Help," they seem to scream. Shrill. Impossible words for impossible birds._

_You comb her hair between your fingers. You reach the end of each strand quickly and smoothly._

_It's so short. So short._

_Cut. She cut it._

_Why did she cut it?_

_The birds have all flown away and you still hear the same scream, "Help!"_

_The ground seems to rattle underneath you._

_You can smell now, the smell of oxidized metal._

_It's the smell of blood spilt._

_Blood on the ground._

_Blood in the air._

_Blood on your shirt and someone is dead_

_You remember then, that she cut it because of you. She cut her hair because you told her to do so._

_Realization dawns on you._

_This is all your fault._

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I meant to post this yesterday but I've been sick and bed-ridden so sorry for the delay and thanks for all the kudos and comments.
> 
> Playlist for the fic --> http://8tracks.com/sofpica/you-remind-me-of-this-song-i-heard-before


	3. Further exponential descent into darkness (Wednesday)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter contains a character's death but it's in a dream so like not really? just heads up

“Oh you lie next to me

Heart is beating heavily

There's blood in your ear though

Blood on your shirt

It's too late to say you're sorry

Say you're sorry still

I stepped out with heavy heart

To bail you out again

Oh those things you do

Oh those things you do

Get out! And get gone

This town is only gonna get worse

Get out! And get gone

This town is only gonna eat you”

-Bloody Shirt by To Kill A King

 

Eren wakes up breathless, clutching the bed sheets tight and his body locked by fear. He breathes big gasps of air that just won’t reach his lungs. He turns to his side and dry-heaves and coughs. His throat aches and all he can see is Mikasa’s face covered in dried blood.

He calms down after a couple of minutes. He is drenched in sweat and his heart is still beating hard against his chest. Eren places a hand against his chest as if to calm it down.

The alarm clock tells him that he is late for school.

Eren stands up on shaky legs and goes to the bathroom. He takes a shower of cold water and rests his forehead against the tiles until he starts to shiver.

He covers himself with a towel and looks at his cellphone. He has 15 unread text messages, but chooses to ignore them all.

He puts on a pair of black briefs and goes back to bed. There is no point in going to school now.

Eren closes his eyes, thinks that he’ll never fall asleep again.

And then he is back.

*

*

*

_“Breathe,” she says. Her voice sounds broken._

_You can still hear the birds._

_“Breathe, Eren,” she says again._

_Her hair is short and it’s your fault and someone is dead and_

_“You’re alive.”_

_And you’re alive._

_Your vision is still cloudy but at least you can focus now. Mikasa’s face is covered in dried blood. But you don’t think it’s all hers._

_Because she is alive, resting on your lap and looking back at you._

_“You’re alive,” you tell her, and your brain has trouble processing how wonderful that is._

_Someone alive. Mikasa alive._

_You look around you and all you can see are trees. Your 3DM gear lays at your side, completely busted. Mikasa’s gear is also discarded besides yours. It probably ran out of gas._

_You understand the fact that you’re in danger but you still can’t explain why._

_“You fell,” Mikasa tells you. Her face is serious._

_Has she always looked this sad?_

_“I broke my leg,” you tell her._

_“It’s already fixing itself.”_

_You can tell she’s right, because the pain is far less acute. But you doubt that you’ll be able to stand up, yet._

_“Why did I fell?”_

_Mikasa sits up then. You can see cuts on her forearms and her forehead. There is a bruise forming on her jaw._

_“You’re reckless,” she tells you, as if that explained everything._

_And it kind of does._

_“Is your gear broken as well?” She nods._

_“Then,” you tell her, “what are we going to do?”_

_“We’re going back,” she tells you._

_“Mikasa, I don’t think I can stand up. Not yet. And where is everyone?”_

_Where is everyone? Where’s Corporal Levi and Hanji? Where’s Historia or Sasha or Connie or Armin? Where’s Armin?_

_“I don’t know,” she tells you. Her face remains impassive but her tone tells you something isn’t quite right._

_“Someone is dead,” you say. She doesn’t answer, so you know you’re right._

_“We have to move.”_

_“How? No gears, no horses. Do you intend us to walk back to base?”_

_You’re angry and you don’t even know why. It’s like you’re always angry. Like wrath had situated itself into your core, etched your bones with unquenchable fury._

_Mikasa remains silent. And that just pisses you off even more._

_“Stand up, Eren,” she says after a while. You frown at her. But you stand up. Your leg still aches but you can feel your bones readjusting and rebuilding themselves. In ten minutes it’ll probably be healthy._

_Because you’re a shifter._

_“The titans,” you whisper, mostly to yourself. You had forgotten that they existed. Forgotten that every second of your life was filled with terrible anguish and even the brightest moments were mere interruptions in an endless cycle of pain and fear._

_How could you possibly forget that?_

_“I haven’t seen any close by,” she says._

_You nod. You know that that means you’re safe. Or as safe as you can possibly be._

_“How far will we have to walk to get back to the base?” you ask her. You feel embarrassed of asking something so dumb, but your internal compass is shaken and you have no idea where you’re standing right now._

_“About 35km,” she says._

_That’s not much of a distance. The issue is mainly the titans. The issue is always the titans._

_“If I turn into a… if I turn into a titan then we can travel that distance much faster. You can sit on my shoulder; we’ll probably be back in an hour or so.”_

_Mikasa shakes her head at this idea._

_“If you transform into a titan, other titans will be attracted to you. And what if you go berserk? We can’t risk it.”_

_You frown, even when you know she’s right._

_“Then, I’ll guess we’ll have to walk,” you tell her, “at some point, we will probably cross paths with someone.”_

_Mikasa doesn’t answer, but she turns to walk towards where you think the base is located. 35km away._

_As you start walking your leg feels stronger, and soon enough you consider it fixed. But the ache in your muscles and the throbbing headache won’t leave you. Both of you are quiet for the first 5 to 6 kilometers. The silence makes you uncomfortable, so you turn to Mikasa, to find the missing pieces in the lacunas of your mind._

_“How exactly did I break my leg?”_

_Mikasa’s step falter for a second, but then she’s marching on, a pace a tad quicker than before._

_“I told you,” she says quietly, “you fell.”_

_You fell._

_“But how? I mean, did a titan attack me? Did my gear break? I mean, what happened, exactly?”_

_Mikasa turns to look at you as she walks._

_“A titan grabbed you. You tried to transform, but he hit your head against a tree and you passed out.”_

_You wait for a while for her to continue talking, but minutes pass and you realize that she’s not going to continue speaking._

_“And then? What happened then Mikasa?”_

_Mikasa slows down then, allowing you to walk alongside her._

_“I tried to help you. I don’t think that it was a mistake but it was a rush decision. I left a member of the squad on his own devices, with three titans. I thought that he would be able to take them down…”_

_“You don’t have to keep telling me this if you don’t want to. I didn’t mean to… make you cry.”_

_Mikasa looks at you surprised. She mustn’t have realized that a single tear was rolling down from her left eye. She reaches her hand up to remove it, but you intercede. You touch your thumb to her tear. When you look at it your thumb, you see the tiny imprint of moistness mixed with dried blood. There is something very awful and beautiful about that._

_You turn to look at Mikasa, and she’s staring right back at you. Something about her stare makes you swallow, and your throat feels dry and molested. You realize then that you are thirsty._

_“Do you have any water in your flask?” she asks, seemingly reading your very thoughts. You look inside your backpack but find nothing. Not even your flask remains._

_You turn to the sides, stare at trees and trees and nothing more than an infinite amount of forest. Everything seems the same to you._

_But then something clicks in your mind._

_“I know where we are,” you tell Mikasa, “There, that tree, I recognize it.”_

_Mikasa turns to look at the tree you’re pointing at. At first sight it seems just like any other tree. But then you see the inscriptions._

_Carved onto its side are the words “Magnolias and Churches, all gone but not forgotten.” You had seen it during an expedition and thought the cryptic message meant something. You had shown it to Levi, who has seemed slightly surprised when he saw it at first, but quickly dismissed it as nothing important to the mission._

_“Not far from that tree, around 300 meters to the west” Levi had told you hours later, as you rode back from the expedition, “there is a small river. I don’t know where it starts and I don’t know where it ends. But back then I thought they would like it there. Anyway, that’s bullshit, it’s not like it matters when you’re fucking dead.”_

_You had been confused about what Colonel Levi was talking about, but then remembered the cryptic message carved into the tree and knew that it was best to just nod and remain quiet._

_It was one of the only times that you had not acted recklessly in your life._

_“There is a river 300 meters from here. We would have to deviate from our way, but at least we would have fresh water. And you still have your flask, which we can fill for the rest of the way.”_

_Mikasa nods and does not ask you about the message. You’re glad she doesn’t, because you don’t think you could have told her about Colonel Levi, and you don’t like lying to Mikasa._

_“Lead the way,” she says, and you do so._

_After walking for a couple of minutes towards the west, you hear the almost silent murmur of water rushing. Soon enough you come across a small river. If you were to walk in to it, water wouldn’t rich your knees. If you had a head-start, you could probably jump it._

_You think about the ocean and it breaks your heart._

_Both Mikasa and you drink as much water as you can. Mikasa then fills her flask to the brim. You get ready to start walking again, but Mikasa sits on the bank of the river. She brings her knees towards her chest and hugs herself._

_Something about that position reminds you of a little girl who saw her parents get killed, who saw death and destruction and had her family taken from her twice._

_She isn’t crying but her face shows nothing but the most incurable of melancholies._

_“Mikasa?” you say, as you sit beside her._

_“Someone died,” she tells you. You knew this already, but nod regardless._

_“Eren, someone died, and it was my fault,” she says and then goes quiet again._

_“Mikasa. It wasn’t your fault, you were trying to help me because… because I’m your family. You didn’t want to lose me. I… I would have done the same for you,” you tell her, but she shakes her head almost desperately._

_“You don’t understand,” she says, even more quietly than she usually does, “I thought he could take them. I thought, if I can take three, then so can he. He is better than me. He is better than all of us. I didn’t… I didn’t remember his leg was harmed. I forgot he was slower than he usually is.”_

_Mikasa pauses to take a deep breath and dread feels you as you start making sense of her words._

_“Mikasa…”_

_“It was Levi. Colonel Levi is dead. He… they threw him to the ground and he hit his head too hard. I just… I didn’t know what to do. He wouldn’t wake up. So I grabbed you and tried to run away. I run as far and as fast as I could and then I passed out. And then I woke up and realized I killed him. I killed the humanity’s strongest soldier. I killed our last hope.”_

_She falls into you, breathing hard. She’s not crying and neither are you, but you feel such miserable sadness that you think you heart could explode from it._

_“Mikasa…” you say, and choke on your words. You can’t speak._

_This doesn’t feel true. The strongest of all has fallen. The most powerful one._

_The most likely to come out of this alive. And now he’s dead._

_You hug her, as hard as you can._

_You try to convey to her that this isn’t her fault. That it was the titans. That it is always the titans._

_You hug her as tightly as possible to anchor yourself, to make sure she is there at least for now. That she won’t disappear._

_That you still have a chance to save her._

*

*

*

Eren wakes up feeling sad. And he can’t shake the feeling away.

His head still hurts, so he goes to the bathroom. He pisses and takes an aspirin from the battle. He swallows it with a glass of water because he feels like his throat is parched.

Then he goes back to bed. And he falls asleep again.

*

*

*

_You’ve been walking for three hours now. Your pace is much slower, you notice. But you can’t help it. Your body feels as if blood had been replaced with lead. Every step weighs you down._

_Your throat is slightly parched, but you and Mikasa are sharing one water flask. And the last thing you want to do is take Mikasa’s portion from her. You attempt to keep your pace constant and your voice unwavering, in hopes that she won’t notice that you’re tired, thirsty and just heavy with regret._

_“Remember when we were nine and Armin showed us what a tangerine tree looked like? And I said I was sure I had seen a tree like that near the river bend and we spent hours searching for it. But it turned out I was wrong.”_

_“It was an orange tree,” Mikasa finishes for you softly._

_“Yeah,” you say, “It was an orange tree. And they were all unripe and extremely bitter but we ate them anyway.”_

_“Armin was sick for a week,” Mikasa adds, and she almost smiles._

_You laugh remembering tiny 9 year old Armin saying he would never eat something you gave him, even if he starved._

_“God, I don’t think he ever trusted me with food scavenging again. And he still hates oranges,” you say and laugh again._

_Mikasa does smile then, but then she turns to face you and her face grows cold again._

_You’ve always been surprised with her ability to shut down emotions immediately. Mikasa Ackerman is the sort of girl that can tell a joke with the straightest of faces. Mikasa Ackerman is the sort of girl that never ever cries (except she isn’t)._

_“Eren,” she says. She stares at you like she expects you to understand._

_Understand what?_

_Everything?_

_It’s simpler than that and harder to grasp._

_“Eren, do you remember waking up crying?”_

_You stop walking, almost tripping on yourself._

_“What do you mean?”_

_You attempt to hold her gaze, but her eyes are so dark and unmovable that you just have to look away._

_“I mean,” she says, “do you remember what you dreamed? When you woke up crying?”_

_You feel uneasiness coursing through you. You shake your head. Because it’s true. You don’t remember whatever happened in those dreams. You never do._

_“Are they bad? The nightmares?” she asks, and you know she wants you to answer, even if you can’t._

_“No,” you tell her, “I mean, yes. But they aren’t all nightmares.”_

_That’s true too. You have nightmares, of terrifying things, of your father screaming in pain and swallowing something vile, bones crushing against your teeth and someone saying that they are so proud of you. Someone calling you a monster._

_You dream of everyone you love dying, sometimes._

_Those are the nightmares._

_“I don’t cry when I have nightmares only,” you tell her, and your throat feels even dryer than it did before._

_“What else do you dream of?” she asks._

_And how could you ever tell her? You don’t even know yourself. You just dream and wake up with remnants of it clutched in your hands. You remember the simplicity of those dreams, the smell of chocolate in winter forests, and the warmth of your mother’s embrace. The roar of the ocean and the sweat dripping down your forehead beneath the punishing heat of the sun._

_Mikasa’s laughter, oddly nasal and airy. Unpredictably charming._

_Armin speaking to you in mathematics that he can afford to comprehend, because fighting is not a necessity._

_But you lack context. You lack the thread that courses through these images and keeps them from falling apart._

_Without it, none of it makes sense. It’s unachievable._

_“I dream of you laughing,” you tell her, and you don’t dare to keep on speaking._

_She looks slightly shocked for a second, but then she blushes and looks away._

_“And those are the good dreams?” Mikasa asks you. You smile._

_“Those are the best dreams.”_

_Mikasa just grunts in response, and turns to continue walking. You start to follow when she throws something at you. You manage to catch it and look at it. The flask._

_“You are thirsty,” she says, and it’s not a question._

_“Drink, Eren,” she tells you before you can complain, “You’ll feel better.”_

*

*

*

Eren wakes up again feeling parched. He coughs into his bed covers and walks towards the bathroom.

After swallowing glass of water after glass of water, he starts feeling a bit more human and more awake.

He checks his temperature with a thermometer, and although his body heat is usually higher than that of average people, he realizes that he does have a fever.

Eren sits on the coach, covering himself with a soft, green blanket. He attempts to watch some TV, but can’t seem to find something good to see.

In the end he sticks to some silly cooking reality show, the kind that Sasha seems to love.

He feels strange knowing something like that about her.

Eren realizes that he’s hungry and waddles towards the kitchen. He’s too lazy to actually make something that must be cooked, so he makes two sandwiches by piling up whatever he finds inside the fridge. They are stacked up so high that he can’t close his mouth around them, but he sure does try.

Eren spends the rest of the afternoon watching other reality shows and learns more than he wished he did about the Kardashian family. It keeps him mildly entertained

He falls asleep again at midnight, with the gentle lull of Scott Disick’s voice.

*

*

*

_You don’t believe in luck and the reason for that is that it is stupid._

_You’ve never met a single lucky person in your life._

_You don’t think that surviving counts at lucky, because being lucky should be more than just being able to stay alive for another day._

_So when you see Armin’s body, half of you already know that you aren’t lucky and that there is no way that this will have a happy ending._

_But the other half of you wants to believe. Half of you thinks that Armin will be alive and alright. The other half can see death whenever it is present._

_“Armin!” Mikasa shouts, sounding uncharacteristically young. She runs towards him, and you try to stop her._

_You want to tell her that luck doesn’t exist and that Armin couldn’t possibly be alive, lying there in a pool of blood, his body position strangely twisted._

_But you know that even then she would run towards him. And you know that you will run towards him too, regardless of it all._

_“Armin,” you both shout in unison as you approach his body. You heart is beating far too fast and you feel like throwing up. The stench of dried blood is making you dizzy and you start to run faster._

_Armin’s head turns towards you and you explode._

_“ARMIN!” you shout again, and fall to the floor next to him._

_His eyes are opened, even if they aren’t limpid. His chest is moving with each intake of air, even if his breaths are labored. His heart is beating, even when he has probably bled himself almost to death._

_He’s alive. He’s alive._

_He’s alive._

_God, he’s alive._

_“Eren,” he whispers, then his eyes turn towards Mikasa, and he smiles._

_“You’re alive. I’m… I’m so glad,” Armin says. He’s crying, but that’s okay, because you’re crying too and so is Mikasa._

_It’s okay because it means that you’re all alive._

_“Armin, we are so close to the base, just a few kilometers more and we’re safe. Can you stand up?” You ask him, touching him with shaking hands. Mikasa chokes down a sob._

_Armin smiles, but he looks utterly grim doing so._

_“Eren, I can’t even feel my legs,” he says. He laughs then but his laughter soon turns into painful sobs._

_“Does it hurt?” Mikasa asks him, splaying her fingers over his back. Armin shivers in response._

_“My spinal cord, I… I don’t think I’m ever going to walk again. Fuck that, I don’t think I’m going to live anymore. I can’t get back to the base. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” Armin says, his face scrunched up in agony._

_“We’ll carry you. What are you even talking about? Of course we’ll carry you,” you tell him, and attempt to pull him into your arms as proof of your words. Armin groans, but he doesn’t complain._

_Mikasa helps you to adjust him on your back. You feel the weight of Armin on top of you, and somehow you manage to feel a thousand times lighter than you did before finding him._

_“If a titan comes, you have to drop me. You won’t be able to fight if you don’t so please don’t hesitate to…”_

_“Shut up!” Mikasa shouts suddenly. Armin looks surprised but remains silent. Mikasa sighs. Her face is flushes red and she looks so tired and sad that you wish you could carry her too._

_“Armin, if you seriously think that we would just let you die, you… how can you be so smart and so stupid at the same time?” she asks him._

_Armin laughs softly._

_“I’m sorry. I don’t know what I was thinking. Of course. It’s us three till the end, right?”_

_You swallow and let another tear fall from your eyelashes, down your dusted cheek._

_The idea of losing them makes your whole body seize painfully._

_“This isn’t the end,” you tell him._

_And then you start walking without another word._

_Armin is on your back, and you can feel the blood that covers him sipping through you shirt. But the constant beat of his heart against your spine makes it all worth it._

_Mikasa walks alongside you, tenser than she was seconds ago._

_More cautious._

_If titans come, she’ll have to fight them alone. The thought brings you no comfort._

_“Armin,” Mikasa says as you trudge silently onwards._

_“Yes?” Armin asks._

_“Remember when Eren made you sick for a week with unripe wild oranges?”_

_Armin is silent for a second, and then he starts laughing. Mikasa laughs too and, in spite of it all, you laugh along._

_You walk on. Just the three of you._

_The birds squawk and you walk on._


	4. On the subject of ultra-violence (Thursday)

“Can't help myself but count the flaws

Claw my way out through these walls

One temporary escape

Feel it start to permeate

We lie beneath the stars at night

Our hands gripping each other tight

You keep my secrets hope to die

Promises, swear them to the sky”

-Young Blood by The Naked And Famous

 

"I called you, yesterday."

Eren reads Mikasa's neat cursive and turns to look at her.

When he catches her eyes, he merely shrugs. She rolls her eyes in response and turns to look at the front again.

Miss Hanji is going on and on about something something, whatever very scientific stuff, Eren is sure. But he can't seem to care.

Something hits the side of his face. He finds another piece of paper, a note from Mikasa.

At the start of the class she had tried texting Eren, but when he wouldn't answer, she asked Sasha to hit him with an eraser.

Sasha has a great aim.

Eren had turned to see Mikasa two desks from where he was sitting. Sasha was next to her smiling mischievously at him.

Mikasa had signaled for him to look at his phone.

He had looked inside his backpack but was unable to find it. Eren had then realized he had forgotten it back at home and then attempted to signal back this message to her.

She then got Sasha to throw paper planes at him with messages inside.

Up till now, Eren has gotten 3 messages:

"How could you forget your phone?"

To which Eren answered by shrugging.

"Why did you miss class?"

Eren also shrugged.

And, "I called you, yesterday."

Eren shrugged again.

The fourth message reads:

"Shrug again and I'll punch you in the balls."

Eren sighs and builds his own paper plane. In it, he writes:

"I was sick. I slept the whole day. Sorry. We can talk later."

He tries to throw the paper plane at Mikasa but it ends up flying above her head, towards Reiner's desk.

Reiner turns to look at him and Eren indicates that the note is for Mikasa with a hand gesture. Historia, sitting beside Reiner, watches their exchange and winks at Eren.

Historia has been winking at him a lot lately.

Reiner also smiles and passes the note towards Bertolt who passes it onto Connie who gives it to Sasha who reads the note before giving it to Mikasa.

Mikasa reads it and turns to Sasha. They seem to be whispering something to one another. Mikasa throws Eren's note towards Historia. Historia reads it and nods her face strangely grim.

She signals something to Mikasa and Sasha and they both nod back.

Eren feels dread climb up his spine at the thought of those three confabulating against him.

"So, what do you think, Eren?"

Eren turns to the front and sees Miss Hanji smiling expectantly at him.

Eren shudders.

"Ehm, what do I think about what?"

"What do you think is the answer to the problem?"

Eren looks at the blackboard for clues but Miss Hanji's handwriting is an absolute mess, sprawled all over the board with diagrams and small doodles mixed in.

"Could you be more specific? Please?"

Hanji smiles and she somehow manages to look less friendly doing so.

"Of course. We're talking about the problem from the book, the on that we were solving on the board. You know, that one."

Eren swallows and turns to see if someone is willing to help him out. Armin isn't in his class. Connie looks just as baffled as Eren. Jean is smirking (the bastard) and Marco is trying to convey a message to him through intricate hand gestures, but Eren can't understand what he's trying to tell him with that.

"Could the answer be sodium nitrate," he ventures.

Hanji seems to consider this answer.

"I mean, if you were trying to blow up a small town, sure. But that we're just trying to make yoghurt here. I'll give you half a point, though."

The class laughs and Eren sighs.

He would usually just let this pass, perhaps laugh along.

But somehow he finds himself getting angry.

Angry at those who laugh at him, at those who didn't try to help him. At him for being stupid and not paying attention and reckless, so reckless.

"Calm down there, tiger," Jean whispers from a desk behind him.

Eren realizes that he had been holding his pencil too hard. It is now broken into three different pieces.

This only makes him angrier.

By the end of the class he feels wrathful. He picks all his things up quickly and attempts to rush to the door.

He can see that Mikasa is already outside the classroom, waiting for him.

We need to talk, she mouths at him. He swallows and walks on.

Then a strong hand on his shoulder stops him. He's about to lash out at whoever dared to grab him but he turns to find Miss Hanji smiling ruefully at him.

"You think we can have a word, little man?" She says.

Eren turns to Mikasa and nods for her to go on without him. She leaves, her face as impassive as always, but a storm is hidden inside her and Eren can sense it.

"I'm sorry I wasn't paying attention, Miss Hanji," Eren tells his teacher as soon as the class is left empty.

Hanji shrugs and laughs.

"Honestly, I thought the whole paper airplane message system was rad. I like the fact that my students enjoy delving themselves in the magic of aero-engineering, but there is a time and place for everything."

Eren nods and sighs. He feels a bit calmer, but something hot and furious is still hiding inside his chest.

"But that's not the reason why I wanted to speak to you," Hanji says.

"It isn't?" Eren asks, taken aback.

Hanji effusively shakes her head.

"No, no, no. It's more about the... How do I put it?"

Hanji looks at the ceiling while snapping her fingers, as if searching for something.

"Ah, you know," she says, "that when the male donkey wants to attract the attention of a female companion he will kick her? Not only kick her but bite her and even pee on her. And that will seduce her. In fact, there are many other animals that use aggression as a courtship ritual, for example..."

"I'm sorry Miss Hanji, but I don't see what that has to do with... Well with anything really," Eren intercedes.

He knows for a fact that if he doesn't stop her she can speak for hours on end about mating rituals of mammals. And as much as he hates History class (or the idea of having to face Mikasa) he can't help but feel like those alternatives are somehow better than continuing with the current topic of conversation.

"My point is... What's my point again? Oh, right. My point is that, you know, as a teenager you're facing a lot of hormonal changes and..."

"Oh, God. Please Miss Hanji, I... Please don't."

"But why not! Hormones are fascinating things, the way in which they hold so much control over your response to certain situations..."

"Miss Hanji..."

Hanji laughs and puts her hands up in surrender.

"All right, all right. Look, what I'm saying here is, being a teenager kinda sucks. Even when you're about to finish school. I mean, you have just finished getting used to all these different ways of feeling and thinking and then they thrust this crucial decision in front of you. What are you going to do with your life? And then you still have to deal with everything that being a teenager entails, like mood swings or neo-liberal capitalism tactics or crushes..."

"Did you just say..."

"So my advice is... Calm down. I know that you feel like the world is ending at every situation you face, and who knows, maybe it is ending for you. Maybe a lot of things are ending. But there will be lots of things starting too. Things you may not have considered before. Things you never thought you would get a chance to do. Things that won't make sense until you've done them.

"So calm down. Don't lose that beautiful enthusiasm of yours, but don't let the anger that comes with it overpower you, understand? Just breathe in, keep your mind blank and then think about something. Whatever comes into your mind first. And focus on that. Unravel your problems one by one, and, without losing the call of your heart, start using your mind as well. I mean, not your literal heart cause you know all it does is pump blood and oxygen and stuff but you know, the 'heart' part of your brain. Gotcha?"

"That's a lot to take in," Eren says.

"Then take it slowly. Unravel, little by little. I know you're angry at yourself for some reason and I won't ask you to tell me, but don't isolate yourself, because you're not alone in this, all right?"

Eren nods.

"You know, Coach Levi told me something similar to this..."

Hanji smiles.

"I know, he told me to speak to you because he can't talk about 'feelings and shit'. You know, classic Lil' Levi."

"He also told me to break mailboxes if I got too sad or angry," he tells her.

Hanji seriously considers this for a second.

"That's not a bad idea actually. Just don't tell Erwin I said that."

Eren laughs.

"Is Mr. Smith the only one with a normal moral compass in this school?" Hanji waves her hand at this, dismissing the idea.

"Trust me, if there is someone with an abnormal moral compass that is Erwin Smith. But thank genetics and environmental conditioning for that, else he would be incredibly boring to be with."

Eren smiles.

"I should go to my next class now," he says and Hanji nods.

"Here, have a note, so that you don't get blamed because of me. What teacher do you have now?"

"Auruo Bossard," he answers.

Hanji cackles, clearly thrilled by this. She writes something rapidly on a piece of paper and gives it to Eren, folded in half.

"Here, don't open it or look inside. Just give it to Auruo. He'll understand."

Eren looks at the note with suspicion, but takes it anyway.

"All right. Thank you Miss Hanji for... Your advice," Eren says and Hanji salutes him like a soldier would.

"Aye, aye, Captain."

Eren grabs his backpack and walks towards the History class.

He gives Mr. Bossard the note from Miss Hanji when he asks why he is late for his class. When Mr. Bossard reads the note, he frowns deeply, then looks mildly afraid, then back to frowning. Eren hears him says something along the lines of 'God fucking dammit, Hanji," before lighting the paper up with his lighter and throwing it into the bin.

Eren shrugs and sits in the empty seat farthest away from Mikasa.

He attempts to avoid her, but he feels her eyes staring holes into his head all throughout the class.

*

*

*

Eren Jaeger is not a coward.

He climbed the tallest tree in his neighborhood when he was five. He skated down a ramp and attempted a lip trick for the twentieth time, even though his elbow was bruised and his knees were scraped and bleeding. He followed Jean's dare at a party and threw himself from the third floor of Historia's house into the pool below (although alcohol may have helped here).

Eren Jaeger is not a coward.

But he avoids Mikasa like the plague.

He avoids the girl who climbed the tree along with him, the girl who got the lip trick right on her third try but still stayed around to help Eren stand up every time he fell. The girl who threw herself into the pool, leather jacket and all, to get him out when 30 seconds had passed and he still wasn't coming back to the surface.

He hides from the girl who has always been there for him as his best friend because he doesn't know if he can be there for her as her best friend.

Because he doesn't feel like being her best friend anymore.

So maybe Eren Jaeger is a coward, because who else but a coward would hide during lunch break in the boys' bathroom to avoid Mikasa Ackerman?

A coward. Nothing less and nothing more.

*

*

*

"Eren Jaeger," she says her tone hard and furious in the calmest of ways possible.

Eren turns around to see Mikasa standing right in front of him.

"Yoh, you can't be here, bro. We're all half-naked!" Connie complains.

Mikasa surveys everyone around her. All of the guys are either shirtless or pant less, no one entirely naked.

"It's alright," she says.

"Bro, this is the boy's changing room, though!"

Mikasa shrugs showcasing just how many fucks she gives about the current situation.

Eren is shirtless himself and feels incredibly self-conscious about it.

"You've been avoiding me," she tells him.

Reiner laughs delighted at that.

"Someone messed up," He singsongs but turns serious at Mikasa's look. He continues dressing up as if a girl wasn't right there in front of him.

The other guys keep changing as well but all while looking at Mikasa warily.

"I've been sick. And busy," he tells her.

"You were sick?" He shrugs.

"Yeah, I was sick, alright? What's with all the interrogation lately? You're not my mum, Mikasa."

Mikasa tenses up at the comment.

"You are being such a dick, Eren," she says. She looks even angrier.

Eren is about to answer when he hears a squeak coming from behind him.

He turns to see a very naked Bertolt Hoover trying to hide his privates with his hands.

"Mi-mikasa why are you-mm here?" He stammers.

Reiner throws him a towel.

"Get yourself presentable, dude," he tells him and laughs.

Connie laughs too but stops when Reiner whispers "shut it" menacingly.

"You should probably go," Eren tells Mikasa.

For a fraction of a second, she looks at him surprised, hurt. Then her eyes go hard again and she nods, turning to leave.

She leaves in such a hurry that she accidentally steps on a wet towel and slips forward.

Eren is surprised by that. Mikasa never trips or falls, she's always amazingly graceful in all she does. He is so shocked that he doesn’t even react to try and stop her fall.

However, she doesn't hit the floor because she crushes right into Jean Kirschtein. A very shirtless Jean Kirschtein.

"You okay?" He asks her, visibly blushing at the contact. Mikasa looks up at him and half smiles.

"Yeah, thanks," she says, and walks out of the changing room.

Jean looks at Eren confused.

Eren just frowns at him and closes his locker. Hard.

He tries to push his anger back, but he doesn't know for how much longer he will be able to keep it down.

*

*

*

It turns out he can't keep it down for very long. All it takes is Jean smiling at Mikasa after she scores yet another goal and Eren is seeing red. His vision blurs and before he knows what he's doing, he tackles Jean, kicking his shins even when he doesn't even have the ball and they play for the same team.

Jean falls face first with a grunt and Levi blows his whistle.

When Jean sits down, blood is falling from his face freely.

"Calm down, Jaeger. It's just a fucking game," Jean grumbles, sounding oddly nasal due to the hand covering his bleeding nose.

Eren just looks at Jean blankly, like something doesn't fit entirely.

"At least say you're sorry you piece of..."

"Language, Kirschsten," Coach Levi intercedes, walking towards the source of mayhem. His eyes are focused on Eren.

Jean just rolls his eyes (careful as to not be seen by Coach Levi) and mutters "whatever," under his breath.

Eren seems as catatonic as he did before.

"Jaeger, you alright?"

"I'd say he is, considering I'm the one who is fucking bleeding," Jean says.

"Listen Kirschsten, if you don't fix that nasty-ass language of yours a suspension might be coming your way," Coach Levi says, sounding angry even when he delivers the remark in the same monotone he usually uses.

"Of course, yeah, so Jaeger gets to insult you all he wants and you tell him to go sit in the corner but then I try to complain about your fucking obvious favoritism and I get suspended. He kicked me on purpose, I didn't even have the ball he just kicked me because he is some uneducated Goddamn _savage_ who his parents were never around to raise properly and teach him some fucking manners."

"Kirschstein!" Levi shouts and this time Jean shuts up.

He turns to look at Eren, possibly expecting anger but honestly, Eren feels oddly drained. The anger bubbling at the pit of his stomach seems to be neutralized for the moment being.

Everyone is silent, expecting Levi's judgment. Coach Levi doesn't need to shout to seem absolutely threatening, even with his short height. So when he does shout, things get kind of terrifying.

Levi is about to speak, his facial features indicating fury at its maximum levels, when Mr. Smith puts a hand on his shoulder.

In a matter of seconds the Coach goes from 'I'm about to kill a bitch' to a strange, resigned calmness.

He breathes out and takes a step back, as if giving him the spotlight.

Eren finds the whole situation very strange.

"Eren and Jean," Mr. Smith says, "you too are on par when it comes to athletic skills. You have similar builds and play in complementary positions. If you actually gave this whole 'team work' thing a change, you two would be amazing. I don't understand why you can't see that."

Eren looks at Jean who is staring at the ground, looking very embarrassed.

"I think you two should get out of the field and perhaps talk about what exactly is going on with this little rivalry, alright?"

Eren nods and sighs. At this rate, he will only have played one football match in the whole week.

Jean stands up and starts to walk away without a word.

Eren follows him, trying to avoid eye contact with all his teammates, feeling ashamed.

However, when he turns around for a second, he gazes right at Mikasa who is staring right back.

His heart clenches almost painfully, but he still attempts to smile at her.

He tries to say 'I'm sorry' without words.

Comprehension seems to flash on her face for a second, but then she turns around and gets back to match.

Eren's heart still pains him.

********************************

"This is stupid," Jean says. He and Eren are sitting on the same spot that Eren had sat with Mikasa only three days ago.

The fact that so many things have changed in so little time scares him.

"I agree with you, on that at least," Eren says, and looks at the flowerbed in front of him.

He doesn't know much about flowers. Mikasa would probably tell him not only what type they are, but also how to grow them and how to make then look pretty in a bouquet.

Mikasa's parents didn't want her to lose her culture when they adopted her. They sent her to Japanese classes and tea ceremonies and Japanese poetry teachings. In the end, she took a liking to Ikebana which as she explained to Eren is 'the art of conveying something through beautiful flower arrangements'.

At first Eren was doubtful of her skills. At that time, he considered her one of the boys because, unlike Historia, she would play in the mud even if she got her dress dirty by doing so. And she was always so skillful at any sport she tried; Eren just couldn't understand why flower arrangements were of her liking and how they connected with her personality.

(He will never admit it but the first time he saw one of Mikasa's arrangements, the first time she smiled at him as she gifted it to him as a birthday present, he thinks he fell a little in love with her. That maybe it all started there and much like an avalanche it has grown and overtaken everything. Just maybe.)

"She's in love with you, you know?"

Eren looks at Jean, suddenly distracted from his thoughts.

"What?"

Jean scoffs.

"Mikasa Ackerman is in love with you. You dumbass," Jean says, as if he was stating the most obvious fact in the world.

"No she isn't," Eren says, feeling slightly angered at the thought (and slightly nervous and slightly hopeful).

"Are you fucking blind? She's crazy for you. Everyone knows it. It's always been you three, Eren, Mikasa and Armin all throughout primary but lately it's all been Mikasa and Eren who play in complementary positions in the football field and have every class together and walk back home together because Armin had to stay to do homework or for extra credit. Eren and Mikasa who communicate by looking at each other, who go jogging together every Sunday morning and are always fiercely protective of each other. Eren and Mikasa who sometimes people think are siblings even though they look nothing alike, just because they are so close. Eren and Mikasa this and Eren and Mikasa that. You seriously can't see it?"

Eren is about to complain but then he thinks about Armin for a second. About how he has two best friends but he has always loved them differently.

He wonders if Armin ever felt left out.

"I don't think you can be so thick that you haven't figured this out yet but in case you haven't, you're in love with her too," Jean says.

Eren suddenly feels much panicked.

"What? I mean, what the fuck would you know. I mean, how can you say that?! That's disgust... That is not okay. That is wrong. I mean she's my best friend how can you... how could anyone even..? Maybe you're in love with her, huh? Maybe you're saying that just to throw me off isn't that right? Well, Kirschstein, reverse psychology doesn't work on me so suck it," Eren tells him, stumbling with his words in every sentence.

Jean looks amused.

"Amazing," he says.

"Fuck off, I mean, why do you even care if I, you know, with Mikasa?"

Jean shrugs.

"I don't. I mean, she's very pretty and like, seriously so cool. I would love to go out with her or make out with her or even..."

"I warn you to think twice about your choice of words, Kirschstein," Eren tells him flatly. Jean has the audacity to laugh.

"Look, I do like her, but I'm not in love with... Her. I, you know, I'm... I mean whatever," Jean says and suddenly blushes.

Eren looks up at the sky for a second.

"Do you really think she's in love with me?" Eren asks Jean. His voice sounds softer and more fragile than he intended it to sound.

Jean nods slowly.

"One hundred percent sure that Mikasa Ackerman has literally the shittiest taste in dudes I've ever encountered," he says. Eren laughs and so does Jean. He can't quite understand the concept of him sharing a laugh with Jean fucking Kirschstein but it doesn't feel terrible so he's fine with it.

"Jean!"

Eren and Jean both turn to see Marco trotting towards them, a bag of ice in his left hand. When he reaches them, he kneels down next to them.

"For your nose," Marco says smiling and carefully places the ice container on Jean's face. Jean smiles back but grabs the container from Marco's hand.

"Thanks," he says, and he puts it on his face himself. Marco looks a bit disappointed at this.

"Hi, Eren. Are you guys getting along better?"

Jean hums a seemingly positive response and Eren grunts while nodding.

As much as he hates to admit it, Jean isn't such an awful guy.

"Sorry about the nose," Eren says.

"S'okay. Sorry about what I said. The stuff about your parents and all... That was low," Jean tells him.

Eren hums in acknowledgement.

"Do you really think I'm Levi's favorite?" He asks excitedly.

Jean shakes his head.

"Nah. I mean, he may have a sort of soft spot for you. As soft as anything that has to do with Coach Levi can be. But Mikasa is his fave, no doubt."

"No way! Coach is always correcting everything she does and making her do the hardest training regiments," Eren complains.

"Yeah, moron, that's how you know she's the fave. She's team captain after all," Jean says.

"Although," Marco intercedes still smiling brightly, "there might be some nepotism at work, did you know that Levi's last name is also Ackerman? I mean, he said they aren't really related, just a common last name. But still, interesting coincides right?"

"Holy shit, Levi's last name is Ackerman, that's crazy," Jean says.

"I can't believe that Levi has a last name," Eren says.

Jean and Marco stare at him strangely.

"Eren, everyone has a last name," Marco tells him.

"Yeah, what the fuck Jaeger, " Jean says.

"What? I thought he was like, a one-name kind of person. Like Madonna or the Queen of England, hell, even Ymir," Eren argues.

“You think the Queen doesn’t have a last name?” Marco asks.

"Ymir has a last name too, you fuckhead," Jean informs him.

"Yeah, but cause it's Nordic and super complicated to pronounce we all just call her Ymir," Marco states and laughs, "I can't believe you thought that they didn't have last names, dude."

Jean laughs along and Eren rolls his eyes at them and tries to look offended.

Ten minutes of aimless chattering later, the three of them decide to go back to the field.

Coach Levi doesn't look happy to see them, but Mr. Smith sees them cracking jokes with one another and says that they can play. His word is pretty much law.

Eren goes back into the field with a grin on his face.

When Mikasa looks at him, his smiles widens involuntarily. Mikasa tenses up for a second. Mistrustful.

But she smiles back.

And then nothing else matters.

*

*

*

When the match is finished and everyone is heading home, Mikasa walks towards Eren with Armin and Annie in tow.

“You’re coming home with us?” Armin asks him, holding hands with Annie.

Eren still has trouble getting used to that.

“You guys go ahead. I’ll meet you later,” he tells them. Mikasa eyes him carefully.

“What do you mean by later?” she asks. Eren smiles at her.

“You’ll see,” he says. Mikasa seems to be about to argue when Annie intercedes.

“You have a secret Jaeger? I can respect that. See you later,” she says, and nods to Mikasa. She nods back and they all walk away.

He watches as Mikasa and Annie seemingly argue about something before they both start running as quickly as they can towards their bikes. Armin laughs and follows behind.

Eren has trouble getting used to that too.

But now it isn’t time for reflection. It’s time for action. And that’s what Eren does best.

Taking a deep breath, he approaches Coach Levi.

Levi and Mr. Smith are chatting calmly next to the stands. When Levi catches Eren's eye, he signals Mr. Smith to walk away, with a simple nod.

Mr. Smith turns to watch Eren and nods back in understanding.

"I'm glad you and Jean are friends now," Erwin tells him, placing a hand on his shoulder. His gestures and his features are all so patriarchal that Eren kind of wants to call him “Dad”. He does not dwell on how sad that idea is.

He chooses to just nod, and Mr. Smith smiles back at him. He walks away afterwards, leaving Eren alone with Levi.

"Coach, can I ask for a favor?” Eren asks. Levi scrutinizes him with his eyes.

“You getting cocky just because Kirschstein said you’re my favorite? Cause you aren’t.”

Eren nods mournfully.

“I know. Mikasa is your favorite. That’s okay. I get it. But this favor involves her too, so you could do it for your star player, right?”

Levi raises and eyebrow and sighs.

“What is it brat?”

“Well, I was thinking about what you told me the other day and… you know how the team has a baseball team? With baseball equipment?”

“Jaeger…”

“I swear we’re not doing anything illegal. I think. And it’ll really help some stupid teenagers figure stuff out and become a little bit less stupid in the process. So in a way it’s kind of good for you too,” Eren tells Coach Levi, and attempts to give him the “puppy eyes” look that his mom is always swooning for.

It’s not very effective, this time. Coach Levi doesn’t seem amused.

“Listen Jaeger,” Levi says after staring down (really, staring up) at Eren for what seems like an eternity, “I might just accidentally forget to lock the warehouse were we keep the sport equipment. So the baseball bats may just get stolen, but none of it will be blamed on me, because they will be returned the next day at 3pm. Understood?”

Eren smiles.

“Thank you, Coach. You’re the best.”

Levi shrugs and tosses him the keys.

“Whatever kid. Just break something in my honor. Oh, and if Erwin ever fucking finds out I’ll skin you alive. I know how to take 70% of your skin while you’re still breathing. The pain is unimaginable. Have fun.”

And with that, Coach Levi walks away towards the school’s entrance, where Mr. Smith seems to be patiently waiting for him while playing on his IPhone.

Eren stays alone in the middle of the deserted football field for a second, considering if he really is doing the right thing. Before he can regret it, he takes his phone out of his bag and looks through his contacts for “Mr. Long Dong” and hits the call button.

This, Eren thinks, is a job that requires more than just one man.

*

*

*

“What the fuck,” Jean says as a way of greeting when he sees Eren standing at his threshold.

“Nice to see you too,” Eren replies. He’s wearing a black hoodie and a thick layer of black eyeliner below his eyes. Jean thinks he looks like some sort of rabid, angry raccoon.

“How do you even know where I live?” Jean asks, keeping the door mostly closed, just in case. He doesn’t think that Eren is a mega huge dick as he used to anymore. But that doesn’t mean that they are best friends all of a sudden.

“Marco told me,” Eren says, and points towards a burgundy pick-up truck that is parked in front of his house. From the back of the pick-up truck, Marco’s head pops up and he waves at Jean.

“Have you kidnapped him?” Jean asks, still distrustful. Eren just rolls his eyes, not looking amused.

“We’re going to do some stuff. You coming or not?” Eren says visibly exasperated, and then turns to walk back to the pick-up truck. Jean stares questioningly at the vehicle, mutters a curse and finally sighs.

“Mum, I’m going out; I’ll be back in a couple of hours.”

Jean doesn’t wait for an answer or for his mum to ask what the hell he thinks he’s doing going out on a Thursday night at 9 PM. He’ll deal with that later.

Jean watches as Eren smoothly lifts his body and falls inside the back of the pick-up. He hears laughter and walks towards it.

“Get in loser, we’re going shopping!” Connie says from the passenger side. Jean can see Sasha on the driver’s side.

“I understood that reference,” Sasha exclaims.

“I didn’t,” Eren comments from the back of the truck. More laughter.

Jean can’t see anyone on the back, probably because they are all lying down. He sighs again, and climbs into the back as well.

He hits something. Possibly an elbow, with his stomach.

“Sorry,” he hears Marco comment from below him. Jean has fallen on top of his best friend, and something about this closeness is extremely uncomfortable. He moves quickly away and looks at the teenagers lying down beside him.

Armin and Annie are almost one on top of the other and whoa, when did that happen? Marco is there in front of him, smiling at him. And next to them, Mikasa and Eren. Jean raises and eyebrow at the sight of them. Mikasa’s head is on top of Eren’s chest, and he has one hand comfortably positioned on Mikasa’s waist. It looks friendly, but also extremely intimate.

Eren sees his expression and frowns.

“We’re making space for you, come on dickhead,” he says, sounding impatient. Jean smirks and positions himself between Marco and Mikasa.

But something beneath his butt makes the position uncomfortable. Jean rolls his hips and pushes the object away from him. A baseball bat rolls away from him and collides with a clink against other objects. Jean pushes himself up on his arms to find at least twenty metal baseball bats in the back of the pick-up truck, pushed neatly against one side.

“What the fuck is up with the baseball bats?” He asks, just as Sasha starts the car.

“It’s a surprise,” Eren says, looking extremely at ease in his current position.

“You people do know that this is how most horror movies start, right?”

“If this was a horror movie, you’d probably be the first to die…,” Mikasa tells him sounding oddly calmed about the whole affair. The others laugh but Jean can’t see what’s so funny.

“Oh, lighten up,” Sasha tells him, as she drives away from his house, “I mean who doesn’t like surprises?”

“Wait, so you guys have no idea what is going on either?” Jean asks more than slightly concerned.

The unison “no” that he receives is no consolation. Nor is Eren’s smug look.

“Do we even know where we’re going at least?”

“Of course, bro. Chill. We’re just heading towards the dump,” Connie says.

Jean just hits his head against the truck.

“We’re all going to fucking die,” he murmurs as Sasha speeds up and away from civilization.

*

*

*

The dump may not be the prettiest, most romantic spot that Eren knows. But it will serve its purpose.

As soon as they arrive, Eren tells everyone to grab a bat. Sasha and Connie look way to happy about the situation and grab two bats each. Armin and Marco show more normal levels of enthusiasm, while Jean looks outrageously preoccupied. Annie grabs a bat nonchalantly and starts twirling it around, making it turns in her hands from behind her back and back to the front. Eren kind of wonders if she has done this before.

Mikasa looks at Eren before grabbing a bat. Expecting something.

She has been expecting something for a while now, but Eren doesn’t think he is ready to give it to her. Not just yet.

He will, however, make amends. The purpose of this is to destroy everything that has cause this awkward friction between him and Mikasa. Before he can ask for more, he needs to learn how to be a friend again.

They have to learn to speak in the same language, or else they might lose each other for good.

“So,” Mikasa says her tone monotone and betraying nothing, “you act weird and don’t speak to me truthfully for a week. You avoid me and act like I’m a nuisance, you snap at me and act passive-aggressive towards me out of the blue. And then you text me at 8:30 PM to change into black clothes and put on an almost violent amount of eyeliner so that Sasha can drive us and a some baseball bats, that God only knows how you got, to the dump with no explanation whatsoever. So I’ll ask you one thing and one thing only: What gives?”

Eren has the decency to look ashamed.

“I’m sorry, I know I’ve been a dick. I won’t excuse my behavior, but I was trying to solve some shit. Which I have solved. Almost. This is like, the last step, basically. It’s like anger management, maybe. Coach Levi told me this was something that you could do when you were feeling slightly… sad. Or angry. Or just out of it, you know? So, give me a chance to correct this, please?”

Mikasa takes her time to answer, staring openly at Eren with a raised eyebrow. After a couple of seconds, she rolls her eyes and smiles softly.

“You’re an idiot,” she tells him. Eren nods in agreement.

“But you’re my favorite idiot, I’ll give you that.”

“I’ll take that as a compliment, “ Eren says, grinning widely. Mikasa laughs.

“I don’t know if you should,” she says, but the softness in her voice shows she’s just kidding.

A comfortable silence settles down between them, and Eren decides to be bold in the things that actually matter for a change, and so he takes his time to look.

Look at Mikasa with her dark hair and darker eyes, with her cheeks and celestial nose colored by the cold winds. He takes in every detail his eyes can assimilate, the arch of her eyebrows, the roundness of her cupid bow and her slightly parted lips the color of flower petals and bubblegum. He sees the smudges underneath her eyes, the black eyeliner viciously painted accentuating the shape of her eyes, making her seem dangerous and fierce, elegant even in the messiness of its strokes.

He looks into her eyes and he sees Mikasa staring right back at him, black abysses absorbing all that Eren is and will ever be.

He wonders, briefly, if he can drown himself in all that consuming depth. If he can trace his way back home with his fingertips if he follows the curve of Mikasa’s proud jawline and her collar bones.

He wonders if he really does love him as much as he loves her.

“I’m sorry to interrupt your trip to catatonic Wonderland, but the whole crew here wants to know just why the fuck we’re here?” Jean says, making Eren reconsider whether he really isn’t an asshole after all.

Mikasa smiles, almost shyly, and turns her face to look away from him.

Eren thinks that she’s blushing, but he can’t really tell.

“Before we start,” Eren says, training his eyes towards Jean, “you need to put on the mandatory eyeliner.”

Jean makes a face that makes him look incredibly even more horse-like.

“I’m not putting on make-up, I’m not a chick,” Jean replies.

Connie, who has gone way overboard with the eyeliner and looks like he’s wearing the Zorro’s mask, laughs at the comment.

“What, you think wearing eyeliner is girly bro? Man up, we’re looking badass here,” he says and Sasha nods several times.

“Yoh, guys in guy-liner look damn hot, too,” she says and Connie’s smile visibly falters before he blushes deeply. Sasha seems to take no notice of this.

“I don’t fucking care,” Jean argues “a guy wearing make-up, it’s just so…”

“Gay?” Marco says and Jean’s whole body tenses. Something in the tone in which Marco says it makes everyone stop laughing. He looks dead serious but he sounds slightly hurt.

As dense as Eren can be, he can read the mood and understand that something isn’t completely okay with those too.

“Fine,” he says, before things turn for the worse, “no make-up for Jean because he’s a fucking bore.”

Jean’s posture eases up slightly, but the mood is still not quite as comfortable.

“It’s for the best. I brought normal eyeliner and horses can only use hypoallergenic,” Mikasa adds in the usual dead-panned tone she saves for telling jokes and everyone laughs.

Eren is thankful for Mikasa for the twentieth time that day.

“What’s the plan, captain?” Armin asks, clutching the baseball bat like a rifle and pointing at Eren.

“It’s pretty simple, really,” Eren says, and grabs a baseball bat.

He feels the weight of it, positions his hand just so to ensure that his grip is tight and right. Then, calmly walking around, he finds his target. An old television set, its screen cracked right in the middle.

With a head nod towards the object, he calls for the attention of the others.

“The plan,” he says, “is to _fuck_ _shit up_!” And he swings the bat down, crushing the TV screen and sending thousands of tiny glass shards flying through the air. He turns to find another target, a car so rusted and old that flowers are growing inside of it. With a swing of his bat, he tears off the whole roof.

“Holy shit!” Jean exclaims, and Eren can’t tell whether he sounds excited or fearful.

"I'm going to exterminate all these trash!!!" Eren shouts.

"Oh, shit, Eren don't do that," Armin says but Annie puts a hand on his shoulder.

"Let him break it," she says, and she swings her bat right into a wooden desk that stands wobbling in three legs. The thing is shattered into several pieces.

“Fuck yeah!” Sasha screams, and proceeds to hit a pile of random trash. Connie follows suit.

Armin shrugs and proceeds to smash the car that Eren is smashing, with Mikasa joining them as well. Eren pauses to look at her, and the brightness in her eyes makes him want to set everything on fire for a second.

Marco daringly climbs to the top of a mountain of discarded, ancient technologic objects to beat up an old fridge and topple it down.

“What the hell,” Jean mutters and then screams before proceeding to attack a toaster that Sasha skillfully throws towards him. The toaster flies meters away and Connie shouts “Homerun!”

Jean laughs and proceeds to hit a computer monitor.

Eren stares at the scene unfolding before him. At all the savages he has created.

He can’t help but feel very proud of his accomplishments.

The destruction continues for about an hour. Blisters are forming on Eren’s hand, making it hard to grip the bat. Mikasa’s hands are bleeding and staining the grip of her own bat. Everyone is tired by that point, muscles aching and force faltering.

The last act of violence is performed by Mikasa Ackerman and it is absolutely glorious.

Most of them have given up by that point. Connie and Sasha are breathing hard, lying on the back of Sasha’s pick-up truck. Jean is laughing so hard his eyes are watering while he feebly attempts to hit the objects that Marco is throwing at him. Armin watches as Annie juggles with her baseball but, throwing it skywards and then catching it behind her back, twirling it with on hand like a fire-dancer without any fire involved.

Eren has a feeling that if Annie could have it her way, there would be fire.

Mikasa and he are the only one delivering any real measure of violence. They are at the moment trying to break as many plastic chairs as they can with just one hit. It’s Mikasa’s turn to take a hit, when the bat slips from her grasp. Her swing lacks force and thus nothing brakes.

Eren looks at her, at her long-fingered, calloused hands that are now bleeding freely. Mikasa is almost panting for air, and she looks immensely frustrated.

Then she screams. Loudly. Everyone stops what they are doing to look at her.

Mikasa grabs her bat with one hand and, in a swift motion, she throws it. The bat sails through the air, making a clean arch towards a nearby streetlight.

While Mikasa’s hands are still in the air, Eren realizes that Sasha and Connie have turned on the radio and music is playing loudly. He can’t tell the name of the song but he recognizes the melody.  And it sounds like the following scene should sound.

The glass surrounding the streetlight bursts into a thousand shimmering shards. Eren shouts along with Mikasa, but he can’t tell what exactly they shout.

Then Mikasa turns towards him. It’s like she’s moving in slow motion, as she takes Eren’s hand and pulls him towards her.

The lyrics push against Eren’s brain as Mikasa smiles.

" _We're all young and naive still_

_We require certain skill_

_The motive changes like the wind_

_Hard to control when it begins_ "

Mikasa starts dancing in between the electric fragments that fall from the sky. It’s a silly dance, a waving of hands in the air while she sways, but something about it looks graceful and impermanent. Her spine is straight as her fingertips seemingly crack the sky. The glittering shards pour from high above. She laughs, her head thrown forward in pure jubilee. Her eyes and hair are filled with flying sparks. The stars get caught on her, somehow, Eren thinks. They shimmer on her black clothes as she sways.

Eren traces her profile, his hands clenching as he tries to grasp the baseball bat. Everything is blurry and tastes like thunder, somehow. Like metal and ozone.

The scene comes to an abrupt end as the glass shards stop falling and Mikasa stops moving.

The only sound heard is the melody of the radio, but to Eren it seems to be a distant rumble. He wishes he had a camera to remember seeing Mikasa like that. So that others could remember it too.

He wishes for many things, really.

“What the fuck do you fuckers think you’re doing?!” Someone shouts from not very far away, bringing Eren back to reality.

“Shit,” Jean exclaims, “everyone in the fucking car!”

Nobody questions his command. They all run into the pick-up truck while Sasha tries to start it up.

“Come back here!” A short, fat man shouts a few meters away from them.

“Start it the fuck up, Sash,” Connie screams, desperately grabbing his closely-cropped head.

“I am! Fuck it, I am!” Sasha screams back, and her desperate cries are drowned by the sound of the engine.

They all sigh in relief as the pick-up truck drives quickly away from the dump. All of them are silent, still tense after the whole affair.

“Can I just say,” Marco says, stealing the silence away, “Mikasa that was fucking amazing.”

And perhaps it’s the calmness that is settling down, or the fact that renowned sweetheart Marco Bodt just used a goddamn profanity, but the whole things seems suddenly very funny to Eren.

He starts laughing, and soon everyone else joins, even Mikasa and Annie.

“You were right Eren,” Jean says grinning at him, “that was a fucking experience.”

*

*

*

Sasha drives them all home, leaving Eren, Mikasa and Armin last.

“We should have a sleep-over,” Eren says, excitement still singing in his veins.

“Calm down, buddy-o. That’s what we’re doing on Saturday,” Sasha tells him, and Eren realizes that if Sasha is telling him that he’s too excited then he is most definitely too excited.

“I can stay over if you want, I’m not really that sleepy,” Armin says and Eren nods, grinning widely.

He caresses Mikasa’s hair softly.

“What about you?” he whispers. Mikasa’s head is still lying on his chest, even when there is plenty of space for her not to do so.

Eren is really, really happy about this.

“My parents are going to kill me,” she tells him.

Eren nods and removes some pieces of glass from her leather jacket. To think that mere moments before he had thought they were stars caught in the fabric of Mikasa Ackerman…

“Here is your stop, bro,” Connie announces.

“Thank you for tonight,” she tells him, and kisses him on the cheek. Or at least attempts to kiss him on the cheek. Eren moves his head lightly and her lips land on the edge of Eren’s mouth.

“Yeah,” Eren says, not too eloquently. Mikasa smiles softly back at him.

“Dude…” Armin says, and Eren turns to find him standing by the door of his house carrying several baseball bats. He can’t even remember him getting out of the truck.

“Alright then,” he says and jumps off the truck. Mikasa helps him carry the rest of the bats into his house.

“Goodnight,” he says to her once Armin and the bats are all safely inside.

“Bye,” Mikasa whispers back.

Sasha and Connie wave goodbye as the truck moves away towards Mikasa’s house.

Eren opens the door of his house and heads straight towards the kitchen where Armin is already exploring the contents of his fridge. Considering his parents are out of town, Eren doubts he will find much of anything.

“Sorry that I cock-blocked you, man,” Armin says, as he pours himself a glass of iced tea. Eren thinks that that thing is wretched, but always keeps a bottle for Armin.

Eren thinks that that tells a lot about their relationship, really.

“What do you mean?” he asks.

“I mean you and Mikasa. You know, you two having a moment and all that,” Armin says, and he opens a bag of Doritos while heading towards the TV room.

“Oh,” Eren says, “so you know…”

Armin turns to stare at him like he just said the stupidest thing in the world.

“Eren, everyone knows,” he informs him.

Eren can’t help but feel slightly ignorant.

“Oh, that obvious, huh?”

Armin turns on the TV and switches channels while he speaks to Eren.

“I mean, was it obvious that Mikasa was in love with you since forever? Yeah. Was it obvious that you were in love with Mikasa since before forever? Hell yeah. Was it obvious that the two of you would get your shit together and confess? Not really…”

Eren sits next to Armin and drinks a gulp from his glass of apple juice.

“That shit is vile,” Armin says, pointing at his glass of juice. Eren just rolls his eyes at Armin’s obvious lack of good taste.

“I haven’t confessed yet, though,” Eren says.

“I know, but you’ve figured out what you feel for her and what she feels for you. Mikasa has known for a while, she was just waiting for you to see it. And now that you have, well, there’s really no need to confess. Although you most definitely should. She deserves that, you know?”

“I will,” Eren says, “I just need to be drunker, that’s all.”

Armin laughs and stops changing channels when he spots Disney Channel.

“If you guys knew, about what I felt and what Mikasa felt, why did you never tell me?” Eren asks Armin. Armin shrugs.

“Really, I don’t think you would have believed it. I actually tried to talk about it to Mikasa once, a couple of years ago, but she denied everything. I don’t think she knew it back then. And you are kind of dense, but I had hopes you would figure it out on you own. I think otherwise you would have panicked. Plus, love is something you have to figure out on your own, I believe,” Armin says. Eren nods and steals a couple of Doritos from Armin.

“So… are you okay with that? Aren’t you jealous?”

Armin scoffs.

“Eren, you and Mikasa are my best friends. I’ve never felt like I was third-wheeling, because what you and Mikasa share is different. We all complement one another, but Mikasa and you just, I don’t want to sound extremely cheesy, but you enhance one another. You make each other better. You communicate almost telepathically. You not only love her, you’re also in love with her. And that’s fine, cause I know that what I have with Mikasa is also special and that what I have with you is special. Just different kinds of special.”

Eren nods again.

“So, yeah, that mean you’re okay with it right?”

Armin rolls his eyes.

“Man, I really do pity Mikasa…”

“Shut it,” Eren says, and chucks a pillow towards Armin. Armin just laughs and chucks it back.

“So, what about Annie? How far you two have gone, huh?”

“What does that have to do with anything?” Armin asks, turning bright red.

“Whoa, have you hit a homerun already?”

“WE’VE DATED FOR LIKE THREE DAY, YOU SATYROMANIAC!”

“I don’t know man, some couples move faster than others. I’m not a satyr, or whatever, bro.”

“Do you even know what that means?”

“Sure, it means something I’m not. So, third base, first base?”

Armin sighs and shakes his head.

“Second base,” he states.

“Second base?! Wait, was that one feeling her up or fingering?”

“I am not dignifying that with a response…”

Eren shake his head in distaste.

“If you keep this up I’m not telling you anything about me and Mikasa when we get together,” Eren says.

“What makes you think I want to know?!”

Eren laughs and Armin joins him.

Their laughter is interrupted by a sound that Eren can only describe as an African warrior chant.

“Oh, hell yeah, the Lion King,” Armin exclaims.

“The what?”

Armin turns to look at him in shock.

“Eren, I know that you’re really not in touch with pop culture. But seriously. The Lion King bro.”

Eren just shakes his head slowly.

“Alright then, now we have something to stay awake for,” Armin says sounding far too enthusiastic, “oh, and get ready. You’re most probably going to cry like a baby. It’ll be awesome.”

Eren doubts that he’ll cry, but decides to give the movie a try just to amuse Armin.

Really, he’s almost 18. Like he would cry because of animated lions.

*

*

*

Eren does cry. He cries a lot.

*

*

*

_“Shit,” you murmur to yourself._

_Shit shit shit shit, the birds above your head squawk. Their wings flatter rapidly, desperately._

_You run faster with the heaviest of weights, the most important of loads on your back._

_You feel like that ancient god, the one that held the world so heavy that he was bent on his knees. Armin showed you illustrations of him, face in pain and clothes tattered._

_He looked miserable._

_“Armin,” you say, because you’re feeling him slip away into unconsciousness again and you cannot allow that to happen. Not now._

_“Armin, what was the name of that old god? The one with the world crushing his spine?”_

_Armin laughs weakly, you run faster._

_“He wasn’t a god, Eren. He was a titan,” he tells you, and then shrieks in pain._

_“Armin,” Mikasa says, a few steps in front of you, “Armin, are you in too much pain? Do you need to rest?”_

_“Fuck that, Mikasa. We can’t afford to rest. We have to run!”_

_The ground vibrates and the leaves on the trees rustle. You trace the escape of the birds with your eyes, attempting to go faster._

_The titans are near. They haven’t gotten to you yet, but they most definitely will. Their strides meters long, their pace is slow but constant._

_You can barely keep up with Mikasa’s trot while carrying Armin on your back._

_“Eren,” Armin whispers in your ear, sounding out of breath, “Eren you have to drop me. Please, just drop me. I can’t even walk, there’s no reason why you should…”_

_“Shut the fuck up! Just shut up, okay?!” you tell him, sounding desperate and angry._

_You can’t lose him. Not when you just found him again._

_“We have to go faster,” Mikasa says. She’s looking back at the menacing figures looming behind you._

_“How close are they?” you ask her, but she shakes her head clearly dismayed._

_“How close?!” you shout again. Your shoulders hurt and your legs are killing you, but stopping is a death sentence._

_“Close enough,” she says, and then sticks one of her blades against the bark of a tree. She sticks the other one much higher, and proceeds to use them to climb to the closest brunch. With both blades in hand, she continues to climb._

_“What the fuck are you doing?!” you shout, but she pays no attention to your complaints._

_“Keep running. I’ll try to stop them,” she answers quietly, climbing higher and higher. She gracefully jumps onto the next tree and crouches into an attack position, like she’s about to strike._

_You stop on your tracks. The earth is shaking._

_Desperately, you seek for a place to hide. You need shelter for Armin and then you can help Mikasa. You just need to keep them both safe._

_“Eren!” Mikasa screams from above._

_“I’m going to hide Armin. I’m going to help you deal with this,” you tell her._

_This is all your fault._

_You wanted this. They followed you. You led them to their demise._

_No. They are alive still. You need to make sure that they remain this way._

_You see a tree hollowed at its base and run towards it. You hide Armin inside there, and attempt to cover him with fallen leaves and brunches._

_He is barely conscious by now, moaning quietly in pain._

_“I’ll be back,” you tell him, “I have to help Mikasa.”_

_“I know,” he says, eyes closed and face scrunched up in agony, “You have to save each other. You always did.”_

_You don’t know what he means by that, but you can see three-meter titan near the tree where Mikasa is poised and you have no time to ask. Putting a bunch of leaves on top of Armin’s face, you turn to run towards her._

_Mikasa swoops from above like thunder, landing on the titan’s shoulder. With a swift turn, she cuts off the titan’s neck. Vapor comes out of the creature as it falls to the ground. Its corpse quickly evaporates, leaving only bones which will too disappear._

_Mikasa looks at you grimly, but nods._

_“Up on the tree, I saw them. About three of them. Two 7-meters and a deviant,” she tells you as she proceeds to climb back._

_You only have one blade at your disposal, but you too manage to climb up by using a smaller tree._

_About five hundred meters away, you can see the titans coming your way. The deviant is a bit smaller than the other two, but he moves quickly._

_“I’ll go against the two 7-meters. You deal with the deviant,” she says, and you grunt in acknowledgement._

_The deviant reaches you first. It must be smart, because it quickly turns to the tree where both Mikasa and you are hiding. The creature emits a low, guttural noise and soon the other two join it._

_One of the 7-metres attempts to hit you, but Mikasa plunges herself down and smoothly lands on the shoulders of the giant._

_The other7-metre attempts to make a grab for her, so she twirls onto the other’s shoulder. Swiftly, she cuts off the nape of the 7-metre, and before the creature collapses, she jumps back on the branch of the tree._

_The deviant watches you, its eyes far too curious and intelligent to be that of an average titan. The creature starts shaking the tree, attempting to topple you down._

_Mikasa jumps onto the other 7-metre and you jump down towards the deviant. But the thing is smarter than you think, and when it realizes what you’re going to do, it quickly falls to the ground on its back. You land on the titan’s malformed, spongy stomach and roll to the side. The creature stands up again, and now you watch from the ground as it once again gains the advantage of a taller height._

_Mikasa is busy attempting to cut down the 7-metre who is spinning around to try and get Mikasa off his back. Without the gear, Mikasa can’t achieve the balance she needs to make a deep enough cut._

_The deviant moves towards you, quickly attempting to catch you._

_You move away just in time._

_The titan seems to be ready to pounce again, but its demeanor changes at the last moment. With a grunt, the creatures turn towards the tree where you’ve hastily hidden Armin._

_Your blood freezes._

_“No!” you shout, and attempt to run after the creature. But the thing is quicker and soon enough it is digging Armin from the pile of leaves, holding him carelessly in one hand._

_Armin, with his fractured spine, is being held like a ragged doll._

_Your vision blurs with anger at the sight of that. You raise your hand towards your face, enraged._

_You hear Mikasa shout for you to stop. But you don’t listen. With a harsh bite, you tear off skin and blood and allow yourself to transform._

_Your body shifts and grows._

_And then you are no longer yourself._

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My updates are so slow :( But the thing is almost all written so don't worry. Also, I've been busy writing come sequels but from other character's persepctives, but yeah first I'm getting this done


	5. To steal a kiss is to steal a heart (Friday)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ft. a bunch of kiddos from another anime with no real purpose in here and only because I was challenged to add them. see if you can spot them

 

“Take me out tonight

Where there's music and there's people

And they're young and alive

Driving in your car

I never never want to go home

Because I haven't got one

Anymore

Take me out tonight

Because I want to see people and I

Want to see life

Driving in your car

Oh, please don't drop me home

Because it's not my home, it's their

Home, and I'm welcome no more”

-There Is A Light That Never Goes Out by The Smiths

 

"Wake up, Eren," Armin sings softly before proceeding to pummel Eren with a large, green pillow.

Eren wakes up after the third hit.

"What. The fuck," he says, putting a hand up to protect himself from the attack.

"We're gonna be late for school, sucker," Armin says, looking far too cheerful for 7 AM. Eren just grunts and rolls over.

He hears Armin sigh right before he feels the impact of another pillow attack.

"Dude, no," he says, feebly attempting to grab Armin's arm.

"Dude, yes," Armin counters, and with a smooth kick, he throws Eren off the bed.

"Long live the king," Armin crows victoriously.

Eren disentangles himself from the bed covers and smiles triumphantly.

"I understood that reference," he says.

Armin just face palms himself and laughs.

*

*

*

Breakfast consists of chocolate-covered, cream-filled donuts and cappuccinos with caramel sauce and whipped cream. Mikasa would be rightfully appalled.

They feel lazy enough to decide that driving to school is a much wiser idea than going on bikes or walking.

Plus, they do have to carry 19 metal baseball bats back to school.

Eren isn't the best driver in the world and suffers from acute road rage but Armin is looking mellow and unconcerned. He doesn't complain once throughout the whole ride.

He does have to park the car for Eren because the space is tiny and Eren's patience is limited.

They get in earlier than usual and they find Mr. Bossard, Coach Levi and Ymir smoking in the parking lot.

The fact that Ymir is smoking with her teachers like it's a usual thing does not surprise Eren in the least.

"I didn't know you smoked, Coach," Eren tells him.

"I don't," Levi says and takes a long drag from his cigarette.

"That's a very confusing message you're sending," Armin tells him.

Coach Levi rolls his eyes and drops the cigarette to the floor, crushing it with the sole of his black Nike shoes. Eren thinks they look a tad too expensive for a high school football coach's salary but doesn't comment on them.

"Old habits die hard, shit-eaters," Levi says, "You've got them goods?"

Eren stares at Levi confused.

"He means the baseball bats, Eren," Armin whispers in his ear.

"Ooooh, right. Yeah. We got them goods. Sort of. I'll explain later. About them goods. We'll talk about them. Not now though," Eren says, attempting to not sound suspicious.

Coach Levi doesn't seem to think that he is very convincing.

"You know," Mr. Bossard says, "if this is a drug trade or something equally illegal I have an obligation to bring it up to the authorities."

"It's not drug-related," Coach Levi says.

"Oh, okay. Whatever then."

Levi just sighs and turns to Eren and Armin.

"You better not get me in trouble, you little shit," he says and turns to walk away.

"I'm pretty sure that if teachers talked like that to their students in any other school they'd be fired," Armin says as they walk towards their classes.

"Yeah," Eren replies, "thankfully we don't go to any other school."

*

*

*

Lunch times comes blissfully quickly. Sitting next to Sasha and Connie in most classes does help to pass the time. And going back to normal talking terms with Mikasa means lots of texting occurs all throughout the periods in which they aren't together.

Friday also means pizza for lunch, which puts Eren in an excellent mood that isn't destroyed by the fact that the Tree is being occupied by half their class when he gets there.

"What are you guys doing here?" He asks.

"We were under the impression that we were friends," Sasha says, "and friends have lunch together. And give their other friends food. Like that extra cookie you've got there. You eating that or what?"

Eren sighs but chooses not to complain about the situation.

Sasha and Connie are not completely unexpected members of the Tree crew. Mikasa's and Armin's presence is a given. Annie, Eren has come to accept, is now also in friendly terms with them.

Jean and Marco do surprise him, although he guesses that their experience last night pretty much indicates a certain level of camaraderie.

"Sorry to invade your precious Tree," Jean says sarcastically while he steals the pizza crusts that Marco doesn't eat.

"Whatever," Eren replies sitting next to Mikasa. She smiles at him and he smiles back.

"Gross," Jean mumbles, but Eren simply ignores him.

Just as he's about to eat his first slice of pizza, someone interrupts him mid-bite.

"How rude. You guys don't ask us to have lunch too?"

Eren looks up to find Reiner, Bertolt and Historia smiling down at him with their lunch trays and food bags on their hands. Ymir is also with them looking slightly reluctant.

"And Mikasa told me you went out to have fun without us last night," Historia says still smiling sweetly, " not very courteous. But I'll let it pass if you come to my house party tonight."

She sits down primly next to the Tree, setting her sushi tray in front of her.

Historia Reiss is probably the only human being who can have sushi for school lunch and still manage not to look like a pretentious asshole.

"We broke shit with baseball bats, it was awesome," Connie says.

"Shit, you guys go out causing anarchy and don't invite me? That's fucking low, Jaeger," Ymir says.

Eren just rolls his eyes.

"Maybe next time," Mikasa says, like going to the dump to fuck shit up is just an average in their daily routines.

Eren kind of likes the idea of that.

"Yeah, next time," he says.

"What about the baseball bat? The one Mikasa dropped when she run away?" Annie asks, a smile playing on her lips.

"I didn't run away," Mikasa says, face hard.

"Fuck, of course we run away, that dumpster guy was crazy, bro," Connie says.

"Dumpster guy?" Bertolt inquires sounding faintly concerned.

"Yeah, he chased us with a rifle, man," Sasha says while devouring Eren's cookies.

"No he didn't, you dweeb," Jean replies and Marco laughs.

"Ooh, please tell us the story," Historia says sounding excited.

Connie and Sasha look at each other and nod. Then the both stand up dramatically and pose.

"Better yet, we'll act it out," Sasha says.

Eren spends his entire lunch break trying not to laugh at Sasha's and Connie's completely bullshit interpretation of yesterday’s events while inching closer to Mikasa.

At one point, when Connie and Sasha speak about how Mikasa broke the light, their voices go quiet and their eyes glitter with excitement.

Eren turns to look at her, and finds her staring back. They are both so close that a couple of inches would have them face to face. Without really thinking about it, he grabs Mikasa's right hand and inspects her palm. There are blisters and callouses forming, scratches and bruised tissue, but they somehow look distinctively beautiful in contrast with Mikasa's pale skin. Like tiny constellations on the palms of her hands.

"You're a warrior," he tells her, and brushes his thumb across a small scar.

"I guess so," she says and then turns to laugh softly at another of Connie's bad puns.

They hold hands until the bell rings.

*

*

*

Just before everyone leaves for class, Eren turns to Ymir.

"Can I borrow your switchblade?" He asks.

She raises an eyebrow.

"What makes you think I have a switchblade?"

Eren rolls his eyes and extends his hand. Ymir laughs, and produces a small black switchblade with skull motives from a pocket in her pants.

"Give it back at football practice, or else," she tell him, and turns to saunter after Historia.

"What are you going to do with that?" Mikasa asks him.

"I'm going to write something on the bark of the tree. I think I'm going to miss this period doing it, it's pretty long," Eren tells her. Mikasa shrugs and sits back down.

"I'll stay too then," she says.

Armin looks torn between staying or going to Physics class.

"You go," Annie tells him sternly but not unkindly, "I'll stay for you. Make good notes of the class and explain them to us later," she says. Armin looks unsure, but Annie replies something in Russian that Eren can't quite catch and he nods.

"Don't get in trouble," Armin says.

"Let's not ask for the impossible," Eren replies. Armin laughs and leaves to his class.

Annie turns to Eren.

"You know how to do this?" She asks, an icy blonde eyebrow raised in disbelief. Eren shrugs.

"Do you?" He asks, but realizes that the answer is most likely yes.

"Don't dig to deep. Shallow scratches are better if you're going to write something long," she tells him, and sits down next to Mikasa.

"Right," he says, and he opens the switchblade.

The whole thing does take a period and it is much harder than Eren initially imagined. Making the words legible is kind of tricky. He takes turns with Annie and Mikasa when his hands get tired. Since neither of them is exactly talkative, they do most of the work submerged in a comfortable silence.

The final product looks pretty good in Eren's opinion. They manage to make it readable, at least.

"What does that mean?" Annie asks once they are done, "'Magnolias and Churches, all gone but not forgotten'?"

"I don't know," Eren admits, "I think it's something I heard in a dream."

"It sounds important. Like it matters to someone," Mikasa says.

"Then I'm glad we did it," Annie says.

Eren just nods.

*

*

*

Football practice is the best football practice that they've had in all week, in Eren's humble opinion. Granted, he didn't get to play much at all in the past days. But he actually manages to make a goal with Jean’s assistance. And yeah, the Red team beats them 5 to 3, but that’s only because Annie is really tiny but aggressive on the field and she manages to evade everyone somehow. Plus, Eren can’t help but get distracted when he’s trying to steal the ball from Mikasa and she presses her back against him and then quickly shifts around to face Eren. She smirks at him, her mouth a centimeter away from his and while Eren is trying to control his impulses, she manages to escape with the ball and shoot straight for the goal.

“Control your hormones, Jaeger, damn,” Jean murmurs and laughs. Eren mostly ignores him.

When the match is over, Historia asks Levi for a moment to speak. Coach Levi just shrugs in response.

“Cool,” she says cheerfully, “so, I would like to remind everyone about the party at my house tonight. Remember, it starts at 1 AM so be on time. Oh, and bring your best outfits, I know you’re all going to look super-hot. Any questions?”

“What about money? How much do you need for the drinks?” Reiner asks. Everyone nods.

Historia just waves her hands and somehow manages to look even more so like a Disney princess than she usually does.

“No need for that, I’ll pay for the alcohol. It’s my party after all.” Everyone cheers.

“But you’re all underage,” Mr. Smith cuts in, “I mean, you guys don’t really drink, do you?”

Everyone remains silent and Coach Levi just stares at Mr. Smith like he just said the most hypocritical thing he’s ever heard.

“Oh, hey, can I bring my playlist for the party?” Connie says excitedly.

“Does it include “All-star”?” Historia asks.

“Yeah.”

“Then no. Ymir is in charge of the music,” Historia says and points at her with a perfectly manicured pale-pink nail.

“I have a question,” Coach Levi says, “can I go?”

Historia looks at him excitedly.

“Of course, Coach!”

“Levi, no,” Mr. Smith says.

“Levi, yes. You heard that Erwin, free drinks at Christa’s mansion, hell fucking yeah. I mean, hell freaking yeah or whatever.”

“My name is Historia though.”

Levi shrugs.

“That’s what I said.”

“He’s not really going,” Mr. Smith says.

“Why not, though, Coach Levi is young enough to hang out with as, the cool kids. I wanna party with Coach, it sounds awesome,” Sasha protests.

“He’s thirty and that’s inappropriate. So, yeah, no,” Mr. Smith counters.

“Thirty?! Dang Coach, you looking good for thirty, bro.”

“I bathe in the blood of obnoxious teenagers. Keeps me young,” the Coach says which promptly shuts Sasha up. Annie nods at this, which kind of creeps Eren out.

“I thought it was your level of immaturity,” Mr. Smith murmurs and all the teenagers laugh. Erwin looks like a proud father who just made his children laugh with and awful dad joke. Coach Levi looks murderous.

“Whatever, are we done here or what?” he says giving them all the death stare. Eren comes to the conclusion that Ackerman death stares are the most deadly of them all, and he has now two examples to back it up.

Everyone stands up and starts to move away. Eren is about to make his ways towards the parking lot when he feels someone grab his shoulder a tad too hard.

“Not you, Jaeger, we need to talk,” Levi says.

Eren swears that he sees his life pass in front of his eyes for a moment there.

“Coach,” he whispers, “the bats are in my car, I can get them. I just, I mean, I kind of lost one.”

“You lost a baseball bat?”

“It wasn’t out fault really. We were being chased. It’s okay though, we’ll just buy a new one before Erwin finds out.” Eren looks at Mr. Smith standing a few meters away and looking at them vaguely amused.

“Erwin already knows you idiotic man-child,” Levi hisses.

“How come?”

“He made me tell him.”

“How? Did he torture you or something? Because you look like the kind of guy who can take a secret to his grave.”

“True. But 1, I didn’t really give a fuck about your secret and 2, Erwin was very convincing in another R rated sort of way.”

“…I don’t get it.” Levi sighs.

“I can’t believe that you are allowed to breed.”

“So what now?” Eren whispers back. Coach Levi looks at him for a few seconds, then turns to look at Mr. Smith.

“Yoh, this shitty brat lost a baseball bat but he says he’ll buy a new one. You want me to break his knee caps or what?”

Erwin seems to consider this for a terrifying second, but then laughs.

“No, that’s alright Levi. As long as he pays back for the lost property and brings all the other bats I don’t see a problem,” he says.

The Coach shakes his head in disapproval.

“You used to be fun, Erwin. What happened, old man?”

“We grew up, Levi.”

“Speak for yourself. Alright, let’s go get this motherfucking baseball bats…”

“Levi, watch the language,” Mr. Smith warns him, “You want me to wait for you?”

“Nah. It’s fine,” Levi says, and starts walking towards the parking lot. Eren follows like an obedient puppy.

“Man, wouldn’t this be quicker if Mr. Smith helped us too?” Eren asks as he grabs as many baseball bats as he can carry. Turns out it’s only seven bats.

“Cause he’s secretly an asshole,” Levi says, “Either way, I got it.”

Coach Levi carries twelve bats like he’s carrying a bag of soft pretzels.

Eren takes the key from his necklace and opens the storage, where they promptly deposit all the baseball bats.

“Do you just keep all your keys on your neck?” Coach Levi asks staring at him strangely. Eren shrugs. He touches the three keys hanging from his neck, all joined together by a thin, black string.

“I always used to lose them, so my mum started making me do this in primary. I’ve got Mikasa’s house key, Armin’s and mine. We all have spare keys of each other’s houses.”

“Oh my god, how cute,” Levi deadpans, and starts walking away.

Before he can leave, a terrible idea pops into Eren’s head.

“Hey Coach!” Levi half-turns to acknowledge Eren.

“Have you ever fallen in love?"

Coach Levi stares at him in utter silence for a second.

"Bye," he says and immediately turns to leave.

“No, Coach! I’m serious!”

Levi stops again, and then sighs deeply. He turns to look at Eren with the most displeased expression he has ever seen.

“Can’t you _please_ ask this question to someone else? Like, I’m literally begging you to not ask me about feelings and stupid teenage romance. Those are my least fucking favorite topics.”

“But I need your opinion. Because you are emotionally constipated, and so am I. I mean, the only way I know how to express my feelings is anger,” Eren says. Levi just closes his eyes and throws his head up, as if questioning God’s intentions.

“Yes, I’ve been in love, can I leave now?”

“No, I mean, tell me about it. How did you tell her? I mean, how did you managed to convey your feeling to her? Did she reciprocate? Are you still in love with her?”

Levi stares at Eren now looking slightly amused with Eren thinks is a small improvement. Maybe.

“When I was a tad younger than you,” Levi says, “I used to behave _really_ badly. And I don’t mean `Oh, I’m going to get super drunk and brake my mum’s laptop cause she won’t buy me the new iPhone’ or whatever it is you suckers get angsty about. I mean, I was into drugs and small theft and… I don’t know just mess around with the wrong crowd.”

Levi pauses and then looks away.

“You’ve ever watched a video of me playing? There are some on Youtube or whatever that shit thing is called.”

Eren nods because he thinks it’s more subtle than saying ‘I actually have a special playlist of them in my account’.

“Yeah, I was fucking good too. Like, really fucking good. But then one of these days I’m in the car with two of my friends. It’s a shitty car cause we’re all piss poor and like, I don’t know, we were all kind of high and the leader of our gang…”

“You were in a gang?!”

Levi puts up a hand and manages to look more murderous than usual.

“Alright, rule number one, don’t fucking interrupt me, okay? So yeah, I was in this stupid ass gang, we used to keep other drug pushers from getting in our territory. Like, that was our job. And that day that asshole calls and says he need us to get to this place fast, cause there’s going to be a fight maybe and they’re gonna need support. Now, I’m very careful when I drive, but Farland was more sober than us so I told him he should drive. Which was stupid, I mean, that guy didn’t even have a license for fuck’s sake.”

Levi pauses again, and he sighs. Eren doesn’t know if he wants to hear the end of this story.

“I’m not going to get into details, but I bet you can guess what happened. We crushed. They died. I didn’t but my leg got fucked up real bad. I was being scouted to play overseas and I had to give that up. I had missed most of my classes in high school so I couldn’t graduate. My best friends were dead. I was still fucking poor. You know, overall fucking shitty situation. And that’s about the time when I meet Erwin. We meet at a bar, which yeah, cliché as fuck. And he’s this older, handsome, educated guy who is working as a teacher in this very same high school, so I think, I shouldn’t be wasting my time with someone you shouldn’t be wasting their time with me, y’know? Cause I mean, I really was trash back then. But he buys me a drink, god knows why, and he starts chatting me up. Not flirty or anything, just talking. He gets me drunk. He gets himself drunk. Before I know it, he’s telling me about how there’s a position for primary gym teacher in this place he works in and how I could really get the position. Since I used to be so into sports and shit. And worst of all, I start believing in this bullshit. I’m like, yeah, that would be a way to get a descent salary, stop sleeping in dingy ass motels. Actually settle down instead of being a vagrant with a sad past. Erwin is very convincing like that, you know?”

Levi stops talking, waiting for Eren’s answer. Eren just shrugs in response, because he doesn’t really know Mr. Smith that well, and he’s kind of having trouble understanding how this is connected with his initial question, but is too interested in Levi’s past to stop him.

“So yeah. I tell him that I kind of have some criminal records. Nothing too bad, petty shit, but still. Plus I’m nineteen and haven’t finished my secondary education. There’s no way I’m getting a job in this shitty position.”

“Wasn’t Mr. Smith alarmed that you were drinking while underage?” Levi snorts out a laugh.

“The guy’s a fucking hypocrite. Mark my words. Anyway, I tell him this and he shrugs and says, I’ve got this friend who can make your resume look good, without all that bad shit. I say, is that even legal? And he just shrugs and smiles like he doesn’t care if it is.”

“Mr. Smith did something illegal?!”

“Didn’t I tell you not to interrupt, fucking brat? Fucking kids these days,” Levi says shaking his head, “So, I’m like really excited about all this. But then the next morning I’m sober again and I realize I can’t fucking do it. I can’t just act like I’m a good, moral citizen and get a 9-to-5 job. Not because I don’t want it but because I don’t deserve it and I know I’m not getting it anyways. I don’t call Erwin the next day. Or the next one. I just pretend that that conversation never happened, that I never met him. One week later someone knocks on the door of my room and I find him there, dressed all professor-like and looking really pissed off. I can’t tell you what happens next but Erwin really pressures me into getting the stupid gym teacher job. So I get it. And then Erwin starts showing up every morning to make sure I actually go to my job. He brings food to make sure I eat. He just starts acting like my dad or some shit.”

Eren laughs.

“Mikasa is just like that. She’s always trying to take care of me like a child. She does it to Armin too, sometimes. It’s kind of exasperating. But I don’t dislike it, mostly.”

Levi nods.

“Ackerman is a good girl. Don’t tell her I said that, though. Can’t have students knowing you care, it makes you look weak. But yeah.  Erwin acts all parent-like for the whole school year. Fuck, he even forces me to make friends with Hanji which sure, now isn’t bad, but back then when she was this bizarre lunatic I was forced to socialize with, that wasn’t fun at all.”

Eren tries to picture a young Levi and a young Hanji having a conversation, but all he can imagine is Levi cursing a lot and Hanji ignoring him for the most part.

“By the end of the year I come to the conclusion that I might be in love with Erwin,” Levi says and pauses. He suddenly looks sick.

“Ugh. Gross, I can’t believe I just said that, I think I’m going to puke,” he says. Eren rolls his eyes and hopes that his own emotional constipation isn’t as bad as Levi’s. Then his brain actually processes what the Coach just said and his jaw drops.

“Holy shit, you and Mr. Smith?”

“Yeah, you kids are really fucking dumb. I mean, we live together for fuck’s sake what did you think we were? Forty-something and thirty-something bros sharing a house? Cause that’s just plain sad.”

Eren is about to tell him about the most accepted theory, which is basically that Coach Levi is a spy from the Mafia paid to follow Mr. Smith. But he realizes that that would only be an argument in favor of Levi’s ‘teenagers are fucking stupid as fuck’ theory.

“But how did you guys get together? How did you tell him?”

“I mean, we were having sex already,” Levi says, and Eren can’t help but make a face of utter dismay at the thought of his favorite teacher and his principal having sex, “Like, seriously, I thought that was clear when I told you about the bar. Why did you think he bought me a drink? So that he could analyze my inner demons or some shit?”

“Maybe I should have asked Hanji about this stuff,” Eren says. Levi just rolls his eyes.

“Oh, grow up. Your teachers fuck. Your parents fuck. Welcome to the real world.”

“So how did you tell him?” Eren asks again, trying to erase the idea of his parents having sex and being mostly unsuccessful.

“I didn’t. I mean, there was no need for it. We just fell into place. You know, it was natural. Like shitting or something. It took place and we knew that we were together for the long-hold.”

“You’ve never told him that you love him?” Coach Levi just shrugs, “Holy shit, I mean, I thought I had issues dealing with feelings but you’ve been together for more than ten years, Coach. You know, no offense.”

“Look, not everyone is good at saying that stuff. Erwin knows that I… you know. I don’t need to say it out loud to magically make it true.”

“So you don’t think I should tell Mikasa I love her?” Eren says. Then he takes a second to think about what he just said. Then he panics.

“Ackerman, huh?”

“Shit. I don’t know if I love her though. It just came out. I’m trying to get in touch with my feelings, it’s harder than I thought,” he says, rushing his words and feeling his face heat up.

“You don’t?”

“I mean. No. I guess I do actually. Yeah, I love her. Shit,” Eren mumbles. His heart contracts when he says the words out loud and something dizzying and uncomfortably warm settles into his chest.

“Then fucking tell her. You’re a stupid teenager who can say stupid shit all the time. Say something smart for a change,” Levi says and rolls his eyes.

Eren doesn’t think that Coach Levi is a very good advisor in anything that has to do with feeling or emotions. But if even the most emotionally constipated human being in the world is urging him to tell Mikasa about his feelings then he most probably should.

“You know, you’re actually a good listener. Like, that was some solid advice, Coach.”

Levi looks at Eren and quickly spins with one leg extended. He kicks the double-aluminum walls of the sport’s equipment storage, the impact sounding like a gun-shot. Eren stares at the dent Levi left. It’s huge and deep and Eren is both in awe and extremely scared.

“That’s you if you tell anyone about this,” Coach Levi says, pointing at the dent.

Eren only manages to nod. Then the Coach turns around and leaves without a word.

Eren is left alone with his thought in the middle of an empty field.

He tries not to overthink what just happened. But he keeps replaying Levi’s advice in his head and wondering whether it isn’t too soon to say ‘I love you’. Eren know those words have meaning. He was raised in a household where they were either said frequently or not at all. His mum said it all the time, every single day. To Eren it sounds more like a ‘good night’ or ‘take care’, which doesn’t mean it’s worth any less. It’s just not as meaningful as it should be. His father, on the other hand, has said those words to Eren scarcely. Perhaps even not at all. If he ever did say them, Eren would know that he really did mean them.

The thing is, Eren has never said ‘I love you’ to Mikasa. So he knows that when he says it, he’s going to have to make them count. And that really scares him.

It scares him more than Algebra tests, Coach Levi’s empty threats or college applications.

Eren tends to go head-first into anything than scares him, but right now he just feels like running.

So he does just that, he starts running. He does one lap around the field. Then another one. Then three more. He runs because Eren doesn’t think when he runs. And thinking just confuses him more. He runs another lap and another one, runs until his calves are screaming in pain and his breaths are mostly gasps.

He runs until his phone vibrates inside his pocket, and he has to stop to answer it.

 

**Alarming Armin:**

I’ll be at your house at 11PM to get ready for Historia’s. BTW you’re driving.

 

Eren swipes the sweat off his brow before texting back:

 

Be there at 9. I’m going to need some moral support.

*

*

*

Mikasa chooses to get ready for the party at Historia's. Apparently, all the girls are going to get dressed together. Eren is happy for Mikasa, really.

But that means he only has Armin to get ready with. And for some bizarre reason that Eren won’t ever grasp, Armin thinks that it's a great moment to study and go over the Physics class he lost that morning. On a freaking Friday night.

Eren is having a hard time concentrating.

"So, like, alpha radiation can't pass through the human skin so you can say it isn't 'dangerous' in that sense, but if it somehow gets inside your body then.... Eren, are you paying attention?"

Eren is most definitely not paying attention. His eyes are glassy and unfocused. His body position gives off a certain sense of vacancy. Like he isn't there at all.

He snaps back to attention when his name is called. He has the decency to look embarrassed, at least.

"No, sorry. I was... I don't know, daydreaming, I guess."

"Huh, I was talking about gruesome, awful stuff, I thought you loved that," Armin says, sounding genuinely baffled.

Eren laughs.

"Of course I do. That's the only way you can get me to learn about anything, honestly."

"What's on your mind, then?"

Eren sighs.

"Did you know that Levi and Mr. Smith are dating? They've been together for like 10 years."

Armin laughs.

"Well, duh. I mean they do live together."

"Yeah, but remember how we used to think in primary the Coach Levi was a spy hired to follow Mr. Smith everywhere he went?"

"Eren, we thought that in primary..."

"The point is Coach Levi has never told Erwin that he loves him. Isn't that sad? Like, have you already told Annie that you love her?"

Armin closes his notebook and shakes his head.

"You really can't seem to assimilate the fact that we've been dating for less than a week..."

"So what? I haven't dated Mikasa yet and I, you know... I do."

Armin just stares harder at Eren.

"You do what?"

Eren makes a hand gesture trying to convey something but Armin feigns ignorance.

"I... come on. You know. I love her. That, I mean. Yeah."

"I don't know, man. How can you tell if you really love someone as a friend or as something more? Maybe you have a crush on her and since you already love her as a friend...."

"No. I know, Armin. I love her as a friend, yeah. But I love her in other ways too. I'm sure. I think."

Armin smiles.

"Okay, no need to get angry about it. I believe you."

Eren is about to complain, because he isn't angry, he really isn't, but then a soft song starts playing from his phone.

"Nice song, although not really a good ringtone," Armin says.

"Is this song somehow related to the Shrek franchise?" Eren asks.

"'Hallelujah'? Yeah, why?"

"Fucking Connie..."

Eren answers the phone without checking the caller ID which is why he's mildly surprised to hear his mother's voice.

"Hey, darling," Carla says. Her voice sounds distorted due to the static, but it's still recognizable.

"Mum?"

"No, it's Big Foot. Yeah, Eren, it's your mum."

"Why are you calling?"

"What, a mother can't call her child after not seeing him for a week?"

Eren doesn't bother telling her how most mum's would probably call their child more than just once a week when said child is left alone.

"Whatever... So what's up?"

"Nothing, just wanted to check up on you. Has your father called?"

"What do you think?"

"Alright, I'll take that as a 'no'. Everything alright? You sound happy."

"Do I?"

"As happy as you can sound, really."

"Ah, right. I had a good week, I guess."

"That's great, how's Mikasa and Armin?"

"They're fine. Armin has a girlfriend."

Eren feels the impact of the sofa cushion on his face and turns to look at an embarrassed Armin. He pokes his tongue out at him, because secretly he's actually nine years old.

"What about you, any girlfriend for my son?"

Eren rolls his eyes, then realizes she can't see him.

"Not really."

"Ooh, what's that supposed to mean?"

"I have to go mum, Armin and I have to get ready for a party."

"Denial! Oh my, I'll ask Armin who the lucky girl is, then."

"Don't. If you do that I'm leaving home."

"Is that meant to be a threat? Because I actually like the sound of that idea."

"You're a terrible mother..."

"Nah, you're exaggerating."

"Goodbye mum."

"Why are you so mean to your mother?"

"Bye, mum."

"Okay, okay. But listen, can I ask you a question?"

"What's up?"

"Are you doing anything tonight?"

"Going to a party. Why?"

"I'm your mum, I should know about this stuff. You're coming back home after that, right?"

Eren grunts.

"Where else would I go?"

"I don't know, to your girlfriend's house maybe..."

"Mum..."

"Eren remember to use protection!"

"Oh my god, bye mum."

Eren slams a button on his phone and cuts the call short.

"Why are you blushing?" Armin asks.

Eren shakes his head and gets up.

"I'm going to take a shower. We should be getting ready, we leave in half an hour."

Armin nods and goes back to writing something in his notebook.

"Try not to take too long, though."

*

*

*

"You took too long," Armin greets him once he's out of the shower. He's already dressed in a pair of burgundy pants and a light blue shirt. Eren thinks he looks a tad overdressed. And he kind of smells like his grandpa's cologne. But he guesses that's just Armin's style.

"Not that long."

"Twenty minutes. What were you doing in there? Shaving your legs? Masturbating?"

Eren just shrugs and puts on deodorant.

"Whoa, you were masturbating?"

"... No."

"Holy shit you were. Were you thinking of Mikasa...? No wait. Why did I just ask that? Oh God please don’t tell me!"

"I wasn't going to tell you!"

"That means you were! No, I didn't want to find that out!" Armin shouts, covering his face.

Eren throws his hand up in exasperation.

"I wasn't going to tell you! This is your entire fault, why did you even ask?!"

"Ugh, Eren she's like a sister to me man. You can't just tell me this stuff."

"But I didn't!"

Armin stands up, still covering his face with his hands but now laughing, at least.

"Get changed, I'm going outside. May God have mercy on your soul, Eren Jaeger," he says while leaving the room.

"Stop making me feel bad about it!" Eren shouts.

Eren's phone rings again, this time with 'Accidentally In Love' playing.

"For fuck's sake..." Eren grumbles and checks the caller ID.

'Mikasa' is displayed in bold letters.

Eren doesn't really know how to speak to her after his last conversation with Armin. He's suddenly feeling very self-conscious of his nakedness.

He answers the phone regardless, not wanting to wake Mikasa's ire.

"Heeeey, Mikasa," he says, probably sounding very awkward.

"That hey was a couple of e's too long," Annie tells him from the other side of the line, sounding very bored.

"Annie, what are you doing with Mikasa's phone?"

"I borrowed it. Stole it. Whatever. I have an advice for you," she whispers, and somehow her accent becomes deeper.

"Don't you have your own phone?"

"I didn't have your number. Do you want the advice or not, cocksucker?"

"Is Connie teaching you how to curse in English?"

"Maybe..."

"All right, what's the advice?"

"Well, the girls were all having a chat about what makes a guy hot..."

"Did Mikasa..."

"Shut up, I don’t have much time," Annie whispers urgently.

"Okay, okay. So?"

"Mikasa just so happened to mention how she hates it when boys come to parties in a pair of old, ratty jeans and a stupid hoodie. Then she pointedly looked at me. I think she meant for you to know that."

Eren stares at the jeans and the hoodie laid on his bed and curses internally.

"What else am I supposed to wear? That's all that I own, awful jeans and hoodies," Eren says.

"Don't panic."

"I'm not panicking!"

"Just do something simple. Black jeans with a nice fit and a white t-shirt. And a jacket in case you're cold."

"Right, right," Eren says and starts looking for the things Annie mentioned in his closet.

"Does a muscle shirt count?" He asks Annie.

"Don't."

"Alright. Yeah, hey, I didn't know I had black jeans, huh. And a white t-shirt. I don't have a jacket though."

Annie remains quiet for a second.

"You don't have a jacket?"

"No."

"What kind of person doesn't own a single jacket?"

Annie curses in muffled Russian, and then sighs.

"Ask Connie to lend you one when Sasha comes to pick you up."

"I'm driving to the party, though."

"No, you're going to have to get drunk to confess to Mikasa. You need someone sober to drive you back."

Eren takes a moment to process that.

"Whoa, whoa, are you telling me that you guys are all plotting to get me to confess to Mikasa? That's really creepy."

"You want our help or not?" Annie asks, sounding even more serious and severe than she usually does.

"Yeah, fine. Thanks for the help. I guess."

"Okay," Annie says, and then she hangs up.

Eren puts on the white t-shirt and the black pants. He looks at himself at the mirror and thinks he looks okay, which is an improvement, really. He stares hard at the reflection, looks into green eyes and searches his face for pimples or any sort of blemishes on his skin. He usually doesn't bother with how he looks. But he keeps thinking of Mikasa and whether she'll like how he’s dressed. Whether she will accept him or not.

Minutes pass and he's still staring at himself when he realizes something in the mirror doesn't seem right. He looks at the same spot for too long and his features start distorting and melting away. Eren thinks he can see his face tear apart and turn into something that barely resembles him. Something wilder and monstrous.

A knock on the door breaks his concentration.

"Yoh, are you going to take much longer?" Armin asks.

"No, just a second," he says, and looks at himself in the mirror once more. His face looks as it usually does.

Eren grabs his phone and texts Connie.

 

Could I borrow a jacket? Annie told me you guys are going to come and pick me up. Armin and I are ready to go whenever you are.

Five seconds later, Connie answers:

 

**Mr. Long Dong:**

Gotcha. C U in 10 :p

*

*

*

"I'm pumped," Sasha announces from the driver's seat. They are late for the party, which doesn't really bother Eren because he's never been one for punctuality. But he really thinks that going to McDonald's drive-thru when you're really late is kind of unnecessary. That doesn't mean he's no ordering a Big Mac though.

"I'm glad you're pumped ma'am. Will that be all?" The cracking voice from the intercom asks sounding rather bored.

"No that's all, bro."

"Drive to the next window, please."

Sasha smiles brightly and drives a few meters forwards.

"Sasha, why didn't you get ready with the other girls?" Eren asks from the back of the pick-up truck. The weather is rather chilly and his hair is still tangled and wet. He's at the moment really thankful of Connie's borrowed jacket. The thing is cozy and big, a bit old but a nice shade of olive green. Connie says it belonged to his great-great grandfather who fought in the Great Swamp War but Eren is pretty sure it's just his dad's jacket.

"Getting ready with Connie is a ritual, bro. We always pick up food on our way to a party. Plus, Connie doesn't own a car so I always have to drive him around."

"That's right, fool," Connie says and nods to the music playing on the radio. Which reminds Eren...

"Can you please stop changing my ringtone? It's confusing."

Connie snickers.

"I made Mikasa's ringtone 'Accidentally In Love'," he tells Sasha.

Sasha laughs delighted.

"You and your Shrek references. Such a classic. Gotta love 'em," she says and Connie blushes.

Eren is starting to see a pattern here.

"So, Eren. How are you going to confess to Mikasa?" Armin asks. Eren is about to answer when a bunch of brown paper bags are thrusted upon him.

"Thank you for your order... Holy shit there's only four of you in the car? And you're going to eat all that?" says the pimply teenage boy in the McDonald's uniform.

"You'd be surprised," Eren says. Sasha laughs and drives away.

"How much do we owe you?" Armin asks.

"Oh, it's on us. No worries bro. Now, what were you saying about Mikasa?"

Eren throat fells suddenly very dry.

"I don't know. I mean, do I really have to confess? She already knows how I feel right?"

Armin just shakes his head in an attempt to look like a disappointed father.

"Eren, dude, you can't do that to her. Just because she thinks that you return her feelings it doesn't mean that she _knows_."

"Can't she confess to me then? Why do I have to do it?"

"It's the patriarchy, bro. It's tearing us all apart," Connie says sounding mournful.

"Listen," Armin says, "I get it that you're scared. But thing is, you've been kind of a dick to Mikasa."

"No I haven't" Eren protests while shoving a quarter of his burger into his mouth.

"You act jealous of all guys that make passes at her or try to be friends with her and then when she asks you why you act like that you say you're protecting her from 'possible dicks'. You tell her she's acting like your mum whenever she tries to take care of you. You ignored her and acted erratically to her for a week while you were figuring out your feelings. Honestly Eren, I think you owe an 'I'm in love with you' to her," Armin lectures.

"Where's the lie, though?" Sasha says.

"Amen, bro," Connie replies.

"Fine," Eren says, "you're right. She deserves that. I need to put myself down the line. But, I mean, what if I mess it up? What if she rejects me?"

Eren thinks his concerns are rather serious so he doesn't really get why everyone on the truck starts laughing.

"Seriously, you could just confess your love by singing 'Never Gonna Give You Up' and she would take you with open arms," Connie says, still laughing.

"Yeah bro, don’t underestimate Mikasa. Just tell her whatever you feel at the moment and she'll get it. She really understands you Eren, even when you don't understand yourself," Sasha says. Her speech is somehow really meaningful even though she's chewing on her fries while delivering it.

"That's beautiful, bro," Connie says sounding stunned.

Sasha shrugs.

"Yeah bro, this girl isn't all just about food and memes. I'm very deep too."

"I know," Connie says tenderly.

Eren is really starting to sense something here. Maybe.

Sasha looks at Connie then and for a second there something is happening.

Eren is almost sure.

The sound of techno music thumping in the distance interrupts the moment.

 "I'm super pumped," Sasha says, finishing her last cheese burger.

"Super pumped," Eren echoes, "scared shitless, but super pumped."

*

*

*

The party much like all of Historia's house parties, is wild. There are at least two hundred people dancing around in the huge gardens, stepping on peonies with high-heels and even daringly throwing themselves into the pool despite the low temperatures.

There are less people inside the house itself, although still a fair amount of teenagers and young adults are in there, playing Ping-Pong and getting drunk on liquor they can’t usually afford. The music itself is coming from huge speakers positioned near the house. Or really, the mansion. The thing is huge, built with three floors, ten bedrooms and eight bathrooms. Or at least that's how many Eren has counted all the times he's been at one of Historia's parties.

A rumor says that Historia's dad is in some sort of Eastern European Mafia, but Eren has a hard time believing it whenever he interacts with Historia who is possibly an angel or a Disney princess.

Ymir opens the door for the four of them as soon as they ring the bell. She's wearing a white shirt tucked inside a pair of black slacks. The shirt makes her look flat-chested but it accentuates her small hips. Her hair is untidy and bunched up in a low ponytail. Eren has a hard time connecting Historia's image with that of Ymir who is currently drinking a beer while holding a blunt in her other hand. She looks more like a criminal than the best friend of a kind, pretty heiress.

"Come in, fuckers. We've got a motherfucking snack bar. Historia even got those mini-burgers that everyone likes," she says as a way of greeting.

Connie and Sasha immediately run towards the snack bar even though they just ate.

Eren turns to say something to Armin but he has apparently vanished into the thin air. He suspects that Annie has something to do with his disappearance.

The music is too loud inside the house, so Eren decides to go outside instead.

He looks around for short, black hair or any signs that Mikasa is near. She's really tall so it shouldn't be hard to find her.

A few minutes pass with Eren standing awkwardly to the side when a hand grabs him by the shoulder and turns him around abruptly.

He knows by instinct that it isn’t Mikasa. Her grip is always much softer. But he doesn't expect to encounter Jean Kirschstein either.

Jean is looking similar to Eren, much to Eren's chagrin. He's not wearing a jacket though, but a red flannel shirt and a pair of boots instead of snickers.

Jean is also smoking and incredibly drunk.

"Jaeger!" He shouts, delivering a puff of smoke right into Eren's face.

"Jean, hi. Have you seen...?”

"No man. Wait. I just met a guy who is even more intense than you. I never thought I’d see the day. But this guy is super obsessive with swimming. He's in the pool right now! And the pool is like mega cold!" Jean says and takes another drag from his cigarette.

"I didn't know you smoked," Eren says. Jean just shakes his head.

"Man, you don't know shit about me, though. We should talk to each other more. Fuck, we can be best friends!"

Jean places an arm around Eren shoulders as he says this. He can smell the cheap whisky on him.

"Okay. Sure. But what about Marco? Isn't he your best friend?"

Eren has a theory that one should speak to drunken people as one speaks to small children because they can get confused and moody easily. But the way in which Jean tenses makes him feel like he said something wrong.

"Fuck Marco," Jean says and shrugs.

"Listen man," Eren says slowly, "I really need to find Mikasa. I have to tell her about my feelings. But first I need to get drunk. Like, really drunk. Where's the booze?"

Jean laughs and point towards the pool.

"There’s some booze over there. Some vodka that Annie brought from Russia. Really hard hitting shit. We should so some shots. I'll be your wingman, Jaeger. I'll get you drunk enough," Jean says delighted, and pulls Eren towards the table besides the pool.

Eren wonders for a second whether Jean is being overtly-friendly because he's drunk as hell or because he seemingly had a fight with Marco.

Once at the table, Jean pours something into a random red cup. He pours the same stuff into another cup and offers one of them to Eren.

"It's sake. Get it? Cause Mikasa is Japanese. Like sake. Sake is Japanese too," Jean says and elbows Eren a bit too hard.

Eren laughs, mostly at Jean's drunkenness, and gulps down what's on his cup.

The thing, like all plain liquors, tastes vile. But Eren can keep it down.

"Shit, look, there's your girl!" Jean attempts to whisper, while pointing quite obviously at where Mikasa is standing. Eren recognizes her from behind. She seems to be wearing her favorite leather jacket. She's also chatting with a guy.

Eren takes a better look at him.

He, much like Eren, has green eyes and brown hair and skin slightly darker than Mikasa’s. But unlike Eren, this guy is very tall. And fit. When the guy turns, his back muscles can be seen even through the not-so-thin layer of his green t-shirt.

"Shit, Eren, that dude is ridiculously good looking," Jean says.

"Fuck, I know. This isn't good."

"Let's go talk to him. I mean them. You talk to Mikasa and I'll take care of the tall, handsome guy."

"I get it, Jean, he's hot. Don't need to rub it on my face," Eren says, and starts walking towards Mikasa.

"I hope he rubs it on my face. Just kidding. No homo," Jean says and laughs.

Mikasa must have somehow heard them, because as soon as he's almost next to her, she turns to look at him.

"Hi," she says and smiles softly.

Eren needs a minute to process things. Mikasa is wearing a black top which expose a bit of her fit stomach. She's wearing really tight leggings. Which is really, really nice. But mostly, Eren is looking at her face.

Mikasa usually puts on a thin line of eyeliner and calls it a day. But right now she's has her lips glossed over in a darker tone of pink. She has her eyes defined with black eyeliner and pale, grey eye shadow. Her eyes seems more intense somehow, smoky and dangerous to look at. Her cheeks are slightly pinked in such a way that Eren can't tell whether it's due to the make-up or the cold weather.

Eren never really took his time to look at Mikasa this carefully. She looks as regal and proud as she usually does, but she also looks strangely ethereal right now, like a queen made out of snow. She could melt any minute now.

Eren realizes that he can and he _will_ tell her how he feels tonight. Because he doesn't want to wait much longer. He just can't.

He also realizes that he's been staring at Mikasa for a quarter of a minute and it's getting kind of awkward.

"Hey," he mumbles.

Jean behind him laughs. Eren instantly labels him as the worst wingman in the history of ever.

The guy next to Mikasa also laughs, but something about it makes it sound good-natured, not mocking.

Eren still doesn't like him.

"Did you just arrive?" Mikasa asks, sensing Eren's discomfort.

"Yeah. You look really pretty. I mean, you are pretty. You don't just happen to look pretty tonight. But I thought I should tell you," Eren says. Not very smooth.

"Oh, thank you" Mikasa whispers and blushes. She turns to the guy next to her and says something in what Eren knows is Japanese. The guy answers back in perfectly Japanese, although more accentuated than Mikasa’s.

Eren looks at him, now closer, and realizes that they guy has Japanese features, although his eye color had made Eren think he was Caucasian.

"This is Makoto," Mikasa introduces him; "the guy in the pool is his friend, Haruka. Makoto is an exchange college student from Tokyo. Haruka likes pools."

"Oh yeah," Jean says nodding, "I spoke to that Haruka guy a bit. Man, totally forgot."

He then turns to Eren.

"Relax I'm 90% sure the other one is gay. So maybe this one is too. I think," Jean whispers into his ear.

Thankfully, this time it _is_ a whisper.

"Hey Makoto," Eren says, extending his hand for him to shake.

Makoto smiles affably and Eren prays that Jean is right and that the guy has no interest in Mikasa because he has one of the greatest smiles Eren has ever seen. And he's counting celebrities.

"Hello, you must be Eren," Makoto says while shaking his hand. His English isn't very good, but then again, the guy can speak two languages. Eren can barely manage with one.

Really, he's just glad that Mikasa spoke about him to the guy.

"I'm Jean," Jean intercedes, putting his hand on Makoto's shoulder.

Makoto seems surprised by the gesture, but not put-out.

"Nice to meet you," he says. A splash is heard and a guy inside the pool appears on the edge closest to where they stand.

Due to his features and the fact he's one of the four people in the pool, Eren guesses that he's Haruka.

Haruka extends his hand up, waiting for someone to take it. Makoto immediately moves towards him, removing Jean's hand from his shoulder in the process.

Jean looks slightly disappointed.

Makoto grabs Haruka's hand and helps him out of the pool. He says something in Japanese to him. Haruka shrugs in response. Makoto smiles in a particularly beautiful way while shaking his head at him.

Makoto turns to Mikasa and, from what Eren can understand excuses himself.

"I must fetch a towel for my partner before he becomes ill. It was nice to meet you Eren," Makoto says.

Eren wonders whether the use of the word 'partner' was on purpose or just an error of translation.

"It was nice to meet you too, Jean," Makoto says, but the way in which he says it is weird, like he didn’t pay particular attention to the way in which it's pronounced.

"Nice to meet you too," Eren says. Jean remains oddly quiet.

Makoto bows and he and Haruka move away towards the mansion. At one point, when they are far away already, Eren thinks he sees Haruka turn and stick his tongue out at Jean. But he could be imagining things.

"It's nice to speak in Japanese to someone every now and then," Mikasa says. Eren smiles at her.

"I'm glad you're enjoying the party," he says.

He wants to say something more. He does. But the alcohol he's consumed hasn't reached his brain and he's tongue feels oddly twisted.

Plus, he can't be romantic when he has a now very drunk and very sad Jean putting most of his weight on him.

"Is Jean alright?" Mikasa asks with her usual motherly concern.

Eren dislikes that tone but prefers it when she's using it on him or Armin instead of some other guy.

"He's sad because Makoto wouldn't be his friend," Eren says and shrugs in a subtle attempt to dislodge Jean from him.

The bastard just holds on tighter.

"You have no fucking clue, Jaeger. You've got it so easy with her, you have no idea," Jean mumbles into his neck.

Eren is about to ask him just what the hell he's talking about when Jean suddenly stands straight.

"Shit. Fuck. Oh, shit. Marco," Jean says.

Both Mikasa and Eren turn to look to where Jean is staring intently. They find Marco looking rather sad while holding a cup and nodding his head to whatever Historia is telling him.

"Shit," Jean says again.

And maybe it's the fact that he senses them staring at him, but Marco suddenly turns around and looks right at Jean.

Marco seems to excuse himself from Historia's monologue and turns to walk towards them.

"Go hide. I'll keep him busy," Mikasa says without a second of hesitation.

Jean lets out a deep sigh of relief.

"Thank you," he says and grabs Eren by the arm.

"Wait, why do I have to go?" Eren asks mildly annoyed.

He doesn’t mean to be a douche, but Mikasa is right there. Looking beautiful. Waiting for him. This is his chance to do something about it.

"Moral support. He needs it. Now go," Mikasa says.

"But..."

"We'll talk later," she says, looking meaningfully at Eren. There’s no room for discussion. Eren nods and starts dragging Jean away.

Eren turns around only once on their way to the mansion.

He sees a disheartened Marco watching as they walk quickly away, with Mikasa speaking softly at his side.

When Marco catches him staring, he turns to look away.

Eren just walk on faster.

*

*

*

"Seriously, Kirschstein, I am not in the mood for your drama. I am on a fucking mission tonight," Eren says while pacing around the balcony.

Eren likes to move around when he's angry. Or nervous. Or bored. He just likes moving. Action makes sense to him. Jean running away from his best friend doesn't make sense to him.

"I'm sorry," Jean grumbles. He still isn't sober but at least he doesn't sound as drunk as he did moments ago.

"What's the deal? Why are you running away from Marco? He's like your best friend, isn't he?"

"Yeah," Jean says, staring intently at his boots, "it's just..."

"It's just what?"

Jean sighs and turns to look at the other way. The silence stretches on for a couple of seconds before he speaks.

"Marco told me he's gay."

Eren knows he's a slow thinker. So he takes a moment to process this carefully and make sure he heard right.

"Okay. Marco is gay. And you're acting like a douche because you're what? Disgusted? Scared that he'll look at you in the men's room? What the hell, Jean?"

"Why are you being so hard on me? How is this any different from you running away from Mikasa?" Jean says, raising his voice. He sounds angry but mostly he sounds hurt.

"How is it any similar?" Eren counters.

Jean seems to be about to answer, but then he tenses at the sound of someone opening the door that leads to the balcony.

“Is someone in desperate need to get drunk?" Connie says, sounding miserable. He approaches them, carrying a six-pack in one hand and a bottle of what Eren guesses is Annie’s vodka in the other.

“What happened?” Eren asks, slightly worried. Connie doesn’t do sad. He’s always either happy, bored, or extremely concerned for his and Sasha’s safety.

“Where’s Sasha?” Jean asks.

“Sash is flirting with some random guy, I don’t know. Don’t want to talk about it really,” he says while handing the bottle of vodka to Eren. He then opens up one of the beers and takes a long gulp.

“Oh, I get it,” Eren says. His neurons have somehow managed to connect all the clues that Connie’s behavior had given him.

Connie looks at Eren and sighs.

“Is it very obvious? That I like her?” he says.

“Extremely,” Jean mumbles and snatches the vodka from Eren’s hand to take a shot. From the way in which he winces, Eren can tell that this is some real shit.

“Don’t be a hoarder, Jean,” Eren says and takes back the bottle. He takes a drink himself and almost spits it out. It is beyond horrid.

“You drink like a lady, Jaeger,” Jean says and grabs the bottle to take an even longer shot.

“Shut up, Kirschstein, that’s sexist as fuck,” Eren says and takes a swing from the bottle.

“It’s nice to know I can count on you guys to get completely wasted when my best friend is flirting with other dudes,” Connie says and finishes his beer, only to open another one.

“Best friends? Fuck them,” Jean sneers.

Connie shakes his head laughing.

“That’s the problem, bro. We can’t.”

*

*

*

Eren is drunk. Seriously drunk. He feels giddy and warm all over. He laughs at the stupidest of Jean’s jokes and references Connie makes that he doesn’t even understand. His body sways lightly and his face feels numb. He’s hugging people a lot.

Eren is wasted and he likes it that way.

“Oh, man, I thought of Sasha and made myself sad,” Connie whispers and frowns.

“Oh hey, speaking of the devil,” Jean murmurs and both Connie and Eren turn to see Ymir, Historia and Sasha opening the balcony’s door. Historia is laughing, probably at something Sasha said. Eren laughs too because he bets it was really funny.

“Connie!” Sasha exclaims, looking at them, “You guy’s having a stag party or what?”

Connie stares at Sasha like a deer in the headlights. Seconds pass and he still hasn’t answer. Eren thinks he should intervene before things get awkward.

“We’re discussing some important stuff,” Jeans says suddenly, “could you give as a minute?”

Sasha shrugs and walks towards the other side of the balcony with Ymir and Historia.

“Shit,” Connie whispers, “man, I feel so weird around her now. Do you think she heard?”

Eren grabs him by the shoulders and looks him in the eyes.

"Connie, a wise man once said to me that if you love someone you should tell them. You should go up to them and fucking tell them," Eren says, sounding more confident than he feels.

"Yes," Connie slurs, then again, "yes!"

"If you love someone. If you love your best friend. You should tell them," Eren says, nodding.

"But that's easy for you to say, you already know the answer. What if they don't love you? What if kissing them makes everything awkward and awful? What if you fuck it all up?" Jean argues.

"Yes, what if?" Connie says, his face changing dramatically.

"If they are really important to you and you are really important to them, then they'll understand. Even if they don't feel the same way, they'll understand," Eren counters.

Jean doesn't seem so sure about this logic, but Connie seems to be, because he nods enthusiastically and then turns around, walking straight towards Historia, Ymir and Sasha who are chatting amicably. Or as amicably as one can chat with Ymir.

"Yes," Eren hears Connie whisper as he moves forwards.

Connie stands right in front of Sasha and grabs her face gently between his hands. Sasha looks at him weirdly but doesn't stop him. Connie eyes her tenderly for a moment and then kisses her right on the lips.

"Holy shit," he hears Jean say.

For a terrifying moment, everything is still. Sasha's eyes are wide open but aside from that there is no reaction from her part.

Historia has her mouth open and Ymir is looking slightly perplexed.

Then she starts laughing. Ymir laughs like a jackal having sex with a hyena.

"God, between these two and the Jaeger-Ackerman dispute I feel like I'm on an episode of fucking Friends or some shit," she says.

Then Sasha does react. She grabs Connie's shoulders gently with both hands and pushes away.

Connie looks at Sasha, his face a mask of desperation.

Sasha starts laughing.

"Oh my God, Connie. How long did it took us for that to happen, like 5 years? What the hell, bro?"

Connie looks baffled for a second, but soon starts laughing with her.

"I've wanted to do that since forever, bro, seriously," he says.

Sasha nods, smiling widely.

"Oh Connie, you complete me."

Connie grabs her by the waist and pulls her closer.

"Shut up. You had me at hello," Connie says and kisses her again and again.

"Oh, fuck off," Jean murmurs sounding pleasantly surprised.

"Did they just reference some movie?" Eren asks Jean.

Jean just rolls his eyes.

"Jaeger, your lack of knowledge of pop culture is verging on pitiful," he says.

Eren stares at Sasha and Connie. He looks wasted and sluggish, but most of all, he looks happy.

"Take it to the bedroom, suckers," Ymir says.

"You can go to my bedroom if you promise not to get too freaky," Historia says smiling. Ymir looks displeased.

"No way, man, I sleep in that bed sometimes," she says.

"Don't say it like that! You're making it sound weird," Historia squeaks alarmed, deeply blushing.

"Oh, you know you love me babe," Ymir adds and winks at her.

"We will take the offer most thankfully, bro," Connie says.

Sasha grabs Connie by the wrist and they walk away laughing.

Eren is man enough, and drunk enough, to admit that that was kind of adorable.

"That was nice," Mikasa says. Eren jumps, surprised.

"Yeah, wow," Eren says looking at her. He doesn’t like comparing Mikasa to a predator, but there is no other way to describe the way in which she moves.

“And that’s my cue to walk away,” Jean says and drunkenly strides inside the mansion.

“You’re really drunk, aren’t you?” Mikasa says. Eren is having a hard time concentrating because she’s not wearing her leather jacket. And Mikasa’s shoulders look ridiculously pretty bathed in moonlight.

“I’m drunk,” Eren responds.

Mikasa laughs lightly and nods towards the mansion.

“Want to walk to somewhere quieter and sober up?” she asks.

“Somewhere quieter?” Eren repeats not very eloquently.

“A walk. Outside. How about it?”

Eren nods slowly,

“Yeah,” he says, “That would be nice.”

Mikasa grabs Eren’s hand and Eren panics wondering if his hands are sweaty. But she doesn’t complain so he figures he’s fine. Mikasa walks him down the stairs at the side of the balcony and Eren stumbles on some of the steps. He’s starting to think that getting ridiculously drunk was not a good idea when he was meant to eloquently confess his feelings.

“You’re sober,” Eren says, “you never drink at parties.”

Mikasa shrugs.

“I have to stay sober. In case you do something stupidly dangerous.”

Eren nods at this and then falls face first to the ground after stepping on a dislodged tile.

Mikasa just sighs and helps him up, brushing the dirt from his face.

“Case in point.”

*

*

*

"This is nice," Eren mumbles. He's still having a hard time trying to not act like a drunken idiot. Mikasa doesn't seem to mind though. She helps Eren walk through the mansion without tripping into people and she smiles whenever he makes a pathetic attempt at a joke.

Right now they are both walking down a mostly deserted street. A car passes by them every 10 minutes or so.

Eren is stumbling and thankful for Historia's house location. In their town, being rich means mostly living isolated from the rest of world, so although Historia's house is far away from everything (school, the mall, friends, whatever) she has the perk of being able to take a walk at 4am without no one around to bother her.

And Eren likes taking walks. And he likes being outside, feeling the grass blades brush against his ankles.

"Man, I really love grass. It's so nice," he tells Mikasa.

In his mind, a rational part of it at least, Eren can tell that he's spouting out strange and dumb sentences. But it's like everything he's saying is out of his mouth before he can even process a thought.

Remembering this tomorrow will probably be embarrassing. That is, if he remembers it.

"I like the grass too," Mikasa says gently, "Do you want to sit down?"

Eren looks at her and nods for a few seconds. Mikasa smiles at him and Eren smiles back probably looking really dopey.

They sit down on the grass, slightly wet with dew. Mikasa sits cross-legged and brushes her knuckles against the soft leaf blades.

Eren is just struggling to remain in an upright position. Mikasa looks at him, attempting not to tip over and laughs.

"Do you want to put your head on my lap?" She offers almost shyly as she extends her legs.

Eren answers by dropping his head right on Mikasa's thighs.

Mikasa looks down at him and brushes the hair out of his face. Her hands are freezing.

"Are you cold? "  Eren asks. Mikasa shrugs like she doesn't really care which of course means 'yes'.

"I left my jacket at Historia's," she says. Eren sits up and takes off Connie's jacket.

"Here, put this on," he says and he covers Mikasa's shoulders with it. Mikasa clutches the jacket more closely to her body as Eren lies down on Mikasa's lap again.

"This reminds me of primary," Mikasa says.

Eren looks at her confused.

"In which way?"

"You remember the first day? I'd been recently placed into my family's care. My English sucked and I was just... Very shy."

"Oh, you mean the scarf," Eren recalls. He remembers now. A young, tiny Mikasa sitting on her own at lunch. Looking sad. And then tinier, hyper Eren running around the cafeteria with the teacher asking him to sit down.

Eren seeing Mikasa. Wrapping his red scarf around her neck to cheer her up and feeling like he has done it thousands of times before.

"The scarf," Mikasa whispers back.

Eren twists grass blades between his fingers, pulling them apart.

"Do you think I'm a jerk?" He asks.

"A jerk?"

"Yeah, am I?"

Mikasa seems to consider this for a moment.

"You are intense. Acerbic, sometimes. Moody. Temperamental. Really, really bad at expressing your feelings. Sort of bitchy, yeah," Mikasa says thoughtfully.

"Okay..." Eren says, slightly apprehensive. Mikasa smiles.

"But you're not a jerk, Eren. You care about others and you always do what you think you have to do to protect them. And that's what I like about you. One of the things I like about you."

Eren looks at Mikasa's face from below. Her hair is covering her face, like a curtain at the start of a show. He pushes one side of it behind her ear, revealing half of her face. She’s watching him, all of his movements and reactions.

She knows, he thinks. She has to.

“I want to tell you something,” he says. She tips her head back slightly, exposing her neck and closing her eyes.

“Okay,” she whispers. Eren looks at the sky.  There are barely any stars. The sun will come out in a couple of hours and these towns weren’t made for stargazers to live in.  He thinks of open skies with so many stars of different boldness and brightness, so many clusters and formations.  But right now he thinks he could count them, so few he can see.

He can’t help but feel exposed, with such a naked sky.

“I can’t,” he says, “I can’t tell you now.”

Mikasa just nods, her face devoid of any expression, mostly. Her eyes are still expressive and they look undeniably melancholic.

“I have to be sober,” Eren reasons, “when I tell you this. I want to remember the moment. I want to feel completely like myself.”

“Unlike you, I am incredibly patient,” Mikasa tells him softly. Eren touches her exposed abdomen. He traces her left hip with his index finger.

“I know. That’s what I like about you. One of the things I like about you,” he tells her. Mikasa touches the back of her hand to Eren’s cheek and smiles.

Eren’s heart is beating frantically and, where he not in his current situation, he would be running. Moving. Anything to prevent himself from feeling so happy and so aware of everything.

But the alcohol has him feeling mellow and right now he just wants to soak in the warmth of another person.

He thinks that, even if he can’t tell her how he feels just yet, he could still kiss her. It would be a promise, in a way. Seal the deal, at least.

He straightens up and turns to look at Mikasa. Her face is close to his and he can hear her breathing. His face moves, closer still and their lips are touching…

“Shit.”

Mikasa and Eren both whip their heads around to find someone standing a few meters away from them. Even with the dimness of the streetlamps, Eren recognizes Miss Hanji’s profile.

“What the hell?” Eren says feeling oddly sober for a moment.

“Pretend I’m not here!” Miss Hanji says, putting her hands up, “I’m just doing some research on the star-nosed moles. Those little fuckers can perfectly detect seismic wave vibrations with their little noses; it’s actually really interesting…”

“Miss Hanji, please don’t take this the wrong way, but it’s 4 in the morning on a Saturday and you’re researching moles? What gives?” Eren asks.

“It’s the best time for research! I’m free, don’t have classes the next day, no one’s around to bother… not that you’re bothering me or anything. It seems like I’m actually bothering you. Oh yeah, teenage romance. Reminds me of my youth, you know? Making out at parties, going on dates, sneaking into the zoo at night to investigate the effect of natural laxatives on the excretory system of lions. Great memories.”

“Why do you always say weird stuff?” Eren mumbles.

“We should get going,” Mikasa says. She stands up and helps Eren stand up as well.

“Oh, no, is it because of me? I can leave right now though, no need to worry,” Hanji says sounding sorry.

“No, it’s just Eren is very drunk,” Mikasa tells her.

“Bro, no,” Eren says, utterly betrayed.

“Oh dear, what would Erwin think if he saw you?” Hanji exclaims. Mikasa smiles and Eren just shrugs.

“See you on Monday, Miss Hanji,” Mikasa says. Hanji nods and waves them ‘goodbye’ as they walk away.

“Where are we going?” Eren asks. Mikasa grabs him by the shoulders and steers him away from a hole that Eren admittedly did not see but still probably wouldn’t have tripped on.

“You’re drunk. I’m driving you home,” Mikasa says, her hands still on Eren’s shoulders.

“I’m not that drunk,” Eren protests, “Plus, I have to drive my car back home.”

Mikasa halts and turns Eren to face her.

“Eren, you came with Sasha and Connie. You’re drunk,” she tells him, looking serious.

“That’s an exaggeration. It’s too early to go home,” Eren says and walks on. A moment later, Mikasa stops him.

“We have to go the other way, Eren.”

Eren considers this for a moment, then nods.

“Fair enough. But we’re getting Taco Bell.”

*

*

*

Mikasa fulfills her promise and buys Eren an enchilada. Eren munches happily while fiddling with Mikasa’s stereo.

He likes Mikasa’s used, electric blue Honda Civic than his ostentatious and stupidly expensive Mercedes-Benz. His own car feels far too plastic and uncomfortably clean.

“Leave that song. I like it,” Mikasa says. Eren obeys, drumming on his thighs along to the rhythm of the song.

They settle into a comfortable silence, occasionally interrupted by Eren making silly comments and Mikasa’s patient remarks. When they arrive to Eren’s house, he stumbles out of the car and walks towards his door, only to realize that he doesn’t have the keys.

Mikasa gets out of the car and takes Eren’s keys out of a pocket of Connie’s jacket. Even though Mikasa got get leather jacket back, she’s wearing the old, green one still.

“Here, I’ll help you in,” she murmurs and opens the door for him.

“Y’know, I can take care of myself,” says Eren as he makes his way in.

“Doubtful,” Mikasa says, entering with him. She turns and closes the door. Eren goes to the kitchen and drinks juice out of the carton only to have Mikasa reprimand him for doing so.

They sit on the couch and Mikasa’s turns the TV on. Much to Eren’s dismay, the screen flashes showing the Jaeger’s Netflix account. She turns with a raised eyebrow to look at him.

“’Kourtney and Khloe take Miami’?”

“Khloe is really funny. Don’t judge me,” Eren says.

“I won’t,” Mikasa answers, “I’m more into ‘Dance Moms,’ personally.”

“You want to watch an episode? They have that in Netflix too.” Eren asks.

Mikasa just shrugs, but Eren can sense the ghost of a smile on the commissure of her lips.

*

*

*

An episode turns into two which turns into three and half of the ‘Pineapple Express’ later, Eren checks his phone and realizes that it’s 8 AM.

“Mikasa your parents are going to murder you,” Eren tells her. Mikasa shrugs.

“I texted my mum. I told her I was staying at Sasha’s. It’s fine,” she whispers.

Eren rationalizes that for a second.

“So… you’re going to Sasha’s?”

Mikasa stays quiet, looking pointedly at Eren. He notices how her make-up is slightly smudged, giving her eyes a wilder appearance.

“Do you want me to go to Sasha’s?” she asks.

“No…” Eren answers. He can feel warmth spread inside him when he says that. The notion of Mikasa actually accepting to stay at his house for the night when his parent’s aren’t home makes something inside of him simmer pleasantly.

They look at each other in silence. Mikasa stands up quietly.

“We should go to sleep, “she says.

“Right. You want me to make a bed for you or..?” Eren leaves the question unfinished, probing at Mikasa’s reaction. He feels like a child attempting to pet a bird, one false movement and she’ll fly away.

Mikasa reddens visibly and looks to the side.

“We can share a bed,” she says. Eren nods.

“You can borrow my pajamas. Boxers and a t-shirt?”

“Yeah, that’ll be fine. Can you bring it to the bathroom, please?” she says, still looking at anywhere but Eren. Then she stands up and leaves.

Eren goes to his room to pick-up something she can sleep in. he changes his own underwear and t-shirt combo for a cleaner one. He picks a big grey t-shirt and the tiniest pair of boxers he can find for Mikasa. He walks towards his bathroom and knocks on the door. Before he can say anything, Mikasa quickly opens the door and grabs the clothes Eren has in his hands. Just as quickly, she closes the door.

Eren walks back to his room and gets changed. He looks at his room and wonders if perhaps it’s a bit too messy. Which is weird, because he never cared before if Mikasa thought he was being to messy. He decides then that Mikasa never seemed bothered by it before and so there is no reason to clean up.

When Eren turns around he finds Mikasa at the just behind the threshold to Eren’s room. She’s looking at him, nervously biting the nail of her thumb.

“I thought the boxers would be too large on you but they seem to fit alright,” Eren says, attempting to break the awkwardness. Mikasa raises an eyebrow at that.

“I do have hips,” she deadpans.

“Yeah, no. I didn’t mean it that way, I just… I don’t know.” Mikasa looks cute in Eren’s t-shirt. They are almost the same height (Eren is grateful for those extra 5cm he got the last couple of years) and Mikasa cannot be possibly described as petite but she still manages to look cute in a slightly over-sized t-shirt. Eren debates the possible outcomes of telling Mikasa what he’s thinking right now.

But she seems to reads her thoughts, because she quickly grows restless. Mikasa moves inside the room, towards Eren’s queen size bed. She lifts off the blankets and quickly hides beneath them.

“Goodnight,” she matters, face pressed against one of Eren’s pillows. Eren warily moves to turn off the light and then slowly gets into the other side of the bed. He remains still, knowing that Mikasa is only a few centimeters away. He doesn’t want to accidentally touch her, because she would probably become uncomfortable. He doesn’t want to sleep because he might have his recurring nightmares and wake up sweaty and breathless when she’s there to see him.

He doesn’t really know what to do.

“Eren,” Mikasa whispers into the dim darkness of his room.

“What’s up?”

“Just… don’t let us get weird,” she says. She turns to her side to face Eren. He turns around as well. He can only see the shape of her face, the ridges and curves of dark shadows. One hand touches his face.

“What do you mean by that?” he asks her.

“I’ve known you for so long. I mean, this just adds up to what we have. It doesn’t make things more difficult it should make them easier. That’s the whole point, isn’t it?” she says.

Eren closes his eyes. He shuts the world down for a second. Mikasa is always speaking in riddles and puzzles lately, expecting Eren to understand the logic behind her words.

And maybe this time he gets it. Maybe they are speaking the same language again, because he really gets it.

“Yes,” Eren says softly and he moves closer to Mikasa. She presses her lips against his forehead and he can feel her smile.

“I’m glad you do.”

*

*

*

_IT IS A STRUGGLE._

_YOU ARE_

_RAGE IRE FURY ANGER COLLER MADNESS RAGE IRE FURY ANGER COLLER MADNESS_

_YOU ARE VIOLENCE. STUCK._

_You are reckless._

_FIGHT IT. FIGHT THEM ALL._

_No not all of them. Keep her safe. Keep him safe._

_Protect them._

_PROTECT THEM. DETROY THE OTHERS._

_DESTROY THE HARM. BECOME THE HARM. EAT THE THEM. BECOME THEM._

_CONSUMECONSUMECONSUMECONSUMECONSUMECONSUMECONSUMECONSUME_

_Yes. Consume. Break its neck. Stick your teeth into its nape. What does it taste like?_

_BLOOD_

_No, not blood. Hot air and sadness._

_You are sadness. Stuck._

_I AM SADNESS. STUCK._

_Attack. Bring it down. It is an aberration. A nothing._

_It is you and you are it._

_I AM DEATH. I AM BERSERK._

_You are the enemy of humanity. You are its last hope. Attack._

_There is no such thing as mercy in this cruel, cruel world._

_*_

_*_

_*_

_You see hazy. You see red._

_You see death._

_“Eren.”_

_You have become unstuck._

_“Eren.”_

_You are reckless and this is all your fault._

_“Eren!”_

_You open your eyes and you feel steam against your face. Your whole body feels raw and hot. Bloody oozes from your left leg, or what is left of it. Everything smells like rusty iron and your eyes can barely adjust to the bloody, red brightness of the dusk._

_“Eren,” Mikasa whispers._

_Mikasa. You remember Mikasa. You remember family. You remember friends. You remember death._

_Everything else is blank._

_You hear a sob, eerily reminiscent of another life, a past so far away that you can barely remember it. A little girls being covered in red. Red blood and a red fabrics covering her neck._

_Did you choked her, accidentally?_

_You turn to look at her. She’s covered in blood right now. But it’s a matte, dark red. So much blood accumulated that it is no longer red._

_She already smells like death._

_“Where’s Armin?” you ask her, your voice a fragment of a susurrus._

_Armin. You remember Armin._

_Mikasa shakes her head rapidly, sobbing again. Then she whimpers in pain as she presses her hand against her abdomen._

_“Eren, why did you do it? Why, why..?” she sobs again, tears falling freely from her face now._

_Eren. You remember Eren._

_What a bastard._

_“What did I do?” you ask. Mikasa looks at you, eyes rimmed red. Her breaths are labored and you wonder for how long they’ll continue. She will probably surprise you. She’s always been a fighter._

_“Armin…” she gasps. You turn to look around you. The carcass of a titan is lying next to you. You are that titan. The one with cruel, wicked features and sharp teeth. The one that ate all the others._

_“I killed the titans,” you say. Mikasa is crying silently now, not even daring to look at you. You touch her cheek with a bloodied hand. You try to dry her tears away but you only manage to smudge her cheek in that awful shade of maroon._

_“You killed a titan. He was holding Armin. You… the titan fell when you cut him. What do you think… what happened to Armin?” she murmurs._

_You bit the titan’s nape. You killed it. It fell._

_What happened to Armin?_

_Armin fell as well._

_“Is he… is he dead?” you ask her. Mikasa is quiet. You can hear the birds squawking above you. They sound as if they were mocking you._

_You are so reckless._

_“Is he dead?!” you shout. You sound hoarse, broken. You turn around quickly, try to stand but can’t. you are dizzy and your limbs feel like water, shapeless and undefined. You try to crawl away. But stop when you see the body._

_Blonde hair covering most of his face. Eyes not limpid. No life inside of him._

_There is no blood around him, but the way in which his body is position is extremely crooked. You can tell that something is wrong, that no one could possibly be twisted in this way._

_You know he’s dead. He’s dead._

_He’s dead and you killed him and this is all your fault._

_“I never thought…” you gasp._

_“You never do,” Mikasa says quietly. You turn to look at her. There is fury clearly portrayed in her features. She cut you out of the titan’s body but she cut you out all wrong, messed up and torn asunder. You wonder vaguely if she did that on purpose._

_“What happened to you?” You ask her._

_You don’t understand how you can manage to be logical after this. It’s like your head hasn’t processed it yet._

_He’s dead and you killed him and this is all your fault._

_“I tried to cut you out. You fought back,” she says simply. Then she coughs and she coughs blood. Everything is far too crimson._

_You want to say something. Anything. You need to save them. But you can’t._

_There is darkness blurring the edges of your vision. The sun is setting but you can’t move. Your wound is bleeding profusely now. Your dizziness gets worse._

_You’re going to pass out, even if you don’t want to. You don’t get to decide. But you still want to tell her._

_Tell her what exactly?_

_‘We’ll be alright’? There is no use for blatant lies when death preys upon you. Death is the only universal truth that you know._

_‘I love you’? The words feel heavy in your tongue but they taste like ash. Like you should have said them while they still burned and now they have dissipated._

_“I’m sorry,” you say instead, just before you are robbed of your consciousness._

_“I am so, so sorry.”_

 

 


	6. Buzzing like a neon light on a busy boulevard (Saturday)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is kinda like the last chapter, since the one coming after this one is more of an epilogue. hope u guys enjoy it :)

“The good old days, the honest man;

The restless heart, the Promised Land

A subtle kiss that no one sees;

A broken wrist and a big trapeze

Oh well I don't mind, if you don't mind

'Cause I don't shine if you don't shine

Before you go, can you read my mind?”

-Read My Mind by The Killers

 

Eren has come to realize the pros and cons of sleeping in bed with Mikasa:

PROS

  *          Waking up next to a girl is a pro on itself.
  *          Waking up next to Mikasa is even a greater pro.
  *          Sleeping in a bed with a girl means cuddles (even when no kissing took place).
  *          Cuddles mean waking up pressed next to the other person.
  *          Girls look incredibly pretty when they sleep (even when they snore a little bit)
  *          Feeling a girl’s breast against your chest
  *          Really, the list is endless



CONS

  *          Waking up with a boner while pressed against a girl is a con waiting to happen
  *          Waking up with a boner while pressed against Mikasa is a disaster waiting to happen



 

Mikasa is _not_ a heavy sleeper and Eren knows he has to act carefully and slowly. He manages to disentangle their legs and remove himself from Mikasa’s grasp. He slowly crawls out of the bed and manages to almost enter his bathroom.

Then Mikasa wakes up.

“Where are you going?” Mikasa asks. Eren turns to look at her, keeping his body turned to the other way.

“To the bathroom,” he says. Mikasa stretches her arms above her head and Eren watches dumbfounded as the fabric of the t-shirt climbs, revealing a hint of Mikasa’s abdomen.

“Alright,” she says as she reaches for her phone, “It’s 5PM. We should be at Connie’s in three hours.”

“Okay,” Eren says and takes another step towards the bathroom as Mikasa dials her mum’s cellphone.

“Oh,” she says, “and good morning, Eren.” She smiles, close-mouthed and sweet, then turns to converse with her mother on the phone.

“Good morning, Mikasa,” he answers.

Then he slips into the bathroom for a cold shower.

*

*

*

Things become incredibly easy after that. After they are both bathed and fed on whatever scraps they can find in Eren’s kitchen, they sit to watch TV and chat.

Mikasa seems like her usual self, only she smiles more and she seems more confident in her touches. Eren finds himself lying on the couch while spooning Mikasa without even realizing how it happened. It’s like they just fall into place. They’ve known each other for so long that it all seems very natural.

Yet there still an undercurrent of tension, mostly caused by the fact that they haven’t kissed.

Eren just keeps thinking about how they’ll have to cross that barrier at some point and that he _has_ to make it count.

“Does your dad know that tonight’s sleepover includes boys?” Eren asks while placing his arm around Mikasa’s waist.

“Does my dad know that I spent last night with you instead of Sasha?

“No.”

“Well there you have your answer,” she replies smoothly. Eren laughs.

“Wow, rebellious Mikasa. I’m kind of turned on,” he jokes. Mikasa tenses against him and for a second he worries he’s gone too far.

Then he realizes Mikasa is shaking and attempting to stifle her laughter against the palm of her hand.

“God, Eren. Seriously you’re too crude,” she says, still laughing.

“Sorry. Too soon?”

“Maybe. Between that comment and your little ‘issue’ this morning, tough, I’m getting used to this.”

“Wait. Fuck. You knew I had a boner?!”

“You were literally pressed against me,” she counters.

“Shit. That’s embarrassing,” Eren says, “also, just for the record, my ‘issue’ isn’t little.”

“Yeah, after this morning I know,” Mikasa whispers,

“Mikasa, no! Holy shit, and there are people who think that you’re innocent just because you’re quiet,” Eren says in between bouts of laughter.

“I just have a dark sense of humor,” Mikasa answers back.

Eren is about to respond when a song starts playing loudly.

“What is it with Connie and ‘Smashmouth’?” Mikasa wonders.

“Is ‘I’m a Believer’ part of the Shrek franchise?” Eren asks tiredly.

“Do you even need to ask?” Eren sighs.

“I swear I’ll take revenge on him somehow. This has gone too far for far too long,” Eren says, then scoots of the couch to go grab his phone.

“Hello?”

“Eren Jaeger, this is Armin Arletcalling. I'm calling to let you know how disappointed I am in the fact that you totally hook up with our best friend and the girl that you are in love with and did not, I repeat, did not tell me. May I ask what the fuck?”

“Dude, I literally woke up two hours ago. Don’t be so hard on me.”

“That was a reference, Eren,” Armin calmly explains.

“You too? Teasing me for my lack of pop culture knowledge, Armin? I thought we were friends.”

“So did I, but you see, best friends tell their best friends when they hook up with the girl of their dreams.”

“Hey, you didn’t tell me about Annie, so we’re even,” Eren counters.

“You _saw_ our first kiss. What, you wanted an illustrated guide of how it all took place?”

“Don’t patronize me,” Eren says.

“I don’t intend to sound condescending, but you know what patronizing means?”

“My mum uses it when she’s offended. So I’m pretty sure I used it right. If I didn’t, then here’s another thing she says when she’s offended; mind your own business you scrotum-faced fuck.”

“Man,” Armin sighs, “you mom is a tough lady, Eren.”

“You know it.”

“And talking about tough ladies, can you please fucking tell me what happened with Mikasa?”

“Yeah, well…” Eren says. He turns around to look at Mikasa who is busy playing Fruit Ninja on her iPhone.

“Well what?”

“We cuddled.”

“That’s cute, but I mean, how was your first kiss?”

“We didn’t. Yet.”

Eren waits for Armin to respond but hears only silence.

“Armin?”

“You cuddled. She slept in your house. In your bed?”

“Yeah,” Eren mumbles.

“She slept in your bed and you guys didn’t even kiss?! Are you serious?!”

“I was really drunk last night. I want to remember our first time. I mean, it’s like when you go against a boss in a videogame, you want to have the very best equipment and be fully-healed, you know?”

“Alright. I feel you,” Armin says, “But you’ve got to kiss her before this week ends.”

“I know,” Eren states, “and I will. When the moment is right.”

“Fine. Just don’t overthink it, it’ll mess with your head.”

“I know, man. Listen, we have to get going. See you tonight?”

“Yeah,” Armin says, “see you, loser.”

“Whatever, nerd.”

Eren hangs up.

“We leaving for Connie’s now?” Mikasa asks. She has somehow managed to appear right behind Eren without making a sound. Eren has always been unnerved by Mikasa’s silent movements but he is also admittedly impressed by them.

“You must have been a huntress in your past life,” Eren says, “You have silent stalking down to a tee.”

“Maybe I had to move silently not because I was a hunter, but because I was the prey,” Mikasa whispers against Eren’s neck. She tickles his nape, making him shiver.

Eren feels both aroused and terrified, and definitely like a prey.

“Trust me,” he whispers, “A huntress.”

*

*

*

They drive in Mikasa’s car to Connie’s house. Mikasa is dressed in last night’s clothes and Eren gives himself the liberty of looking at her while she drives.

Connie’s house is close by and because of Mikasa’s insistence, they arrive punctually, something Eren isn’t very accustomed to. Connie opens the door for them as soon as they ring the bell.

“Mikasa, welcome to mi casa, bro,” Connie greets as soon as they come inside.

“I’ve heard that joke at least eighty-seven times, but yeah, ha ha,” Mikasa deadpans.

“Cold,” Sasha says from the kitchen, “Mikasa don’t be mean to my future husband.”

“Im’ma be mean with whoever I want,” Mikasa answers, “you got me some clothes?”

“Yeah, babe, I’m your clothes dealer,” Sasha says and hands Mikasa a green bag.

“The bathroom is at the end of the corridor, bro,” Connie comments.

“We are the first here?” Eren asks.

“No, Jaeger. Ackerman is never first, sorry,” Annie announces coming out of the bathroom. Behind her trails a blushing Armin.

“Shut it, Leonheart,” Mikasa counters and walks into the bathroom herself.

"What were you guys doing in there?" Eren asks.

"Hey, man," Armin says, having the decency to look embarrassed.

"Damn, bro, if you wanna get sexy with your girl you take it to my room. That goes for you too, Eren. As long as nothing is spilled Connie, a.k.a. Mr. Long Dong is rooting for you," Connie says.

"Gross," Annie mutters.

"Who else is coming?" Eren asks.

"The whole football team, actually. I felt bad cause we left out Historia and Ymir and Annie's crew," Connie says. Annie nods firmly.

"Ymir isn't coming though. She was invited to Mr. Zacharius's bachelor party. Somehow. I didn't ask. Just told her to gather some dirty details on Mr. Bossard. Fucker will regret messing with our potatoes," Sasha says.

"Sometimes I wonder if Ymir isn't secretly a twenty-six years old college dropout passing as a high school student," Eren says.

"That's a very valid point, actually," Armin admits.

"You invited Kirschstein and Marco? That sounds like a bad idea after last night," Annie says while grabbing a large knife from the kitchen.

Eren makes sure to keep an eye on her just in case.

"What happened last night?" He asks. Connie snickers.

"While you were out sucking face with my homie Mikasa, Jean and Marco got into a discussion. Which culminated with a very good punch to the face," Sasha says.

"It was pretty decent," Annie admits nonchalantly. She starts stabbing at the spaces between her fingers at a moderate but speeding pace.

"Jean punched Marco? What a douche," Eren exclaims.

"Actually, Marco punched Jean," Armin says.

"What the hell? That's like, I don't know, the equivalent of Jesus kicking someone on the dick. I mean, Marco is a freaking saint."

"When you say shit you get hit," Annie says, still stabbing away, her pace now alarmingly quick.

"Bro, don't do that it's making me anxious," Connie says. Annie promptly stops, but then starts juggling the knife with one hand.

A knock on the door distracts her and she drops the knife to the floor.

Connie goes to open the door just as Mikasa comes out of the bathroom wearing Sasha's clothes, a pair of skinny jeans and a red graphic t-shirt with the face of Ironman. Or at least Eren suspects it's Ironman.

"I'd just like to say that I'm planning on sabotaging Connie's Marvel movies night. I say we watch horror movies instead," Eren whispers while Connie is still away.

"But Connie hates horror movies," Sasha comments.

"I know," He says. Sasha looks amused.

"Is this because of the Shrek thing?" Eren smiles and Sasha laughs.

"Alright, alright, alright," Sasha says in her best McConaughey impersonation.

"I like horror movies," Mikasa whispers seriously. Eren winks at her.

Connie comes back at that moment with Jean standing beside. The bruise that Jean is sporting is large and a molten mixture of purples and yellows. It’s below his left cheekbone and it accentuates strangely the structure of his face.

"Damn, Jean," Sasha says.

"Yeah, I deserved it, whatever," Jean says, looking slightly uncomfortable.

"I'm ordering pizza, by the way," Connie comments, attempting to subdue the situation.

Sasha pumps the air and launches herself towards Connie.

"Fuck yeah, pizza," she says and kisses Connie on the top of his head. Connie grins and blushes. Jean looks away, visibly sad.

Eren almost feels bad for the guy.

"You know, you remind me of Jean in some ways?" Mikasa whispers in his ear. Eren shivers and turns to look at her. She hooks an arm around his shoulder and presses him closer to her.

"That's the most insulting thing you've ever said to me," Eren whispers back. Looking down from this angle, he can only see her eyes, dark and hypnotic. She crinkles her nose slightly and Eren can tell that she's smiling.

"Play nice," she tells him. Eren rolls his eyes and turns to look at Jean. Jean is staring right back. Without breaking his glance, Jean calls Connie.

"You got any alcohol? If I'm going to spend couple's night all on my own, I'm going to need it."

Connie is currently attempting to dial the pizza parlor's number while giving an over-excited Sasha a piggy-back ride. Without looking at Jean, he points his index finger towards the fridge.

"Drinks come later. Beers in the fridge.” Jean just sighs.

"This is going to be a long night."

*

*

*

An hour later, almost everyone is at Connie's. Historia arrived along with Reiner and Bertolt. She brought a home-made chocolate cake, much to Sasha's delight.

She's currently playing the role of referee in an arm wrestling match between Mikasa and Annie.

"Annie, you can’t lift your elbow from the table," Historia says.

"Shut it, I'm not lifting it," Annie grunts. Mikasa is looking scarily determined while Annie looks just plain angry.

"Get it, Annie. Do it for the Motherland," Reiner cheers and laughs.

"Shit," Annie whispers, before her arm gives away and Mikasa smashes her hand against the table.

"Mikasa wins!" Historia announces and everyone cheers. Annie looks pissed for a second, but starts laughing after Armin whispers something in her ear.

"You did very well, Annie," Bertolt tells her shyly. Annie nods but Armin looks slightly distrustful. Eren never thought he'd be the jealous type.

"Look bros, it's not like I'm not having a marvelous time, cause I am, but can we please start eating?" Sasha says. Eren understand how she's feeling. The pizzas arrived 20 minutes ago but they're still waiting for Marco to arrive.

"Not yet, babe," Connie tells her.

"But babe," Sasha complains.

"Sorry, babe," Connie says while shaking his head mournfully.

Jean rolls his eyes.

"Are you sure he's coming?" He asks. He's nursing his third beer in an hour, but he doesn't seem to be too drunk at the moment. Before Connie can answer, someone rings the bell.

Connie smirks and wiggles his eyebrow at Jean before standing up to open the door.

"Alright! I'm going to go heat up the pizzas. Mikasa, come help me," Sasha says, quickly standing up. Mikasa is just settling next to Eren on Connie's huge couch and looks extremely displeased at Sasha's order.

"Why me?" She asks.

"You're strong and you can carry more pizzas," Sasha argues.

"That doesn't make much sense," Mikasa whispers, but still stands up. Eren takes the opportunity to look at her go as discretely as possible.

"Pervert," Jean mumbles and takes a gulp from his beer. Eren doubts he's even enjoying it.

"If you tap the ass, you can admire the ass," Reiner comments and punches Eren square in the shoulder while smirking at him.

Eren is sure the punch was meant to be friendly but it still feels like someone attempt to rip his arm from the socket.

The doors from the TV room open and Connie comes in with Marco tagging along.

"Sorry I'm late, I couldn't find my car keys. I bought some donuts for everyone, though," Marco excuses himself.

Eren can't help but notice how exhausted he looks.

"I could have picked you up, if you had asked me," Jean mumbles. Marco tenses and looks away.

"Yeah, I wonder why I didn't ask," Marco says, sounding sad rather than spiteful. Jean doesn't answer back and an awkward tension fills the room with silence.

"So, I'm going to bring the DVDs and we can start watching one of the movies. I thought we should start with Thor," Connie says, but his attempts to break the tension are useless.

Jean and Marco stare at each other and everyone looks vaguely uncomfortable.

"Well, this is going to be fun," Annie whispers just loud enough for everyone to hear.

Eren is just glad that he isn't in the middle of _this_ drama.

*

*

*

The tension does dissipate after Sasha brings the re-heated pizza, which just proves Eren's theory that everything is better whenever pizza is involved. He eats eight slices, but Sasha devours twelve of them and only stops to 'make room for dessert'.

Before said dessert is brought, Connie attempts to put one of his Marvel movies, but soon his plans are boycotted. Everyone starts complaining, saying they've seen those movies already or that they just aren't interested in them. It's all due to Eren really. He has managed to convince them to ruin Connie's plan as a sort of karmic revenge plan. After all, a man can only listen to 'All-star' a certain amount of times before he snaps.

"You know what would be better than Ironman? Horror movies," Eren offers cheerfully.

Connie looks utterly horrified.

"No way, I'm not watching that stuff. Sash, protect me," he says desperately. Sasha just shrugs.

"This is a democratic state, bro. What the people want is what the people get," she says, smirking.

"I never thought you would betray me like this, bro," Connie says sadly.

"You know how revenge works Connie," Sasha says calmly. Connie turns to Eren.

"I see. So this is... Because of Shrek," he whispers sadly. Eren just shrugs

"Then I don't regret it," Connie says, shaking his head, "Shrek is love. Shrek is life."

"Yeah, and I still don't get that reference," Eren says. Bertolt besides him shivers.

"And pray to God that you ne-never do," he says.

"So, Texas Chainsaw Massacre anyone?" Eren says, pulling out a DVD from the pocket of his hoodie. Everyone cheers and Connie hangs his head, defeated.

"Fine. You've won this time," he says as he opens the DVD player, "but someone should get the cake and the donuts before we start."

"Eren and I will do it," Mikasa volunteers. Eren almost complains, wanting to bask in his glory for a little while longer, but keeps his mouth shut when Mikasa gives him a look that says 'I need to tell you something'.

"Alright," he says instead and stands up to walks towards the kitchen.

Once in there, Mikasa silently cuts the cake into medium-sized pieces while Eren watches her.

"What's up?" He asks. Mikasa keeps cutting the cake.

"Did you know that everyone thinks we had sex last night?" She says quietly, her eyes trained somewhere else. Eren feels his face heat up and something inside him stir.

"Mikasa, I swear I didn't say anything," Eren starts but Mikasa cuts him off with a dismissive hand gesture.

"I know, Eren. I'm not blaming you. It's just, I don't know. Funny. Sasha asked me about it," Mikasa says, and although she's blushing, she has a quiet smile on her face.

"What did you tell her?"

"I told her I prefer to keep those things to myself," Mikasa tells him, "should have I denied it?" Eren shrugs and smirks.

"Let them think whatever they want to think. I don't really care," he says and he moves to stand behind Mikasa. He puts his arms around her waist and his head on her shoulder.

"Thanks for the help," she comments sarcastically.

"Your cutting skills are far superior. You can make it look pretty and tidy. Really I'd just mess everything up," he whispers against her neck. She laughs.

"It's cutting cake, not rocket science, Eren," she whispers back.

They stay for a while like that, Eren hugging her from behind and nuzzling her neck.

"That tickles. You should shave," she whispers.

"I told you I could grow a beard and you never believed me," Eren argues.

Mikasa frees herself from his grasp and grabs Eren face. She caresses his cheek with the back of her hand.

"Hardly a stubble. Still itchy," she tells him fondly.

"Oh, sorry," Marco says, "I... They wanted to know what was taking so long."

Both Eren and Mikasa turn to look at Marco who has just entered the kitchen looking rather embarrassed.

"It's okay," Mikasa says. She turns to grab the cake and with a shake of her head she signals for Eren to grab the donuts.

"Need help?" Marco asks. Eren shrugs.

"We're fine," Eren says but Marco still looks uncomfortable, fidgeting next to the kitchen counter.

"I'll go ahead," Mikasa says, observing the situation. She walks away, leaving Eren and Marco alone.

"Is everything okay?" Eren asks.

Marco shrugs, looking away.

"Did Jean say anything about me last night?" He asks.

Eren freezes. He has never been good with gossip and drama and other people's feeling in general. He wishes Mikasa hadn't leaved him alone.

"I mean, yeah, he said you're... Gay. Which is totally okay with me. And I'm sure it's okay with all the guys and girls as well, just so you know," Eren says rapidly. Marco smiles.

"Yeah. Thank you. I really appreciate that. I was just... He was really drunk last night, wasn't he?"

"You know Jean. He's bad with the liquor." Marco nods but looks unconvinced.

"He showed up drunk to school on Wednesday. You weren't there, I think. Mr. Smith noticed. He told him to go home. And then today he's drinking again. I'm just worried, you know?"

"You punched him in the face," Eren says not very eloquently. Marco stiffens.

"I did. I'm sorry about that. He was really angry at me so I snapped. I don't... I never do that, really," Marco says carefully.

"I think he's angry at himself," Eren says, and it isn't until he says it aloud that he realizes he's mostly talking about himself.

Feeling uncomfortable with the idea of falling for his best friend. Of wanting someone who you've grown up with. Feeling guilty about it, like the friendship will be ruined because of you.

Eren felt that way. And it was really hard.

It must be even harder when that friend is also a dude.

"Shit," Eren whispers. Because really, since when has he been so good at reading people? He can't help but feel proud of himself for figuring this one out.

"Listen," he says, "I can't tell you what's going on with Jean. That's his business with you. But you guys really need to sit down and talk." Marco stares at him and nods.

"Yeah, you're probably right. Why are you smiling, though?"

"Sorry, I just feel really smart right now," Eren says and laughs.

Marco probably thinks he's a weirdo, but he smiles back at him.

"Hey, I don't think you're dumb. Plus, you're extremely determined. You're one of those guys who could eat the world raw if he really wanted to," Marco says.

Eren's self-esteem is really, really high right now.

"Thanks bro," Eren says. Truth is, he does feel like he could eat the world raw.

Or like he could say something outrageously honest. Like 'I'm in love with you."

"WHAT THE FUCK, WHY AREN'T YOU FUCKHEADS BRINGING THE DONUTS?!" Sasha's shouts can be heard from the TV room.

"Okay, we should probably hurry up," Marco says, "but thanks for the advice."

Eren can feel his blood pumping and he grins.

"No, bro. Thank _you_."

*

*

*

Connie, Bertolt and Marco seem to be the only ones who can't properly enjoy horror movies.

Historia has become immunize to them thanks to Ymir.

Armin and Jean are neutral to them.

Sasha, Eren and Annie seem to be the ones who are enjoying themselves the most. Although Annie seems to be mostly entertained by watching everyone scream.

Both Renner and Mikasa spend the whole movie looking rather bored, Reiner mostly commenting in whispers how shitty and anatomically incorrect the effects are while Mikasa nods.

They end up watching three horror movies ranging from 'terrifyingly gory' to 'I think I can see the strings keeping the puppet/monster up'.

At one point during the second movie Marco gets so scared that he grabs Jean's arm and buries his face in his neck. For a second, Jean looks okay with it, even pressing his head against Marco's. He seems to realize what he's doing after a few seconds and quickly withdraws his arm.

Marco looks away ashamed.

Eren, who is currently enjoying watching someone get decapitated while cuddling with Mikasa, decides that it is time for him intercede.

Which could possibly be and awful idea. Considering how Eren doesn’t really tend to think things through and usually does what his intuition says. Which usually leads to at least someone getting a fractured bone. But Eren is pretty confident that this time things will work out if his speaks with Jean honestly. Possibly.

“Hey, Jean want to take a smoke break,” Eren whispers.

“You don’t smoke, Jaeger,” Jean whispers back. Eren just stares at Jean intently until he sighs and stands up. As they leave, Eren turns to find Mikasa looking at him questioningly. He smiles at her and shrugs. She shrugs back.

Eren follows Jean to the house’s porch. Jean is stumbling a little bit, probably having already achieved an astounding level of drunkenness. He lights up a cigarette and offers the box to Eren who just shakes his head.

“Then what the hell do you want?” Jean grumbles. Eren takes a second to consider a proper word choice for the situation. As usual, he goes for bluntness.

“You’re in love with Marco Bodt,” he informs Jean. Then waits for reaction.

Jean takes his time to react. At first he just stares back blankly. Then he looks confused. Then he looks angry.

“What the fuck,” he says and turns to go back into the house.

“Wait, wait. I was just trying to help you, like you helped me. You know, talking. About feelings. And stuff. Bro to bro,” Eren says. Jean turns to look at him, sneering.

“Don’t bro me, Eren Jaeger. I am not discussing this shit with you,” Jean responds.

“But I get you. I know what it’s like to fall in love with your best friend. I mean, Mikasa and I…”

“It’s not the same!” Jean says angrily. He looks away, seemingly embarrassed at his own outburst.

“I know it’s not the same,” Eren says. He tries to imitate that calm, soothing tone Mikasa uses whenever he is angry. It’s a bad copy at best, but Jean does calm down at least.

“What do you want me to do? I’m not sure about this, you know, gay thing, even though I know that I like him. And I don’t want to lose him as a friend either,” Jean mumbles.

Eren nods. He actually didn’t expect Jean to open up. He’s admittedly out of depth with this sort of stuff. He wishes ardently he had asked for Mikasa’s help.

But then again, this is something he should learn to do alone.

“Listen, what you’re doing right now? Shutting Marco and being hind of an asshole? Not helping. You need to talk this stuff out with him. Maybe break some stuff. That seems to help too. The last thing you want to do is lose one of the most important people in your life. And that’s exactly what you’re doing right now,” Eren says. He actually feels very mature, dishing out life lessons. His mom would probably be proud.

“I know. Shit. I’ll talk to him tonight,” Jean says, sounding tired. Eren smiles.

“Yeah, don’t do that, actually.” Jean looks at him confused.

“Why not?”

“Thing is, Marco is in love with you too. So if you guy’s talk, then you might get together. And you know, I’m already planning on getting together with Mikasa tonight. So if you didn’t steal my moment, that’d be great.”

“What the fuck, you guys got together last night!”

“No. Connie and Sasha got together last night. Mikasa and I haven’t even kissed. So stop trying to steal my thunder. You can have Sunday for you and Marco.” Jean looks pissed.

“I’m not programming my love life to fit into your schedule Jaeger, what the hell.”

“I will literally break your arm off and beat you to death with it,” Eren explains calmly.

“Okay, bro, chill. But for fuck’s sakes, kiss her tonight or else I will not be held responsible for my actions,” Jean says. He then puts out his cigarette and walks towards the house. Before going inside, Jean turns to look at him.

“You’re actually pretty cool, you know Eren?”

“Last night you wanted us to be besties,” Eren reminds him. Jean rolls his eyes.

“Forget what I just said,” he says and walks back into the house.

Eren takes a moment to breathe in some fresh air and pump back some confidence into himself.

Taking one last breathe, he walks into the house.

*

*

*

The ambience has really changed from when Eren left. The group is no longer watching movies, the lights are now slightly dimmed and bottles of alcohol are sitting on the table.

Connie and Sasha are deliberately making out on a corner of the couch.

“I leave for a moment and this places turns into a sinner’s den, for Christ’s sake,” Eren says. Connie disentangles himself from Sasha, face flushed.

“Everyone’s here! Let’s play some games,” he says gleefully. Eren laughs and sits down next to Mikasa.

“You drinking?” he whispers into her ear. She shrugs.

“I don’t usually drink, considering you always get in trouble when _you_ drink. Someone’s got to stay sober for your sake,” she answers back.

“I’m not drinking,” Eren tells her. Mikasa looks slightly taken aback, but then her face softens.

“Then I guess I’ll drink,” she says. Eren moves to make a drink for her while Historia holds a vote on which drunken game they’ll play first.

“How about truth or dare?” Jean says. He’s sitting next to Marco and doesn’t seem to be interested in drinking, which Eren takes as good signs.

“Yeah, truth or dare!” Sasha says. Eren can’t tell whether she’s overtly-excited or drunk. It really could be either.

“All right then,” Historia says, “truth or dare it is!” Everyone cheers, except Connie who quickly raises his hand up.

“Eren, truth or dare?”

Eren is surprised by Connie choice to start with him, but then realizes that he’s probably plotting some sort of revenge against him for ruining his Marvel movie night.

Eren is not one to back down from a challenge, though.

“Pick truth,” Mikasa warns him, before he can say anything, “he’s planning on making you eat dog food if you pick dare.” Connie looks appalled.

“How did you know?”

“You shouted your ‘secret’ plans as soon as Eren left,” Reiner says.

“Oh, yeah.”

Eren is still tempted to choose dare by the mere fact that he has never picked truth, because he’s not a coward. But then again, if he does kiss Mikasa tonight, eating dog food seems like a really bad idea.

“I choose truth,” Eren says. Mikasa gives him a satisfied look and Eren wonders whether that is also a sign of him being just a bit more mature.

“Dammit,” Connie says, “fine. Have you and Mikasa had sex yet?” Mikasa gives Connie an Ackerman Glare, which makes Connie look more frightened than he was while watching the horror movies.

“No,” Eren answers simply. He then turns to Sasha.

“Truth or dare, Brauss?”

“Dare. Who do you take me for? Only cowards choose ‘truth’” she says.

“Was that supposed to be insulting?” Eren asks. Sasha just smiles.

“I dare you to put one of the big donuts in your mouth, whole,” Eren proclaims. Sasha scoffs.

“Amateur,” she says, then proceeds to put a whole chocolate mega-donut inside her mouth. Eren is both distraught and impressed. Connie looks aroused which causes even more distraught in Eren.

Mikasa next to him laughs lightly, which indicates she has reached a certain level of drunkenness. Eren hugs her against his body.

“Historia, truth or dare?” Sasha asks once she’s done swallowing her donut.

“Dare?”

“Prank-call Mr. Smith,” Sasha says. Historia gasps and daintily covers her face beneath her hands.

“I don’t have his number,” Historia says.

“Ask Ymir,” Reiner states, like it was the most obvious thing in the world. Historia writes something on her phone and less than twenty seconds later she receives a text that makes her blush.

“Got it,” she mumbles, “also, got a picture of Mr. Bossard and a stripper.”

“Ymir must be having a fascinating night,” Armin states flatly.

“Send me a copy, bro,” Sasha tells her, “but first, prank-call the Smith.”

Historia gulps and hits button on her phone. She shushes everyone and puts the phone on speaker. After ringing four times, someone picks up.

“Hello?” Mr. Smith says on the other end of the line. Muffled rap music can be heard in the background.

“What do I do?” Historia mouths desperately at Sasha.

“Tell him his there’s been a delay with his weed shipment,” Sasha whispers back. Historia anxiously bites her bottom lip but nods.

“Hello Mr. Smith,” she says, sounding actually like a professional, “We are sorry to inform you that your weed shipment will arrive a bit later. We thoroughly apologize.”

There’s a pause.

“Oh, alrigh,” Mr. Smith says calmly, “when will it be arriving then?”

“Holy shit,” Reiner whispers, “he can’t be serious.”

“Blaze it, Mr. Smith,” Connie says solemnly.

“It will arrive next week, we presume,” Historia says, looking anxious but staying in character.

“Can you remind me again, was it Purple Kush or Blue Dream that I ordered?” Mr. Smith asks.

“Purple Kush?”

“Really? I thought it was Blue Dream, give me a second,” Mr. Smith says. In the foreground, he seems to be holding a conversation with someone.

“My partner here wants to have a word with you,” Mr. Smith states.

“Sure,” Historia says.

The line goes silent again. Everyone stays quiet.

“You fucking fucks are calling your principal and thinking he won’t notice?” Levi’s voice says, terrifyingly clear.

“SHIT!” Sasha says looking alarmed.

“You little bastards should be glad that I’m at this stupid fucking bachelor party or else I’d be paying all of you a visit. But I guess I’ll just see you on Monday, hope your fuckheads sleep well tonight because I’m going to have you all running laps for the entirety of the class. Little shits,” Levi says.

“And remember, you don’t need drugs to have fun. Get high on life,” Mr. Smith comments before hanging up.

“Thanks, Historia,” Annie grumbles.

“Wasn’t it Sasha’s fault, though?” Armin says.

“Yeah, I feel better blaming her. Thanks, Sasha,” Reiner says. Historia laughs delighted.

“Oh my God, that was really funny, even if Coach Levi will probably murder us on Monday. Let’s keep it going, Bertolt, truth or dare?” Bertolt looks shocked that he is chosen.

“Truth,” he mumbles quickly.

“Who of the girls here present would you most rather have sex with?” Historia says smiling. Eren can sort of see why she gets on well with Ymir.

Bertolt looks like he’d rather die than answer that. He’s blushing deeply and looking very uncomfortable. His gaze turns to Annie for several seconds, but Armin gives him a glare almost as powerful as an Ackerman Glare and he quickly looks the other way.

“I-I’d choose you,” Bertolt tells Historia.

“Are you saying that because every other choice would mean someone else would probably beat you up?” Historia asks not unkindly.

“Yeah. But, but you’re really pretty too,” Bertolt says blushing. Historia smiles.

“Thank you,” she coos at Bertolt. 

“Reiner, t-truth or dare?” he asks, blushing deeply.

“Dare,” Reiner states. Bertolt turns to the others for ideas.

“Make him drink something gross,” Connie says cheerfully. Reiner smiles.

“Oh, bring it,” he says. Sasha cackles and runs towards the kitchen. Strange sounds are heard in the distance. At one point, Eren is pretty sure a chainsaw is involved.

A minute later, Sasha comes back with a frothing green-brown liquid inside a glass and hands it to Reiner.

“This better not contain peanuts. I’m allergic to them.”

“It’s cute how you think I put something as normal as peanuts in that shit,” Sasha says, batting her eyelashes at Reiner.

He looks a little bit less confident, but takes a huge gulp regardless. At first he seems to swallow it easily, but the taste soon makes itself present and he starts fighting the urge to vomit. He swallows something chunky and his eyes start watering. Reiner reaches for a bottle of rum and takes a shot to placate the awful taste in his mouth.

“That’s disgusting. Oh God, it had bits of… something. It was chewy,” he says, looking extremely sick. Historia looks even more grossed out.

“Please don’t describe it,” she squeaks.

“Fuck, gross. Marco, truth or dare?” Reiner says.

“Truth,” Marco says, clearly traumatized by the previous dares.

“Dull,” Annie whispers. Eren wonders if the reason why no one has picked Annie yet is because they are scared of what dares she can come up with.

But Reiner seems happy about Marco’s choice and he smirks like he is about to say something dangerous.

“Marco, who’s the last person you made out with?” he asks. Marco opens his eyes wide and tenses. He desperately looks around, visibly uncomfortable.

“Can’t we change the question?”

“No, those are the rules. Come on, Bodt. I heard you got frisky last Sunday. Afraid of dropping names?” Reiner says, sounding smug.

“Please,” Marco pleads. Reiner rolls his eyes.

“Fine. Then I dare you to…”

“It was me,” Jean intercedes.

For a second, everyone grows quiet. Jean sighs.

“Marco and I made out on Sunday. And you saw it, I know. So now you’re being an asshole about it, congratulations,” Jean states.

“Oh my God, that literally explains everything,” Historia says.

“Shit, it does,” Sasha says, “So you guys are…”

“Jaeger, truth or dare?” Jean interrupts.

“Hey, it’s Marco’s turn,” Connie says.

“No, it’s Eren’s. Right now, it’s Eren’s,” Jean says and he looks pointedly at Eren. Eren takes a moment to realize what he’s talking about.

“Oh. Right. Thank you,” he says. Jean shrugs and turns to Marco.

“We’ll talk about this later,” he tells him. Marco nods, looking a bit more at ease.

“Well, Eren,” Marco says, “truth or dare?” Eren turns to Mikasa who just shrugs. She can’t baby him in every situation. Eren knows that.

“Dare,” he states.

“Dare you to kiss Mikasa,” Jean says quickly. Marco looks surprised by that but agrees to Jean’s proposal.

“Oh come one. That one is easy, it’s not like they haven’t kissed before,” Sasha says, rolling her eyes, “right?” Mikasa looks at Eren, blushing lightly. Eren is sure he is blushing even harder.

“Holy shit,” Connie whispers.

“It’s like I always said,” Annie says, looking smug, “Ackerman is slow. As. Fuck.”

Mikasa glares at Annie and turns to Eren.

“Do it, then,” she says sounding confident. Eren just looks back.

“Come on Jae-ger,” Armin says and starts clapping. The rest of the guys join him in his chant. Eren seriously starts to reconsider his friendship with him.

“I… I can’t,” Eren says. Everyone shuts up. Mikasa looks at Eren, slightly hurt. He once again realizes that he isn’t very good at stating how he feels.

“No, I didn’t mean that! I mean… come here,” he says and he grabs Mikasa’s hands. He helps her to stand up and runs towards the corridor with her.

“Connie, where’s your room?” Eren says.

“Second door to the left!” Sasha shouts.

“I said just a kiss, Jaeger. Kiss!” Jean says. Eren ignores him and drags Mikasa towards Connie’s room. He opens the door and is appalled to see a Shrek poster hanged on one of Connie’s walls. He quickly walks towards it and brings it down, hiding it behind a desk.

When he turns around, he finds Mikasa sitting on Connie’s bed. Slowly, he breathes in and out, and walks towards her. He grabs her shoulders and softly pushes her against the mattress until she’s lying down on her back.

“Eren,” she whispers. That’s all it takes for him to risk it. He lunges forwards, pressing his lips against hers. It’s a chaste kiss at first, just the contact of their lips and the press of his body against hers.

Eren decides he could take it a bit farther and he bites Mikasa’s lip softly. Mikasa sighs and when her lips part, he pushes his tongue in her mouth.

Everything he does, he does it tenderly. Eren has kissed plenty of other girls before, but he’s always been careless, messy, verging on gross. He wouldn’t mind being messy with Mikasa, but right now he wants things to take their time, to enjoy every bit of her, because it has taken them so long to get here.

Mikasa responds immediately, kissing back and moving her tongue against his. She moves her head to change the angle and kiss him more comfortably. Her knee pushes upwards and presses against Eren’s crotch. Eren grunts and cuts the kiss, moving a few inches away from her face.

“I have to tell you something,” Eren says. He looks at Mikasa, her lips darkened to the color of unripe cherries and her face flushed. He presses the palm of his hand tenderly on her cheek.

“You don’t have to say anything,” she tells him quietly.

“I want to say it. Mikasa, I love you. I really do,” he says and he presses his lips against hers again.

They kiss a bit harder. There are some clashes of teeth and Eren’s hand snakes up to touch Mikasa’s taut stomach, grab her hips. He leaves a trail of whispered kisses on her neck and her shoulder. She shudders and pulls his t-shirt up to touch the muscles of his back, trace the shape of his spine.

“I love you too, Eren Jaeger,” she whispers in his ear and then she presses a kiss on his temple. Eren smiles against the crook of her neck, and then starts to kiss her again.

At some point Eren finds himself shirtless, Mikasa straddling him while she touches his abdomen and the ridges of his abs.

“You’ve been exercising,” she whispers.

“One day my abs will be as great as yours,” Eren tells her. Mikasa laughs delighted and presses a kiss against the commissure of his lips.

“I’m starting to consider taking my shirt off. We should probably go back,” Mikasa tells him.

“What? No! It’s the worst moment to go back,” he says, touching the small of her back with his hands.

“Another day,” Mikasa promises, “and  not here. With Shrek watching over us.”

Eren looks at the ceiling to find another poster of Shrek staring benevolently at them from above.

“What the fuck, Connie,” Eren whispers. Mikasa takes the opportunity to grab Eren’s t-shirt and put it on him.

“One last kiss?” Eren asks. Mikasa smiles shyly.

“Okay,” she whispers and kisses him softly. Eren kisses back, holding her tightly in his arms. It’s Mikasa who cuts the kiss short, pulling away gently.

“Alright, let’s go,” Eren says. But before Mikasa can move, he brings their faces close again.

"Oh, and by the way” Eren says, touching the tip of his nose lightly against Mikasa’s “Hi.” He says it like he was just meeting her. As in 'hi, I didn't see you there, but I'm glad I have now'.

"Hey," she breathes out and then she smiles.

*

*

*

By 6 AM almost everyone is asleep except for Jean, Marco, Annie, Eren and Mikasa. They watch the sun rise from Connie’s porch while telling each other silly stories and making fun of them.

Jean smokes while listening to Eren tell a story about the party in which Jean dared him to throw himself into Historia’s pool from the balcony.

He gestures a lot and his voice is a tad too loud, but Jean can’t find it in himself to shut him up. He looks happy, pressed against Mikasa while holding hands with her. Jean isn’t jealous, he isn’t really. But he is sad, for some reason.

He watches dawn break, the sun painting everything in shades of pinks and reds. It’s almost violent, how bright everything looks. Jean wonders if, perhaps in another life, he could have had it easier. If in another life he was less confused and smarter. Braver.

He looks at Marco. He wonders if Marco was happier in that life too.

“Damn, Kirschstein, don’t look so melancholic,” Eren says. Jean shrugs.

“Do you believe in reincarnation?” Jean asks. Eren looks at him strangely, for a moment. Then he laughs.

“Don’t know if I do. But if it’s true, then I must have done something really good in my past life if I got to live this one,” he states, looking fondly at Mikasa.

Jean nods and turns to find Marco looking at him, smiling. Jean smiles.

That, at least, he can agree with it.

*

*

*

_You’re dying. There’s no other way around it. You’ve lost too much blood and even a monster like you has a limit._

_She’s dying too, and that is what hurts you the most. Not the blood that you’ve lost or the blood on your hands, but her death._

_Losing her. Her, not living, not taking chances, not experiencing things. Never seeing the ocean. Never kissing someone and meaning it. Never being loved properly._

_She deserves a second chance. You all deserve one._

_This can’t be the end. It just can’t._

_“Eren,” she whispers. Mikasa is dying. Her voice is cracked, broken. Not even a whisper of what it used to be._

_“I’m sorry,” you tell her._

_“You said that… before,” she says._

_The birds squawk along with her. Before, before, before._

_“I wanted you to live. You deserved it,” you tell her frankly. Your vision is already blurring. You wonder if dying is just like going to sleep. It certainly feels more painful than that._

_“I did live... for as long as I was alive, I lived,” she gasps. You wonder who will die first. You hope that it’s you._

_You deserve to die alone._

_The night has already come. You can’t even smell the blood anymore, so accustomed you’ve become to it. Everything is dark, but at least you can see the stars._

_You refuse to take your own life. You will take every last second of it with bloody, desperate hands._

_It’s not fair. But then again, this isn’t a fair world._

_“Wherever we go. When we go,” you say, “I hope that I’m there with you.”_

_“I’d follow you anywhere,” she wheezes out, “you know that.”_

_Her breathes were labored before, but now they are almost non-existent. You can’t see her, but you don’t know if that is a bad thing._

_“Maybe I should be the one… who follows you this time,” you tell her. She doesn’t respond, but you can still feel the rise and fall of her chest. It’s so weak. So terribly weak._

_“I really hope I get to see you again,” you tell her. Can she even hear you?_

_The birds above you echo your words. Again, again, again._

_“I want to see you again,” you tell her. The tears are flowing freely from your face now. You wait in silence, and you realize that she has stopped breathing. You let out a sob. You touch her face, reach for it in the dark. You press trembling fingers against her pulse._

_Nothing. Nothing, nothing, nothing._

_You are alone._

_And you’re dying._

_“I want to see you again,” you whisper. No one can hear you anymore._

_Night stretches on and on. The starts shine and fade. You look at one, the brightest you can find and stare at it._

_All you can do is watch._

_You look at that same star until your consciousness slips away and then you see no more._

 


	7. Lazy movements and a lazy morning (Sunday)

 

“We tread it carefully, we feel around in kid-gloves

What death will leave behind, death will leave behind love

We will flower again, I have surely seen it

We will flower again!”

-What Death Leaves Behind by Los Campesinos!

 

“I say we order delivery,” Eren suggests. Mikasa shakes her head.

“You’re way too lazy,” she comments.

“You want to get out of bed? Cause I don’t” he states.

They are both back from Connie’s sleepover, although neither of them slept much. It’s 4 PM and Eren feels tired and incredibly lazy. On the other hand they haven’t had lunch yet, and he’s starving. It’s all Mikasa’s fault really. She was the one who pushed him down on the bed and started kissing him, saying how ‘not having Shrek staring at them was a turn-on’. They haven’t gone much further than making out and maybe some frottage at best, but at some point Eren ended up in boxers and Mikasa is looking far too enticing in nothing but boy-shorts and a bra. Leaving the bed to go to McDonalds seems like an impossibility at the moment.

“I have a hangover. And I blame you.

“Why? You’re the one who attempt to outdrink a Russian.”

“How could I’ve know? She’s so tiny,” Mikasa complains. Eren laughs and massages her back in soothing circles.

“So, delivery?” Mikasa sighs.

“Fine. But it better be from the Chinese place.”

“Who do you take me for?” Eren says, and then he kisses the nape of her neck. Mikasa tenses, so he continues to kiss her, trailing down her spine to the base of it.

“Weren’t you going to order food?” she says, sounding slightly out of breath. Eren smiles against her skin.

“Fine,” he mumbles. He quickly dials the number and makes an order, wanting to get back to what really matters again.

After he hangs up, Mikasa sits up and stretches her arms above her head. Eren just enjoys the view.

“You’re looking at me,” she states.

“You are beautiful,” he tells her. Mikasa turns to look at him, surprise.

“That’s so cheesy,” she says, but she’s still blushing. Eren laughs and pushes her back against the mattress with his body.

“We’re dating now. Things are going to be _very_ cheesy, I’m sorry,” he informs her. She rolls her eyes.

“Ugh, Eren I can’t believe you of people would say that,” she says smiling.

“Hey. I’m maturing. I give life advices. I talk about feelings and stuff. This is Eren upgraded,” he tells her. Mikasa tickles his stomach and he wriggles away.

“That means you’re no longer accepting Jean’s dares?” she asks.

“Well, let’s be reasonable. If that bastard says I can’t do a cartwheel, how do you expect me to react?”

“You can’t do a cartwheel, Eren.”

“Is that a dare?” Eren says, standing up. Mikasa sighs.

“Sit down,” she says. Eren laughs and lies on top of Mikasa.

“What are we going to do while we wait for the food?” she says.

“What do you want to do?” Eren asks.

This seems to be the right way to respond, because Mikasa turns them over and starts kissing him. Eren kisses her back while Mikasa straddles him. He grabs her below her waist, palming her ass and getting an Ackerman Glare for the effort. When he starts to move his hands away, Mikasa grabs his wrists and makes him leave them where they are. Eren considers this a significant victory.

“If I get hard, promise me you won’t make me masturbate in the bathroom like last time?” Mikasa laughs.

“I’m not promising anything,” she says and promptly starts to kiss Eren hard while swaying her hips. She’s not really grinding on him but the fact that all that separates them is two very thin layers of clothing is enough to make Eren heat up considerably.

He likes the fact that they have fallen into this so naturally. Perhaps it’s because they’ve known each other for so long. There is almost no awkwardness in this. Lying almost naked with her, cuddling, kissing her. It feels like they’ve been doing it for a while. Eren feels like they belong like this.

His thoughts take a tumble when Mikasa’s movement become less showy and more up for business. She is grinding down on him now while balancing herself on his lap and dominating the kiss.

She pushes Eren back against the bed and that for some reason that’s very much of a turn-on.

Eren is starting to think that strong, athletic girlfriends are simply the best.

He turns them around, though, so that he can have a better access to Mikasa’s pale neck, which he starts kisses hard enough to bruise. Mikasa sighs and Eren is hard now. He can’t help it. He starts kissing his way down, kissing the shape of her clavicles and then lower down, her belly. Mikasa starts writhing a little bit, but he holds her down with one arm. When he looks up at her, her eyes are even darker than usual. She sits up a bit and puts her hands behind her back.

Eren needs a moment to realize she’s about to take her bra off.

The doorbell rings. Mikasa tenses and then starts laughing.

“You should go get the food,” she tells Eren.

Eren is seriously starting to wonder if he’s done something so despicable to have such awful karma.

“Fine. Fuck, fine,” he says trying to compose himself. He grabs his t-shirt and a pair of jeans.

“This is the worst thing ever,” he laments. Mikasa rolls her eyes.

“Don’t be such a crybaby. We’ve got plenty of time,” she says.

Eren is solely powered to get out of bed because of those words.

*

*

*

“I should get going,” Mikasa tells him a couple of hours later. She’s showered and dressed, her short, black hair still wet and clinging to her neck. She’s wearing the clothes she wore on Friday night and she’s looking at her phone intently.

“Your dad?”

“Yeah. I can’t keep acting like I’m staying at Sasha’s,” she tells Eren.

“Come one, stay an hour more. Tops,” he tells her. Mikasa smiles down at him and sighs.

“I’m tired Eren. I think we had enough fun for the day. Plus, tomorrow Coach Levi is going to pummel us.” Eren groans as the memory of Levi’s threat appears in his head.

“Fine,” he says, “then let’s take a nap. Together. And then you leave. How about that?”

Mikasa mulls this over for a moment before simply shrugging.

“Fine. But I have to be at home before dinner,” she says. She takes of her leggings and lies down in bed with Eren, who is still wearing nothing but underwear. He curls around her, spooning her from behind.

“You look pretty with your hair wet,” Eren tells her.

“Hush,” she whispers and turns of Eren’s bed lamp.

“Fine. Sleep. I get it,” he says before kissing her neck.

“Eren…”

“Sleeping. Yeah. I love you,” he whispers.

“I know,” she tells him.

“That’s mean,” he says.

“It was a reference, I knew you wouldn’t get it,” she tells him laughing softly.

“That’s even meaner.”

“Shut up,” she says tenderly. Eren just kisses her again and closes his eyes.

For some reason, Mikasa’s heartbeat seems to comfort him. Something about it is familiar, like a song he has heard before.

_Before, before, before._

He falls asleep some minutes later, lulled by the sound of Mikasa’s breathing.

He has no dreams.

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is the end, yeah. but I'm working on a Jean POV of the same week, focused on his relationship with Marco and stuff. I'll try to post the first chap in two weeks if anyone is interested  
> thank for the kudos and the comments!!

**Author's Note:**

> This fic will have 7 chapters and since I have most of it written I'll be updating on Wednesdays and Sundays.  
> If you're in the mood for some background music I made a playlist for it which you can listen here:  
> http://8tracks.com/sofpica/you-remind-me-of-this-song-i-heard-before
> 
> All comments and criticisms are appreciated


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